I dont know how to help my 5 year old son with his grief

[Sunshinemummy2023]

My first son passed away at 1 day old 7 years ago due to poor maternity care when I was giving birth his inquest found failures in care but was very delayed taking place. My second son saw pictures around the house of my first son a d asked if it was him on the pictures, I explained to him at that point that it was his brother who passed away in very simple terms as much as I could. He was 4. Since then he says he 'misses his brother' he tells people he 'misses leo' which is my first sons name and talks about how he misses playing with him although they never actually met. We rarely talk about Leo in front of our son unless he brings him up and then we do acknowledge how he is feeling. Iam just becoming more concerned as these conversations are becoming more frequent and its difficult to listen to him without feeling upset and guilty that I didn't have another child to give him a sibling. Along with prior miscarriages I had complications with both pregnancies which made it very hard and scary so couldn't do that again. Our son is very loved and wanted baby, I wish I could explain this to him and him not feel sad that he doest have a sibling. I feel I made a mistake telling him about his brother, I just didn't want to lie to him when he asked who it was on the photo. Any advice or suggestions around this would be appreciated thank you

It's a big concept for a small boy
Don't regret having the photo out, it's done now.

Just keep the explanation very simple, distract him to focus on other things.

Do not feel guilty about lack of sibling. Guilt us a wasted emotion. Just cuddle your little boy and fave fun with him.

I'm very sorry about Leo xx

Firstly, im sorry for your loss OP. You should not feel any guilt for not providing him with a siblings. Is it possible that he has friends who have siblings or he has watched something where siblings are playing together etc and this has fuelled his conversation? As for helping him with his grief, I would research someone reputable and get an expert on board. On another note, have you and your partner spoken to anyone about your feelings?

There is a charity Winston's Wish which might have helpful advice.

I'm sorry you had to go through that OP. Please don't feel guilty. Your son won't remember not knowing about Leo at some point, and I think that's much healtheir long term than any big reveals when it comes to family circumstances.
I don't think at the moment you need to do anything differently. Saying he misses playing with Leo is his way of processing that it is sad that they didn't get to do that. Kids are much better at using their words, play and imaginations than we are to help them make sense of stuff. He will be ok. 💐

I am sorry about your first born son. My first born, my son, also died at 1 day old. I had photos round the house also.

When my daughter was born a year later, when she was old enough she started asking questions about the baby in the photo and I told her that she had an older brother who was born before her but he was poorly when he was born so he didn't live. Tried to be honest and keep it as simple as I could.

She did exactly as your son did for a while at that age. Told people all about her brother, made up scenarios with him and mentioned him quite a lot. She would say about how much she loved him and things like that. We tried not to draw too much attention to her stories about him, as it was just her way of trying to get her little head around it, and we allowed her to talk about him if she wanted to. For us, instead of hiding his photos and not talking about him, we did the opposite and if we she wanted to talk about her 'big brother' we would talk about him with her. She would come to the grave and lay flowers and teddy bears with us and she began to recognise that her big brother was a big part of our family, even though he wasn't here.

As she got older, and her understanding of things improved, she stopped talking about him as much and the fascination with her older brother went away naturally on its own. It didn't take long, it is not something that went on for a long time, but we think it was about the same time that most of her little friends, their parents were having their second children, or already had other babies and she was the only one that didn't have a sibling at the time. In some ways it was like she was trying to say 'I have a brother too'.

Unless he becomes completely obsessed I wouldn't worry too much and definitely don't stop talking about him. Many children of this age have 'imaginary friends' and such like so its fairly normal for this kind of thing to happen. The majority of the time they will grow out of it.

He’s at the age where he has no understanding of the concepts around death and loss. My grandchildren spend an inordinate amount of time asking about my dead parents even though they never met them!
I’d just keep it light and breezy as your Ds won’t be feeling the same way about it as you might. When he says he ‘misses’ his brother, just follow up with ‘that’s nice, should we play a game now or have some tea?’.

I am in a similar situation, my dc have an older sibling who died before they were born. We too have pictures around the house. At this age they are quite matter of fact but sometimes dd (also 5) will say how she wishes she had a sister.

I would chat to one of the bereavement charities and see if they can advise. I hope you are doing ok too, it’s so tough hearing these things and I find it compounds my grief.

You didn’t make a mistake telling him about Leo!

He is processing the information in an age appropriate way.
My younger children were this age when their grandmother passed away, and it was definitely processed through their play and the conversations they had with adults. It will fade out over the next few months: a mixture of processing but also getting older and his intellectual capacity increasing.

Is it grief? Or is it playing? Children deal with situations in their life through acting them out in play? Are you sure he is not just processing this information in an age appropriate way through acting (playing) at being a child who misses his brother?

And are your feelings more about your own grief and your own sense of your son having missed out on having a sibling?

I am so sorry about your baby son. Have you had support for your grief?

Thanks all for your replies and advice on this.

Just to answer some of your points, the explanation I gave him was very simple but he is questioning asking for more detail which is difficult to provide at this point other then saying he was poorly. The inquest found 'failures in care' covering my sons birth and delivery in hospital and I don't want to get into all of that with him at this stage.

Yes he goes to school with twin boys in his class and his cousins are twin brothers. So very much in his face sadly.

I have spoken about my feelings with a counsellor but my partner hasn't in all honesty he struggles with this.

Thanks @Spunspun I have contacted winston wish!

Thanks @ErlingHaalandsManBun for sharing your experience he is very much how you have described your daughter so it's reassuring to hear you have been through this too. I'm sorry you have to understand any of this though xx

Yes I do the distraction thing too when I need to and other times we spend longer discussing what he wants to discuss even if its just talking through missing playing with him and what they would have played.

@Dueindecemberr I'm sorry to hear you've been here too, much love xx yes it can be tough at times hearing it, as he can say things at unexpected moments and it is quite triggering. We had to wait nearly 7 years for our sons inquest to happen and its now finally taken place so it has been tough holding all this in.

@jamaicanmoon its probably mixed bag when it comes to my emotions both me feeling upset about our son and concern for my son. I think our emotions have been delayed due to my sons inquest being delayed.

Thanks everyone for all the supportive words and advice it really has helped to give some perspective thank you