I feel very selfish but I want to grieve the person that’s gone

[drivinmecrazy]

Our very dear friends had been together for fifty odd years, we have known them for more than twenty years

sadly and suddenly one of the partners died leaving the other completely adrift and bereft.
understandably all our efforts and energy have been put into making sure the remaining spouse is ok and coping (as much as he can do).
However I feel in somewhat of a void.

I really want to spend a moment for myself to grieve.

I know that my grief is nothing like he’s feeling.

but I feel that so much time is spent supporting his loss that I’m not abl to deal with my own feelings.

I don’t know what to do with my grief at the moment.
should I just put it on
’pause’ while helping our friend through his grief?

I feel that’s the ‘right’ thing to do but so hard 😢

I don’t think grief is healthy to ‘pause’ - it’s there for a reason, to help us come to terms with the loss of someone dear and also keeps us in touch with our own mortality, so feel it and miss your friend!

I wonder if the bereaved spouse would actually appreciate knowing/talking about the depth of others grief and how it is affecting you rather than ‘stiff upper lip’ stuff. Grief is a lonely thing especially when you are receiving support and feel like you should be jolly and moving on for their sakes instead of making room to live with the loss. I appreciate you acknowledging your grief is on different scales and I’m sure so will he, but it is still grief none the less.

I think you might be right in what you say.
It might be healthier to acknowledge that he has ‘gone’ and that we are all grieving.

But that feels like a big leap at the moment, and feels kind of intrusive.

his partner is trying to get to grips with the practicalities so it feels a little selfish to burden him with my grief.

im just trying to find a place to put my emotions where they won’t become a burden to his loss, while at the same time supporting him.

it’s so difficult 😞

As someone who has lost two very close friends recently I know exactly where you mean.

One of my other friends told me about the Circle of Grief which I found really helpful.

psychcentral.com/health/circle-of-grief-ring-theory

Basically it works by “comforting in, dumping out.” This means that support always goes to people in the inner circles, while expressions of worry, anger, or fear go to folks in the outer circles.

Do you have a friend you can "dump" your sadness onto, who can listen and empathise with you.

It helped me to have a shoulder to cry in who didn't actually know the friends who had died. Rather than holding it in and being strong.