Processing DH’s traumatic death.

[Spointer]

I was originally going to ask how long it took other to process their partners deaths - but I know that’s such an individual thing that the range of answers will be huge.
Id be interested in people sharing their experiences though.

DH died 5 months ago. He was 48 and I am 44. We have an 11 year old child.

His death was not only sudden and unexpected, but utterly traumatic. The How, where and when were all totally totally shit. Like a plot in a book. It was gossip worthy and I’ve twice had strangers come up to me and ask for details.

My DC is my absolute priority. I’m probably getting so much wrong but I’m doing my best to create a happy, secure, responsive environment for them. They do seem ok given what’s happened. Their personality has changed a bit. They’re slightly less chatty and outgoing. It’s hard to tell what is grief and trauma and what is adolescence. I’m monitoring it as much as I can. I’m gently promoting the notion of therapy. We are very close and we talk when it’s led by them. I’ve been honest and factual with them about the details of the death.

Personally I don’t really know how I feel. I’m run down physically and mentally. My executive functioning skills are low. I’m ok when I’m focusing on DC and when I’m not I’m better if I have a project of some kind. Often I’m just sat blankly not thinking about anything.

But with regards to DH I just can’t work out how I’m doing. Half the time it’s like I’ve written him out of my memory and he never existed. I’m getting on with my new life and then wham! It hits me. I have a total WTF moment. It’s like for the first time I've registered what’s happened and how I got here. It’s not even that I’m sad about losing him in these moments. It’s still pure shock really.

And of course I do miss him. The little things make me sad. Music makes me cry. But I have to admit I’m struggling to even conjure him up in my mind. We were together for almost 25 years. I loved him. He was a good man. But his death is currently overshadowing that. There’s a lot to be sad about but also a lot to be cross about. So the actual grief I’m feeling for him hasn’t really registered that much. When I do feel grief it’s mainly triggered by DCs loss. By how their world has been blown apart. By my sadness for them.

I don’t really know why I’m posting. 5 months feels like both nothing and like a lifetime. Sometimes I feel like I’m doing remarkably well (and I’ve been told this a lot). Other times I feel I’m behind and I’ve not even acknowledged what’s happened. I guess this might be normal.

I'm sorry, that sounds unimaginably hard. Try not to think too much about why you are feeling a certain way, everyone will process differently.

I'm not a fan of suggesting counselling/therapy the moment something traumatic happens, as not everyone needs it but there's so many levels of grief and complex feelings here I suspect it's worth making time for therapy if you can. Even just online if that's most accessible to you. Maybe speak to charities like Cruse about if they have anyone or any approach they would recommend for a particularly traumatic bereavement.

It's natural to focus all your attention on your DC but you matter too - just as much. Losing your DH has blown your life apart so you need the same level of attention and care as your child. As pp suggested some sessions with an experienced therapist or counsellor could be really helpful.

Firstly can I say how very sorry I am for your loss. Losing a partner is devastating in any event, but in tragic circumstances must be a horrendous thing to go through. I’ve suffered bereavement, not of a partner so I cannot speak from experience on that; but I have lost my Mum and both sisters due to cancer so can empathise with you to some extent. What I can say is that 5 months is a very short time for processing this and it will likely take many years before you find complete peace and acceptance. Take each day as it comes and don’t be hard on yourself, it sounds to me like you’re doing really well and an absolute trooper prioritising your child’s journey through this. Remember, you’re in the club that no one wants to join but it does mean that you’re never alone xx

I think what you are experiencing is a very normal reaction. A little bit of compartmentalising so life can function, a little bit of sadness, and regular shock.

It would be helpful for you to get into some kind of therapeutic group, even if only to show your child that it is normal and available. Local churches and funeral directors usually run something or can signpost something run by the local authority. My mum found it helpful initially.

The whole journey of grief process isn’t tidy or consistent. It’s more like a spider web or spiral of revisiting shock, loss, anger, acceptance in and out quite messily.

People can get stuck. That’s worth keeping an eye on. But 5 months is just a moment. It will be a while. 💐

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this.

