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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Dad dying just before 40th?

19 replies

BeArtfulWriter · 03/08/2025 22:15

In need of some guidance here. Hubbie's 40th is in 3 weeks and his father is on life support due to switch it off this week at some point.

It's been a whirlwind few weeks.

I still want to make it a special day for him and will shower him with gifts, but having previously had a party planned, I think it might be wiser to just do something low-key. Perhaps go off somewhere together instead. The whole family will be grieving. His best mates are all pretty much his cousins so everyone will be on the same boat.
I'm gutted for him, but I still want to make it an occasion.

Would anyone have any ideas? Or maybe share how they felt after losing a parent. He and his dad were close. Mine are still both here so would really appreciate some insights xx

OP posts:

LemondrizzleShark · 03/08/2025 22:16

Honestly I would just shelve it for now - he isn’t going to want to celebrate. Maybe do something next year, or just before Christmas.

Eyesopenwideawake · 03/08/2025 22:19

Why would you want to make it an occasion, so soon after the death of his father? Ask him what he wants and do it.

Tillybobbins · 03/08/2025 22:19

This in response to @LemondrizzleShark

JollyHostess101 · 03/08/2025 22:21

Honestly I’d ask him what he wants! I’ve lost both mine- my mum in a similar situation to your husbands! My 40th was last year almost a year after loosing my dad and I still didn’t really want to do much at all just wanted to be with my own little family!!

Original poster

BeArtfulWriter · 03/08/2025 22:21

I'm asking because I don't think he realises how hard it will hit him. A couple of weeks ago he was mentioning his party but I don't think he's in the right frame of mind. Just wanted an opinion...

OP posts:

FitAt50 · 03/08/2025 22:23

How old is his father and how long has been ill for.

HotAndSweatyButNotBetty · 03/08/2025 22:24

I'd have hated a party and the effort to pretend.

I'd probably have valued a weekend somewhere beautiful and quiet (secluded cottage with hot tub)

TimetoGetUpNow · 03/08/2025 22:27

My birthday was a week after my dad died. I just didn’t celebrate my birthday. I’m sure I received presents from DH and friends, but I don’t remember. I actually went to work on my birthday, as it was another few days until the funeral. I think I was still in shock, though it was 6 months after his terminal diagnosis.

Sorry for your DH and his and your family.

shumbuffle · 03/08/2025 22:28

I was in a similar situation in April and all my 40th cards and gifts that I opened unenthusiastically at the time are squirrelled away in a cupboard that I’ll reopen eventually - maybe next year. I just wanted the day to pass by without event.

Aout25 · 03/08/2025 22:29

After my Dad died I didn't want to do anything. Mine was about 4 weeks later & the thing I remember the most is the heartbreak of getting a card that was just from my mum.

several years ago now, but 😭😭

just leave it, you can book something last minute IF he wants to.

when is your 40th? You can do a joint celebration then or he can have a 42nd birthday party instead!

Liketheclappers · 03/08/2025 22:30

I lost my mum 21st December 2019 and honestly that following year was a blur. Christmas day was spent at my brothers where we tried to keep face for the sake of the children but it involved a lot of alcohol and my poor dad was just so lost. It was horrible. We lost dad last October and that wasn't any better, another year of firsts without him. We still all now spend Christmas day together which is nice as we never did before. It's like the glue has gone and it's up to us to keep the gaps closed. Losing a parent has to be just the worst thing ever. I think if I was your husband a night away just the two of you would be lovely. That way it he doesn't feel up to doing anything you can just spend it together. Hope that helps a little and sorry to hear you're going through this x

Kinneddar · 03/08/2025 22:33

Id postpone the party. Realistically as his Dad is still alive the funeral might not even have taken place by his birthday.

Its hard enough getting through the days after losing a parent theres no way hell want to host a party.

Mark his birthday in a nice low key way and do something bigger in a few months if that's what he wants

BlondieMuver · 03/08/2025 22:35

My MIL died a week before my 40th. I adored her and although it's early 12 years ago, our family has never really gotten over it.

We didn't do anyfor my 40th, just had gifts on the day.

BlueyNeedsToFuckOff · 03/08/2025 22:37

I think take his lead on this. It depends so much on the individual and it’s one of those things that you can’t know how it will affect you until it actually happens.

He might find it helpful to have a party. He might prefer something quieter and low-key.

I know when my father died (and we were also close), I wanted to keep to all the social plans I’d made previously, just to have some sense of normality. I won’t say that they were easy, but it was easier being out and doing something than sitting around thinking.

stardrops1 · 05/08/2025 12:24

My father died soon before I turned 40 and I was in no frame of mind to celebrate it. I would’ve hated an “occasion”. My husband made me a lovely cake and food that I like and we had a quiet day at home, with many tears shed as well.

NotOvertheWorstofit · 05/08/2025 20:47

I lost my Dad around my 40th birthday last year. 3 weeks before my sons first Xmas and 4 weeks before my sons first birthday.

In my experience I honestly did not want anyone around me at all. I just needed space to process the death and to try and come to terms with him not being here.

My partner took our son to his Mum & Dads on Xmas day and also on the day of his first birthday, in the afternoon, as I just couldn’t face seeing anyone and having to pretend to be ‘normal’.

Maybe just keep it very low key - a nice breakfast and thoughtful gift and then allow him to take the lead on the day. You can always book something last minute if he feels like going out. My sympathies to you and your husband. It’s such a tough time for everyone.

NotOvertheWorstofit · 05/08/2025 20:53

Kinneddar · 03/08/2025 22:33

Id postpone the party. Realistically as his Dad is still alive the funeral might not even have taken place by his birthday.

Its hard enough getting through the days after losing a parent theres no way hell want to host a party.

Mark his birthday in a nice low key way and do something bigger in a few months if that's what he wants

Yes - definitely no party. Put it on ice.

mamagogo1 · 05/08/2025 20:59

I mean this with kindness but everyone deals with these things differently, it may hit him far harder than he realises but equally it may not, when deaths are predicted your grief starts before, at diagnosis so for some the end is a release from the worry and uncertainty. Please take his lead and if he wants la party so be it. It wouldn’t be my choice either but I’ve seen so many situations (occupational hazard) and nothing surprises me, plenty of people jet off on holiday and my own parents were away when grandad died, it was 7 years from diagnosis to death and years since he recognised us, life carried on for them, their grief had happened

Original poster

BeArtfulWriter · 13/08/2025 14:31

Thanks so much everyone for your kind responses 🙏🏼

OP posts:

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