Exhaustion following bereavement

[slet]

I lost my dad around 6 weeks ago.

In went back to work about a week and a half after the funeral. I had been signed off for weeks before that on compassionate leave, whilst my dad was very unwell and then in a hospice. He had only been ill for a few short months.

I had a slight phased return but I am
now back full time in quite a demanding role. And I feel completely exhausted. I feel like all of my limbs are made of lead. On an evening I have no energy at all and can’t keep my eyes open on the sofa. I have counselling once a week and after those sessions I am completely wrung out and drained and can barely speak. I feel like I wake up feeling tired even if I have slept well.

is this normal? People have told me grief is exhausting but I didn’t expect this level of bone aching tiredness all of the time?

So sorry to hear of all you've endured. It sounds like the months before your DDad's sad death really took more from you than you realised. And, obviously, dealing with the last days are crazy. And then, there's the (s)admin. - all the paperwork to resolve your DDad's estate, settle his affairs and (sorry) plan his funeral.

I have found it's more like a car crash: for as long as necessary, you're dealing with everything: issues crop up and you solve them. So much later, maybe months later, your system has to regroup from all those intense experiences.
Sounds like you have arrived at the 'how did I do that?!!' stage. If you can, call in 'sick' because you 'are not feeling well enough' to be in work. Many places don't have official MH leave but that line covers everything from insane periods to despondent exhaustion.
I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I think when my DDad finally goes, I will struggle.

So very sorry for your loss, OP.
The feelings of exhaustion that you describe or something that I can relate to.
I think that we become literally burnt out and need to nourish our body mental health into recovery. I literally could not get off the sofa for many days after the passing of my DH.
for me I returned to feeling less exhausted when I focused on three good meals a day, but I also invested in some electrolyte tablets which I take religiously every day. Also ibeing completely fed up with the way I was feeling I did invest in some iron tablets as I had had a lack of iron in the past.

I find it doesn’t take much need to feel exhausted again if I miss a meal so I try to plan first thing in the morning ahead what I’m going to have at lunch lunch for my evening meal. I try and make them simple meals. Tonight for example, I put an individual meat pie in the air fryer and shredded some cabbage and cut up a lot of carrots and put all of that into a saucepan to cook, I added a bit of gravy (I don’t eat potatoes) so that was my easy meal for tonight.

I’ve taken to cutting up a large salad every every every other day and I either have it with some air fried chicken in a wrap or just pile it up with a chunky coleslaw I like to make, I always make more of the chunky coleslaw and have it the following day with a jacket potato for lunch

I think it’s two things.

1. coming down from the stress of the long illness and death of your df - so your body needs to rest and regroup, and

2. the inevitable tiredness we all feel after a time off work, going back full time.

You are still dealing with the after effects of one, with the ramping up of the other. Maybe have a word with your manager to explain how you feel. Could you ask to go part time for a few more weeks?

Its really important to sleep very well.

From experience, I think we all just expect that our (strong) bodies will just carry on functioning and carrying us in our grief - and it’s a shock for us when they actually don’t.

Don’t underestimate the exhaustion, it’s to be expected.
Let yourself rest.
If you don’t sleep, you can say - well at least my body is resting (if my mind is not)
Water, healthy food, fresh air, walks to clear the mind and time.

Yes very normal in my experience. Try to be super kind to yourself and remember this won’t last forever. If you can cut back temporarily on anything at work/home do so, and just let yourself rest and sleep whenever you can. Take care of your body with nourishing food, exercise and sleep.

Yoga nidra is really helpful for falling into a deeply restful state in short periods of time like 30 minutes. There’s lots of free videos on YouTube. I’d really recommend doing this when you’re feeling emotionally/spiritually exhausted - the kind of tiredness that night sleep doesn’t always solve.

Sorry for your loss OP, I can sympathise, my dad died 5 weeks ago, funeral was last week, also cancer, caring for him the last few weeks at home was exhausting, I’m not sure how I did it. I also feel like I’m dragging myself through each day, like I could sleep for a week and it wouldn’t help, so I can totally sympathise.

My condolences OP. I think you have to be gentle on yourself. When my Dad died I was running on andrenaline and basically cracked on as I was so busy. It hit me emotionally two years later.

I lost my mum 3 months ago and was shocked at how different I felt - so exhausted, slept like a log but waking up shattered. On the day of the funeral my back went into spasm so was hobbling for a couple of weeks. Then I had a really bad cold. It’s as though my body was reacting to all the anxiety and stress that built up with caring responsibilities over the last few years as before that I was never ill.

Agree with nutritional food, fresh air, water and sleep. I really let work slide for a month, just doing urgent stuff, emails and I’m only just coming up from the abyss.

My sympathies. I'm in the exact same place. The first 10 days after he died I was sleeping around 16 hours a day.

Even now back at work full time when I get home I'm exhausted at night. I'm hoping as time goes on the fatigue will improve.

All I can say is be kind to yourself

Thank you everyone it’s reassuring to know I’m not alone in this.

i could definitely do better in terms of diet, i eat loads of veg, protein etc but reach for sugary snacks too often when i need an energy boost. I’m also terrible at drinking water and seem to be living off coffee at work. Have a quiet day planned this weekend and then a walk so maybe that will help.

For me, I’ve never felt anything like it. 11 months off helping look after mum, from the day of diagnosis til she passed was a breeze in comparison. I found the 2 weeks of funeral planning I was full of energy, the day after that I never knew how floored with exhaustion was possible for around 2 weeks. I continued with work as at the time I was desperate to keep busy, but just remember there’s no right or wrong. Agree with all above - be kind and focus on breathing one hour at a time x

I'm so sorry for your loss 😔
I think I am in a similar place with the exhaustion. My dad died 2 weeks ago, after quite a long illness where I drove through most weekends to help with care. I had 2 days off after the death and then went back to work. My husband works away during the week and I have primary aged kids so I am used to tiredness but now I have the same sort of exhaustion/falling asleep and waking unrested feeling as you mention.

I am trying to do some mindfulness every day to try and slow down my thoughts and allow myself a gentle start. I also go to yoga and run a couple of times a week which help get into a kind of flow state. If you aren't up to a class there's yoga flows on YouTube or guided meditations that might help with the emotional stresses?

Sadly it's all too normal OP. My Dad was ill for 5 months before he passed away, and by the end I was running on pure adrenaline. When he died, I didn't sleep well for about 6 weeks and that had me on my knees. I was still working (own business so no choice) but it was that horrid bone tired exhaustion and I hate to say that it was around 6 months in that I started to feel more human again. Vitamin C tablets helped, lots of fruit/veg and some walks outside all slowly helped. I'm sorry for your loss.

Thanks both for your reassurance that this is normal and for sharing your experience of loss.

im not sure if this is another symptom of the exhaustion but I find myself being short tempered and irritable. I realise that whilst most people say the right thing to me at this time, a few people, including people I’m close to and I feel should know better, don’t. I feel like it’s not hard to get it right- all people need to say is “sorry about your dad, hope you are doing ok” and maybe ask after my mum. But some people can’t even say that and it makes me angry! Hoping that will pass too!