My DH died unexpectedly and traumatically 3 years ago, I was 43 at the time with two DS. They’re now 18 and 12 and everything I do is for them. I’m constantly exhausted, stressed and overwhelmed and I can’t see a light at the end of the tunnel.

5 months is very, very early. You’re probably still in shock but you don’t realise it.

3 years on and I feel the same way as you’re describing about my DH’s death. I don’t know how I’m doing. I can barely bring myself to think about him and I can’t work out if it’s because I’m avoiding the pain or if I’m angry. Probably both. I feel like I have so much on my plate that I don’t have the headspace to examine my feelings.

As for your DC, again, I was the same, unsure whether it was trauma, grief or adolescence. Again, it was probably
all of them.

I’m still in survival mode and I’m utterly broken. There’s no one to talk to because everyone is sick of hearing it and all they can offer is empty platitudes which feel patronising and make me angry. People will be quick to tell you how strong you are and how well you’re doing because that’s what it suits them to see. And that’s what’s easier to present to the world.

I can’t even think about rebuilding my life with everything I have going on. But sometimes when you’re in the thick of it, you don’t notice the progress that you have actually made.

I’m sorry that I don’t have any answers for you. All I can say is don’t try and force grieving your late DH, if that makes sense. It will come, but maybe it will always be interspersed with anger.

Grief does affect people in many different ways but a period of anger is normal even when the death was expected and straightforward. I've sorry for your loss and the extra trauma of the way he died. In one family I know the mother fell to pieces and it took a year of therapy for her to resume any kind of life. It was devastating for the children who felt they had lost both parents.

You are doing well to hold yourself together for your child. Look after your health, work on your interests, let time rebuild balance so you can look bad at both good and bad.

There is a charity called Widowed and Young (WAY) who support anyone widowed before the age of 51. I lost my husband under different circumstances to you but I found joining them incredibly helpful. Their members are particularly active on Facebook and have lots of sub groups e.g. widowed with children as well as local WAY groups. I’m sure one group is for those Widowed and Young from sudden traumatic death. The people on there get exactly how you feel because they are going through or have gone through similar.

I’m so very sorry for your loss. It is still incredibly early days for you. My child was 6 when my husband died and I think I was on auto pilot just getting through the days making sure he was ok. I didn’t begin processing his death and the impact grief was having on me until a long time afterwards. If you do look towards counseling I agree with the previous poster who said look for one experienced in bereavement. I had some counseling through work and found it made me feel worse as she was quite flippant about what I was telling her.

Sending love and best wishes to you and your child.

Oh wow. Thank you everyone. I wasn’t expecting so many responses.

I did start looking into therapy for myself but to be honest I’m so overwhelmed by admin that it was just one thing too many to organise. it’s probably worth trying to sort out again though. And I like the point about normalising it for dd.

Thank you to those of you who have shared your experiences. I guess it’s good to know that this is normal and that normal doesn’t exist. I’m sorry that so many of you know what it’s like.

@chimesandrhymes wow your experiences and feelings sound so similar to mine. It’s been really useful to read. Thank you for sharing. Life just feels so relentless at the moment. I don’t have the headspace for anything. Im I’m sorry that it’s still so tough 3 years in. Although I suppose 3 years isn’t really that long in the scheme of things either is it. And like you say, you’ve probably made progress that isnt always obvious. Not forcing the grief makes perfect sense too. Thank you.

@LeeHarper5 thanks for sharing your experiences too. And for the recommendation of WAY. I think they were mentioned to me in the very early days when it was all a blur. I will join now.

Hi,
I too, lost my dh in sudden and traumatic circumstances whilst I had 4 school age children to care for. I'm 7 years on now.

I would second the advice to join WAY. They are an excellent support and if you are unable to afford it they offer a kind of bursary scheme for new members. Please contact them.

Secondly, five months in is no time at all. I remember a real turning point around 6 months after the death when I felt less of the fog and found little glimpses of enjoyment again. I do remember a few people not recommending counselling until after 6 months has passed. I think the initial whirlwind of shock and loss needs to settle a little before you start any kind of therapy.

