I guess I’m getting stuff off my chest here, and can I please ask that people are kind.
My mum died a few years ago and I’m still struggling with childhood memories. She suffered from depression and anxiety but always refused medical help, preferring to rely on me. I missed a lot of schooling, she would have me believe I was sick to keep me at home, tbh I was frequently ill. I didn’t go on school trips, I found out from my aunt when I grew up that my mum feared something bad would happen to me, she would phone the school and tell them I was too sick to go. In those days it wasn’t questioned, I think in this day and age she wouldn’t have got away with it.
It wasn’t all bad, she could be very kind and loving, she would buy me anything within her monetary means, but I was always reminded of ‘what she had done for me’ I was always in her debt. I was always to blame no matter what went wrong, and if a friend called for me she would make guilt inducing statements about leaving her on her own when she was so poorly, so I didn’t go. I couldn’t keep friends, I guess they got tired of being rebuffed. My dad didn’t interfere, but one day he was off work and told me off for not going to school when there was nothing wrong with me. By the age of around 13 I was so far behind, no confidence, being bullied, and practically friendless so I wanted to stay home. Just the thought of going to school gave me diarrhoea, so I guess in the end I was suffering anxiety. My parents had a volatile relationship, lots of arguments and shouting, it wasn’t a happy home life.
I struggle on a daily basis with anger and disappointment at my miserable childhood, in fact right up until she died I was at her beck and call, if I didn’t she would refuse to speak to me, or would argue with me, remind me of everything she’d ever done for me… it’s really hard to put into words how clever and manipulative she was at making me feel guilty. However I did love her, there’s no question about that.
She died suddenly of a heart attack in her 80’s, I feel guilty for not being with her as my dad called to say she wasn’t well, (this happened regularly and it was never anything serious ) but on this one occasion I stood my ground and didn’t go running because I was on an early shift at work the next day, and this time she was ill , not pretending, now I have to live with that.
I’ve had counselling and hypnotherapy but still cannot let go. I know I need to forgive her, at the end of the day I know I was loved, but having children of my own (who are well balanced and successful in their careers) makes me wonder how she could’ve treated me this way. I could not do that to ours, my DH and I have a close bond with them and a normal loving relationship. I’m so lucky.
I could go on and on, because there’s much more, but it’s helped to write it down.