Irritated by sympathy card

[Orangesandlemons77]

My dad died recently. he was 80 and had a sort illness. I have had a few sympathy cards, but one has irritated me.

It's from an aunt, who I don't know well, who tells me it is 'doubly sad' because another elderly aunt, had passed away aged over 90

I didn't know her, she is not my dad's sister. I just feel like she is going on about her own grief in this card which is meant for me?

Or am I just being sensitive?

Full sympathy to you. You're not being overly sensitive. If anyone can be sensitive, it's at times like this. It's a tough time.

But ... people say all kinds of things. Mostly, it's about them. The best thing to remember, I found is, they have actually thought of you and made the effort to buy a card, think up something to write and post it. In these days of insta and whatsapp, that is huge.

When my DH died about 18mos ago, my DSis gave me some good advice: RAGE - she reckons it's a part of the process. It's totally normal to feel all kinds of emotions and rage will be one of them.

So many people sent cards for my DH but a few of them took me into the red zone. The 'best' one was from a place where I had worked for many years. It had a picture of the place (a stately home type place) on the front. Inside it read, 'With sympathy from all your friends at ...'
No one had actually signed it!!! not even the person who chose/sent it!
And... my former boss from that place, who had instructed my line manager to find a way to sack me, sent me a hand written card and a bouquet of beautiful flowers (why??!!). And ... aformentioned line manager sent me a text !!!

big hugs and sympathy in this time when people will do/say all kinds of things.

I’m so sorry for your loss.
I think it’s very hard not to get irritated by people’s attempts at condolences even when you know they are well meant because it is such a personal experience for anyone who is grieving, so anyone else’s take seems strange. I have to admit I refused to have condolence cards in the house when my DDad died last year, and whilst I did read them, I tore them up and threw them away immediately. I have no idea why I did that, but I really didn’t want them in the house. I remember feeling intensely irritated by them even though I was well aware the senders were being so thoughtful. My DM on the other hand, still has them on display in her room because she takes comfort from re-reading them.
I think it’s ok to feel whatever you are feeling.

I think you are being a little bit oversensitive (which is understandable).

It is something of a bereavement for her as well as you (although she may not be as closely related to your dad) and the card is a way for her to process the loss herself, as well as being for you.

Also, she may be lonely, she may value this rare chance to write to a family member and share family news, she may have seen many elderly relatives pass away in recent years, etc.

My Dad died last year and I think many of the extended family, in writing to us, experienced us as kind of a lightning rod, the channel through which their own sense of loss could be expressed.

That wouldn't be ok in the context of a very traumatic, unexpected loss of a young relative, but it felt very normal and proper in relation to the relatively predictable death of an elderly man.

It's ok to feel irritated, though. You don't have to feel bad about it.

First of all, I'm very sorry for your loss OP. And I understand all of those who request no condolences cards and would certainly respect that wish.

After my son died ten years ago I received many. I couldnt bear to open them so they live in his memory box. Eventually I opened them. It was bittersweet, the horror of what happened coupled with the love of our friends and the recognition that, although he never drew breath, he was acknowledged by our community.

Again, OP, I'm so sorry. And I dont think you are being sensitive. Be kind to yourself.

I would have been bothered by both your mother's comment as well as your aunt's. Your mum's sounded untimely and bossy, and you are allowed to grieve as you need to. As for your aunt, it was insensitive to make a comment about a distant relative when your father had just died. She might connect the two events, but it doesn't sound like you do. I would absolutely feel like my grief was minimized if, in losing someone as close as a parent, someone compared it to a great aunt...

Not quite the same but when one of my dogs died, not one but two people compared it to the loss of their bird. (Different birds.)

Maybe hold off on opening cards for a while. It is easy to be set off in this state, and people rarely say the "right" thing. On the flip side, it's nice that they sent a card, as some can't be bothered.

I'd feel the same. Bereavement cards are in their own lane I think.

Just throw it out. I'm sorry for your loss OP

Firstly, there is no such thing as too sensitive or over sensitive.

You have an immediate reaction and feeling for a reason.Probably and understandably feeling something like; my dad has just died and I want someone to express heartfelt, authentic compassion and understanding and words of care and love directly to me over the loss of my dad. Not an obligatory going through the motions message that doesn't really acknowledge what I'm experiencing in this loss.

People often communicate poorly. Sometimes deliberately, often just thoughtless without ill intent. Some don't know what to say.

It's perfectly fine to feel how you feel. Don't bother acknowledging cards if you don't want to until you are ready. This is your dad,your grief and anyone's subsidiary upset can fuck off, respectfully, until you're ready to be gracious;if you even want to. ❤️

This. When I read the cards I was sent on the death of my parents it makes me smile to think that people cared enough to actually send a card, and I like it when people write something more than the usual "sorry for your loss".

I really can't imagine being "irritated" by a sympathy card at all.

People don’t always know what to say, but at least they are saying something, trying to show you they care. Better to have clumsy wording than have your grief ignored? Grief can do all sorts of weird things to your mind, just try to let these little things go.
I’m sorry for your loss, it must be a very difficult time for you.

Sorry to jump on your thread but my DDAD passed away and I received a card from my dad’s wife’s son saying at least he will be with my mum now. It annoyed me as I wanted to shout he will be my mum as well
i lost my DM several years ago