Don't be too hard on yourself. The rug has been pulled from under you and it takes huge amounts of time and effort to re establish yourself and your life. I constantly felt like I was firefighting as I parented my dcs. It was and still is incredibly hard. Even now I often feel totally wiped out emotionally, and my headspace changes from day to day but I never feel 100% like I can manage.

Also, it's okay to be angry. What is difficult is focusing that anger. I found there isn't anyone or anything in particular to be angry with.

I really feel for you, it's such a difficult thing to face. I don't want to leave you on a negative note. Things will get better, you will adjust and your children will somehow. It does get easier I promise.

So sorry for your loss. Very early days and you may be experiencing PTSD type symptoms.
You may find this book helpful. The author lost her partner in traumatic circumstances.
Title It’s OK that you’re not OK.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Its-That-Youre-Not-Understand/dp/1622039076/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?adgrpid=161974722478&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.erX5x7BFdXaWXKjhMMjtXkncJyrk0SisTi0srmeUtTOkr4zBgIli8f7d0LXEvFTw8xGxGLKT4kVXizbjwbyaQIcgNa1xI7ZdBhpQs-dgfhc-pqJeLHeBSCtf-1Ei4-rhjxY3PVvJErDs5p-jTnuVjd8H1AYpF58DswWVNFFvf5H0Obg-J4y07WgmeG86uZq6tm_I9rP49Okv_-kKCefO_w.YAIoE_ZMGte2Aj4s9CCLXAFvUjZymHi55rSuIMgC6eQ&dib_tag=se&gad_source=1&hvadid=696733819882&hvdev=m&hvexpln=70&hvlocphy=9195089&hvnetw=g&hvocijid=10283185505946363357--&hvqmt=e&hvrand=10283185505946363357&hvtargid=kwd-830118500380&hydadcr=26162_2651754&keywords=it%27s+ok+that+you+re+not+ok&mcid=1b690400593c3fadb16ad5aacbad0c99&qid=1754224611&sr=8-1

I am so sorry. I lost my adult ds 10 months ago in awful circumstances...we havent even had the inquest yet. I'm very strong and " brave" but some days it just hits me like a freight train. This morning is a shit one.
Much love x

I lost my dh in traumatic gossip worthy circumstances a year ago. Honestly, therapy has saved my life and actually helped process stuff as it happened. I’m still going to therapy and probably will do so for sometime. It’s a safe space to talk things through and pull myself together for the next minute, hour, day etc, without fear of it becoming the stuff of yet more gossip.
You do somehow find a way of making it through the days. I’m so sorry you are going through this, hope you find some good (non gossipy) friends, because they will help immensely.

My dh died 18 months ago, we have three children.
A lot of your post resonates with how I felt. For at least a year all I felt was numb. Life with 3 dc is always busy and it just continued, relentlessly. I still had to wash clothes, make lunchboxes, go to parents evenings and sports days, take them to and from clubs and parties. I had to get a new job to make sure we have enough money.
People, well meaning, lovely people, say things like ‘Make sure you take time for yourself’ and ‘You need to process it too’, and I want to shout at them! When do you think I have the time to do that?! Or even the brain space? And they say stupid things like ‘You’re doing so well’, ‘You’re amazing’, and quite honestly I want to tell them to fuck off, because this isn’t a place I chose to be.
So I think that angry probably sums up the second year so far!
One of my dc recently started attending sessions run by Simon Says. She wasn’t very keen, but I felt that she needed more support than I could offer. I have looked into counselling for myself but, again, not sure when I’ll have the time.
One thing I did do wrong was in trying to be so strong for the kids and to make sure that their lives weren’t affected too much I gave them the impression that I didn’t care, and that it hadn’t affected me. I also didn’t talk about their dad enough so I consciously make an effort to talk about him in every day conversation, things like ‘Daddy really liked that film’, ‘Daddy had a t shirt just like that’, ‘Daddy hated that food’, and telling them little stories and anecdotes about him. I’ve asked friends to do the same, because one thing that happens is people don’t talk about the person who has died because they think them might upset you.
It sucks. You’re doing great 😁

@Elisheva oh I hate the “you’re doing so well” blah blah. I think you have zero idea what I’m like at home alone. Maybe we shouldn’t tough it out in public - but the alternative isn’t exactly great either. I got called someone’s hero - I said they needed to go to specsavers pronto. Didn’t go down well.
I also get the heartbreak over no one wanting to talk about dh. That truly sucks.

