Why do I feel this way about grief?

[TwinklyLightsForXmas]

My mum died last year very suddenly. We were close when I was younger but following a very bitter divorce from my dad in my late teens, I drifted away. I couldn’t deal with the feeling that I had to pick sides (which my siblings did) and didn’t want to be a pawn in the game. So for the last 20 years, I found the relationship difficult. She lied to me many times, showed preferential treatment to my siblings, and so to protect my own mental health, I just had to back away.

I feel like I’ve barely grieved the loss since she died and someone I felt able to confide in suggested that this might be because I’d already grieved the loss of the relationship all those years ago. Does anyone have any experience of this? What terrifies me is that the grief is just building up and will hit me like a tsunami when I least expect it to. And I can’t find much advice online about grieving someone before they pass.

It breaks my heart that this is how I feel. We were so close when I was a child and I’m sad that the relationship broke down in the way that it did. And I feel guilty for not being in deep grief now. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you xx

Hi op I have something similar coming up and I have been thinking about this subject quite a bit. Maybe you could write your mum a letter and burn it. Just saying all the things you've said here that you appreciated lots of things about your relationship and you will miss her you are sorry you were not closer.

In my case my mother who is now very weak and trail and I have not been close throughout my adult life because she hasn't wanted that. I think she doesn't really get me or see me for me if that makes sense she wanted me to be someone else I let go of a lot of the hope and pain a long time ago so I think I will probably feel frozen when she passes. I'm sure there is part of us that grieves for the person and another part that grieves for how we wish it could have been or wasn't xxx
Maybe therapy would help you unlock and articulate your feelings x

Thanks for replying OP and I’m sorry that you find yourself in a similar situation. It really sucks. I have toyed with the idea of counselling but it feels very hard to say this out loud at the momentnt and I don't want to feel judged in any way (I know counsellors don't judge but it feels difficult to share my inner most thoughts to someone face to face).

I hope you manage to find some peace when your mum finally passes. Sending a hug 🤗 if you need it at any point xx

I had a similar response when my mum died. (Although circumstances were different in that we were very close.) Like you, I worried that I’d be overwhelmed at some future point with grief. But that never did happen.

She had been very ill for a long time, with cancer, and although we knew her cancer was terminal, her death was very sudden, from an infection.

After the initial shock, and tears, I found that I simply didn’t seem to be grieving the way that I thought I should. I always thought I’d be devastated. In the end, I went to the GP, and through them saw a bereavement counsellor, which was very useful. I’d recommend it to you as well.

Essentially, I came to the realisation that I had been grieving for her ever since her first diagnosis. And also that I needed permission to feel the way I did, which the bereavement counsellor helped me to accept.

I’m very sorry for your loss

I'm sorry for your loss ❤️
My brother in law's dad died a few years ago. They drifted apart as he had been in prison and didn't ever want much of a relationship with his son. When his dad died, he said exactly what your friends said in that he had already mourned his relationship with his dad but the grief he had was that door was forever closed now and he wouldn't be able to ever see him or get to repair it if he wanted.
It's a complex type of grief. Be kind to yourself.

My dad had a very long illness before he died - over a decade in fact, of pure misery if l am honest - l had grieved for him long before he actually died so op l understand how you feel that you have already grieved. It's OK to feel like that.

I haven't experienced this myself but know someone who has. The death happened a long while ago and she was never hit by grief since. Obviously it's just one person so doesn't really prove much but it does show it happens to some people at least.

I had therapy for some very similar feelings - I came to the realisation that having an ambiguous relationship while both mum and dad were alive meant that it wasn’t surprising that my feelings were ambiguous after they died. A few years on now and I do miss them still but it’s not been overwhelming at any point.

Sorry for your loss OP and PPs.
I had/have similar worries. My lovely dad died at the start of this year after suffering from dementia for a long time. I am still quite sad and I miss him, but I think I'd lost and grieved for him long before he actually died. I still wonder if I'll have that wave of grief people talk about, though.

Edit to add : we didn't have a bad relationship, just similar in the way I felt after his death.