Irritated by sympathy card

[Orangesandlemons77]

My dad died recently. he was 80 and had a sort illness. I have had a few sympathy cards, but one has irritated me.

It's from an aunt, who I don't know well, who tells me it is 'doubly sad' because another elderly aunt, had passed away aged over 90

I didn't know her, she is not my dad's sister. I just feel like she is going on about her own grief in this card which is meant for me?

Or am I just being sensitive?

You're being overly sensitive. It's understandable though after bereavement. Sorry for your loss.

I’d feel the same. Sympathy cards should focus on the recipient not on the grief of the sender.

I think you’re overly sensitive maybe. Sounds like she’s had two bereavements in short succession. I’m sure she didn’t mean to offend by mentioning that

I'd feel the same as you.

I'm also irritated by one from my mum (who divorced me dad) telling me to 'come together as a family'

Maybe people should just send sympathy cards to say sorry for your loss rather than a message like this

Your mum was a bit insensitive, but don’t divert your grief into being annoyed with other people. Sorry for your loss.

When my father passed away, I had someone compare it to the death of their dog (not comparable in ANY way) and it wound me right up. But when I calmed down, I realised that death is an awkward subject & folk don’t always say or do the right thing. My condolences to you as well ❤️

That is worse...argh. I guess they are trying..

A bit strange but I doubt it was meant badly. I’m sorry for your loss.

I think some people try to avoid "sorry for your loss" as they know everyone will say that, and try to think of something a bit more individual. But then they get it wrong. I think just try to remember that they mean well.

I told everyone I didn't want any condolence cards and everyone listened to me thank goodness.
I knew people would struggle with what to write and didn't want to read " I can't imagine how you must be feeling" lots of times.

I told everyone I didn't want any condolence cards and everyone listened to me thank goodness.
I knew people would struggle with what to write and didn't want to read " I can't imagine how you must be feeling" lots of times.

I told everyone I didn't want any condolence cards and everyone listened to me thank goodness.
I knew people would struggle with what to write and didn't want to read " I can't imagine how you must be feeling" lots of times.

I told everyone I didn't want any condolence cards and everyone listened to me thank goodness.
I knew people would struggle with what to write and didn't want to read " I can't imagine how you must be feeling" lots of times.

I guess the other aunt died very recently and that was her way of letting you know? Crass as it may seem. I don't think she was trying to be horrible.

I'm sorry for your loss. X

I’m so sorry for your loss.

I think people are often clumsily trying their best to say the right thing and sometimes they get it wrong. I found the people who never even mentioned my dad’s death the most hurtful.

take care of yourself. It’s such a tough time.

Thanks for the messages. I guess I'm just a bit sensitive as well which doesn't help.

Of course you feel sensitive. It’s perfectly natural. Don’t be too hard on yourself or others right now. Take care

Grief shows up in all sorts of ways, go easy on yourself, acknowledge how you feel, and try to let it go when the time's right. Am sure the card sender didn't mean any harm but that doesn't mean you didn't feel it.
I received a card after my beloved mum died quite unexpectedly last year, and the sender didn't call her by her name, just used 'her' in the card which upset me quite a lot - was it meant to cause upset? No. Did I feel offended? Yes I did! It still bugs me to be honest, if I think about it.

I'm really sorry about your loss, @Orangesandlemons77 ❤
I suspectyour aunty was just reflecting on the sadness of losing two people she cared about so soon together. As others have said, it can be hard to know what to write, and that your aunt took the trouble to write to you shows that you are in her thoughts. xx

I know it is hard not to take offence when you are grieving, so it is easier said than done, however. I recently lost a relative I adored. Not next of kin, but we were close, and the grief is real. I received an email from someone saying "Sorry for your loss but the poignant loss and real grief will be experienced by person A" ...! I was so distressed, as it just completely invalidated my feelings and love for the family member who had passed away. I'm not sure why they felt the need to write that. Of course, the person they were referring to, was the person we as a family were really worried about and were already taking care of ...

You take good care 🌷
xx

I’d be irritated by your mum’s one but the elderly aunt just sounds like she’s being an elderly aunt.

When my sister died I really hated the ones that said stupid stuff like 'she'll be watching over you' or 'she's smiling down at you from heaven' or 'she's with your mum now'. Load of utter bollocks. I was angry at the world though to be honest.

Really sorry for your loss.

I think it’s difficult to write condolence cards, but I do think they are the wrong place to make it about the sender - your Aunt telling you about another distant relative dying was kind of making it about her grief, and your mum was in a way capitalising on your dads death with a bit of emotional manipulation to draw you to her (if I understood the comment correctly).
A condolence card in my view should be focused on the loss being experienced by the recipient of the card.

Yes, you are being overly sensitive but that's understandable. Your mum's message wasn't great but I can understand your aunt's. I assume she's no spring chicken herself she's starting to lose her peer group (your dad, the other aunt, maybe her friends and people you don't even know about). It obviously happens as you age but you still don't "expect" it (if that makes sense). You start to feel very lonely and sometimes scared too. She's connecting with you in grief and not deliberately being uncaring. It's not like someone comparing their grief, which is something I had sooo much of when my DH died at the age of 47.

She has said a completely normal thing - we’ve had two deaths in the family of late and literally everyone grieving has said exactly the same thing as your aunty.

you are not thinking straight. Which is understandable