@Alphabet1spaghetti2 See also ‘You’re so brave’.
It’s been interesting because I’ve felt quite judged by some people for not being emotional enough. Firstly I’m not usually a publicly emotional person, and secondly I don’t think people would react well to me swearing and chucking things around. But sometimes the ‘You’re coping so well’ seems to have a bit of an edge to it.

I am sorry for everyone’s losses.

Whilst my situation is different in that I am not yet widowed (DH terminally ill, deteriorating very slowly for 4 years, some very grim and scary experiences over that time, been in a nursing home for two years with brain damage, mostly unresponsive) I often feel I can’t remember much about our time together, which was over 30 years.

I can manage the “your dad liked that, did that ” comments to young adult DCs, but I can’t really remember what it was actually like to be with him. And I am strangely content which must seem strange to others.

Don’t if that will change when he dies.

I’m so sorry

DH died very suddenly 7 years ago. Time just doesn’t operate the same way in grief. This year his dad died, and I had 3 dreams about Dh in quick succession, having never dreamed about him while his dad still lived. A month can be forever, a year can go in a flash.

For me, WAY wasn’t right - but I did try it, and I know many who found it helpful. I had 4.5 years of therapy and was lucky to be able to afford it. I didn’t give ds a choice about meeting with a counsellor once, and thank goodness she was so good that he saw her intermittently for about a year. Again we were lucky that his school had a great counsellor.

I don’t know when things really became more normal. I know that they were NOT anywhere near normal for two years, and then Covid hit, so everything was weird. In 2022 in the post-pandemic time, I was four years in and things did feel a lot more stable - but by then I’d met dp and knew we were set for the long haul.

The support ds and I had from everyone around us was truly amazing. And I was pretty blunt about asking for help when I needed it, though I was perhaps lucky that what I wanted was to see people and go out or gather at home - people are usually good at helping if it involves coming to a party or going to dinner.

I also had a lot of massages and yoga classes, and I hate yoga as a rule. But I cried in yoga many times. Very cathartic.

Nothing much else to add to what others have said but I also lost my husband in shocking and traumatic circumstances a year ago and have two primary school aged children.

I also still feel in total shock about what has happened and regularly get the stomach-churning WTF has happened moments and feel very angry. Sending solidarity to you x

Thinking about you and your child OP.
I lost my partner in very traumatic circumstances nealy 4 years ago. We had bern sering each other 2 years. We did not live together?- no children. I would say for me it took about 3 years before I was able to.be mostly comfortable in my own company/ enjoy things more than not enjoying things. I ciukd see his face very easily jn my mind at first- it's more difficult now. I found work relatively easy to negotiate; it was the rest that was an issue.
If we had berm together the amount of time yiu had bern with yiur husband, I think it would have seemed even worse. Go easy on yourself. Just be. Essentials yes, extras csn wait.

I read the once that grief is like a wave; sometimes it is lapping at our toes whilst other times it crashes into us when we least expect it.

Re counselling i tried it. I found it was a safe space to say what I liked for an hour. I don't think.it helped that much in this case , however I do think it is something to consider for you and your child perhaps separately ? I say this because my dad died when I was 17. I was the oldest of 5. It was a scary time. I don't think i ever allowed myself to.grieve , was worried about life, security, siblings and mum. Yiu of course will support your child but there may be things they will not say to u.
I read that we learn to live alongside grief as opposed to.gettung over it.
I wish you some form of peace OP.