Marriage after Loss..late wife comparisons

[southernbreezes]

I lost my DH 7 years ago. It was sudden and traumatic death. I found real love again with a widower who I had known many years ago. He is a marvellous man and has welcomed my many adult children into his life and they really get on with him. For practical reasons and indeed because I wanted too I moved into the beautiful house he shared with his late wife. Completely opposite end of country.I have changed it a lot as she was not really interested inside more outside… But there is a problem that I am unsure how to handle. I am always being told by their friends how marvelous she was and so practical etc. I should say that they have been very welcoming but this does make me feel uncomfortable and of course is heightened by being in the actual house. DH always says if I mention this, that it is not a competition and he is of course right but the difference is he is not living with my late DH things or socialising with our old friends. He does meet my old friends as they come and stay and could not be more welcoming but on a day to day basis i find it difficult. Silly things also like they loved dogs and there are still a lot here….and I spend a lot of time cleaning up after them…we are very very rural. I always had one small/medium dog in the past but this is v different. Basically I have made a big change and in many ways he has not. We discussed moving but tbh this is an amazing place and I do not feel like more disruption. So bottom line is I am a very lucky lady . I still miss my late DH as posters say you never forget but I am in love with my new DH. But I need to stop feeling this comparison. It is a very “Rebecca” situation except the late wife was by all accounts lovely! I sometime wish I knew more about her but people are rightly very loyal and say little.Any advice? or just get on with it and stop moaning!

I think it’s always going to be tricky as in lots of ways you’ve stepped into her shoes figuratively speaking. The dogs, the house, the husband. It doesn’t seem like anyone is doing anything wrong to fix so either you give up the lovely house and a fresh start somewhere else.

or possibly give it more time and friends will gradually stop comparing, the dogs will, eventually, pass and you don’t need to replace etc.

I think you should ask your new husband to quietly and discreetly tell his friends not to talk about his late wife when you are around.

If you've been there long enough to make lots of changes to the inside of the house then this is not new. I agree, it's time your husband had a discreet chat with his friends and says he respects their love for his late wife, but he'd appreciate it if they'd now stop mentioning her in your presence, as it creates awkwardness.

The dogs are a limited time problem as they won't live forever. Why are you clearing up after them and not him?

I think that finding your own place together would help. The sense of stepping into someone else's shoes would be much reduced and it would be fun to create a new space that's yours. The references to his previous wife are insensitive on the part of his friends, but hopefully will reduce in time. One of my exes had a friend who was always mentioning his ex wife which I really disliked!! However I think mentioning it to her would have backfired in this case - it depends on the friend I suppose.
I've been widowed for about the same time as you OP, and it's great that you've found happiness for yourselves.

Thank you all for your helpful comments. I know that I am very lucky to have found love again . I certainly was not expecting to or indeed looking for it. To all bereaved you just never know! So it’s seems churlish to have a moan. It would be difficult to move at least at the moment and although DH was happy to do it I really felt that it was not the best plan. Regarding the dogs …not free for another 10 plus years I think. I do clear up after them because firstly he does a lot of other things and also my standards are a lot higher than his late wife tbh. I will talk to him about his friends talking about late wife but this might be difficult to address with them. They mean no malice its just so wearing…I feel so bad but I would love one day for someone to say that she was not good at something….a rubbish cook or anything! Thing is I can tell that there were areas where I do better. My DH has sometimes said…”.its not a competition” and that is of course correct but if you are living in what was their home then frankly its difficult to avoid thinking that. But when all is said and done I am aware how lucky I am and how I could never imagined this in the dark days of early bereavement.