Performative grief

[Orangesandlemons77]

So my elderly dad died recently peacefully after a short illness and we had his funeral.

A cousin and aunt (not on dads side of the family) came and were crying their eyes out which I found a bit odd as they hardly knew dad.

They came up to me and starting hugging me too and patting my back, I'm not that touchy feely and felt quite uncomfortable. I had not seen them in around 40 yrs.

I felt a bit odd myself as I had done my crying about dad, in private and am quite a private person, I found it all a bit overwhelming and was glad when it was over.

Is this normal? Have others found distant relatives getting overly emotional like this? Thanks.

I think you need to let everyone grieve in their own way. They may have been crying because they hadn’t seen him much and now it is too late, because it brought them closer to their own mortality, because his death reminded them of other closer family deaths, because they felt sorry for closer family left behind, because they are particularly sensitive because of things going on in their own lives, etc etc. there is no right way. I’m so sorry for your loss.

Some people are more emotional and touchy feely than others

Different people, different family cultures, different traditions, different emotional responses.

Some people express everything externally, turned up to 11. Some are only private in their grief. Each seems odd to the other.

I’d sorry for the death of your dad. I hope you have many happy memories to help sustain you.

As I’ve got older, I’ve been to funerals of people I’m not particularly close to and cried because it brings up memories of people I’ve lost. At one funeral, I stood next to someone who actively didn’t like the person who was being buried (she was there to support her daughter who had married into the family) and she wept all the way through the service for the same reason that I do.

And I’ve hugged and patted backs because that’s just what I do. I did it to everyone who stood to pass their respects to me at my mother’s funeral and hardly knew any of those people and similarly I hug families at any funerals I attend if their body language isn’t actively saying “don’t touch”. For me, I find a hug to be comforting.

I’m sure there are situations where there is performative grief, but, unless you knew the people better, you wouldn’t be able to say for definite.

I am sorry for your loss