Is this shock?

[Willow1245]

Had a sudden bereavement of my brother who was in his thirties, so unexpected. We don’t know why he died, the post mortem didn’t give us any answers.

it’s been 3 weeks and I feel like I have been in a bit of a daze. At times I feel completely fine like nothing has happened. Other times I am totally overwhelmed with grief - physically shaking, feel like I cannot breathe. Then at other times I feel like I would rather celebrate the life he had and focus on the nice memories we had together.

I don’t really know what to expect or if I’m just going to be in this strange, almost dream like state for the foreseeable. It’s like I’m here but I’m not. I cannot get my head around the fact I will never see my brother again.

I don’t know if it’s shock, but it sounds very normal and familiar to me. You’re in a new unexpected reality and it will provoke all those kinds of reactions as you move forward.

I think that getting through the funeral, and then later getting through the inquest (I’m assuming there will be one given the circumstances) are points that can help with understanding what’s happened and processing it. But it will take time. Do you have someone to talk to who is able to listen to you sympathetically and with empathy?

It’s a protective measure. The raw feelings underneath- the shaking, can’t breathe, crying, is too much and too unbearable and all encompassing and if you felt that all day every day you feel like you can’t survive. So your brain, which even when it’s harming you is trying to protect you, will shut that off at times so that you can cope. So that you can get through the day.

Little by little you’ll be able to start processing it a little more, and the numbness will decrease and the unbearable grief and pain while stretch out and not be there quite so much.

And it won’t be linear, it will come and go, and you’ll think you’re making progress and then you’ll feel exactly like you did at the start. And do try to find a professional who can help you process things as they come up and navigate it. The last thing you want is for the numbness to grow and creep in to other parts of your life, and months or years down the line it all comes out in a harmful way. If you squash things down too much it’ll come out sideways.

I’m so sorry you’ve lost your brother. And in such an unexpected and unanswered way. It is so very fresh, please be kind to yourself with whatever you’re feeling and thinking as you navigate this journey no one wants to be on.