My mother had died - I am full of regret

[siucra]

I loved my mother but she was difficult. She found relationships impossible and I found her impossible. She was very critical and hard work but I also loved her and liked her. Perhaps she was a narcissist, I’m not sure because she was unknowable in lots of ways. I moved to another country 25 years ago and our relationship became increasingly difficult. When I would ring her, she would sigh and say ‘oh hello, Siucra’. My sister and I were made executors and beneficiaries of my uncle’s will and she took her other sibling’s side. In the end we were estranged and life was so much easier. But she died, falling off a table, changing a lightbulb and she was eventually found by neighbours. I’m now in my home town, and going to her house in the morning. I’m full of regrets, hating how proud and stubborn I was. How do I forgive myself? Why couldn’t I have just sucked it up?

I think it's possible to regret the way in which she died, which was sudden and unexpected, rather than any actions that you could have taken?

In other words, if you found out she had cancer, there would have been time to come to a reconciliation, taking the time for emotional closure.

As you say, you loved her and am sure she knew that.

Try not to be so hard on yourself.

Thank you. That’s very kind of you. I suppose most deaths leave people feeling they could have done more. I suppose I just want to learn from this, never be so proud or stubborn again. I have a daughter and I would die if we were ever estranged.

this all sounds very complex. Please be kind to yourself- it is early days. Consider counselling when you feel ready to help you untangle your feelings.
And please treat yourself kindly. 🌺

A friend of mine once said to me; "Life is hard enough, don't make it harder on yourself" and she was right.

You made decisions that were right for you at the time and you didn't act out of malice.

You deserve to be able to grieve without guilt. Guilt serves no purpose, only serves to torment.

I am truly sorry for your loss.

I’m sorry for your loss. Regrets are a very common feeling during bereavement. You were not wrong in the decisions you had to make. Your mum also made her decisions and actions too. Someone else mentioned that if it wasn’t a sudden death then you would have had time to reconcile but that isn’t necessarily true. The Hollywood death scene is just that - fiction - because people don’t necessarily change when they’re dying. If they were difficult and narcissistic in life then they can still be difficult and narcissistic in death. Consider counselling in a few weeks time if it’s still a problem. Bereavement brings up difficult feelings, especially if the relationship was difficult.

Remember too OP that there was a power imbalance in the relationship (parent/child). Don't be hard on yourself if you were raised by a difficult parent.

I send my heartfelt condolences

Thank you everyone for being so kind. I’m in her house now and pottering about. And it’s really nice to be here in some way. I wish she’d let me love her more but she was closed and private. And critical. But I loved her and I will miss her and she didn’t know that. So yes, lots of regrets and I will try and learn from this about my life from now. I really appreciate everyone being so nice. I was expecting at least one ‘ultimate should have made more of an effort’ comment.

We can only make decisions in the moment, at the time you were estranged I’m sure that was the best decision for you at that time. We can’t decide anything in retrospect, as much as we sometimes wish we could. Be kind to yourself.

I’m very sorry for your loss. Complex bereavement is just that - it’s hard and it takes time. I had years of therapy after dh’s death and that was the right choice, but I’m still processing it now.

Your mum didn’t exactly make it.easy to love her, I hope you gain some perspective over time.

People are fallible. Your mother was and perhaps you are. You can forgive your mother and yourself for being fallible, as we all are to some extent. Some relationships are hard. Perhaps your mother had a difficult childhood, perhaps she was just cognitively unable to have or show empathy or be a good caregiver. The fact that you tried your best and that you are now there taking care of things is what matters, this is your act of love for your mother.

Allow yourself to feel sad and perhaps also a bit guilty but try to let it go at some point. It's not your fault that she was difficult, it was your burden. Have empathy for yourself and try and forgive your mother for her very human fallibility. Hope this rambling makes sense.

And I'm very sorry for your loss.

Adding that of course you have absolutely no need to feel guilty but if you are feeling guilty, allow yourself to feel it a bit rather than resisting it.

Try to find compassion for yourself. We all have a profound need to be mothered (and fathered), basically unconditionally loved, and if our mothers didn't quite manage to have our back that's really hard. You may be grieving for your mother and also for the mothering that perhaps you missed out on.

I lost a parent recently, these are some thoughts that have been going through my mind. It's not easy.

People are programmed to love their parent anyway no matter how rubbish they actually were. Sucking up her verbal insults too would have left you with a whole host of emotional problems so you were right to back away. She did not change and she never apologised for her actions nor took any responsibility for same.

You need to grieve for the relationship you should have had with your late mother rather than the one you actually got. It is not your fault your mother was like this and you did not make her that way either.

Sorry for your loss OP, while the grief is raw there will be some doubt and confusion. However, the reality is more complex and nuanced,it is hard to have a relationship with a parent where your needs aren’t met.

You can only make what you think is the right decision at the time and that’s what you did. Try not to be so hard on yourself.

Your elderly mother was responsible for her choices, she was responsible for the risky situation she put herself in (unnecessarily). Forgive her, forgive yourself, it is what it is. Try and remember the good times.

Your post has similarities with my relationship with my mother, only we lived near to each other and in the end she moved in with us and I gave up work to look after her.

In theory I should have no guilt, but im riddled with it. I think what im trying to say is that no matter what you did or didn't do, you'd still feel guilty.

Grieving for someone who you didn't have the easiest relationship with is a complex thing. You're grieving the mother you had, but also the mother that you always hoped she would be. That closeness you hoped for will now never be and that's really hard to process.

People love differently i think and she no doubt loved you as much as she could love anyone. That's what I tell myself about my own mother and I do believe it to be true.

Be kind to yourself OP, you're in this strangers thoughts.

Narcissists aren't capable of love IME - you're either useful in their life or you're not. She could have had a lovely relationship with you if she had had anything to give - but it sounds like she didn't. You clearly wanted her to be a kind, loving parent and she couldn't manage it - so you did what you had to to survive.

If she was a narcissist then it will likely have been down to trauma as a child - forgive her for what she couldn't be and accept that you did what you had to do. If you have a child yourself you may find it even more difficult to understand her behaviour tbh,