Having regular nightmares would like to talk

[eenybeeny]

My very loved nephew died 5 years ago at the age of 11 from cancer. Now I have a DS who is 21 months. Every night I keep dreaming that my nephew and son change places. That my nephew comes back to life but my son has to die to take his place. Its awful. Obviously I wish my nephew COULD come back but not at the expense of my son and these dreams just make me feel so guilty and awful. In my dreams my son gets hurt in the most awful ways and I am just running around like a mad woman trying to save his life. I dont know. I know other people's dreams are boring. I just wonder why my mind has made this connection between my nephew and son's lives. Like they cant both exist one has to die. It doesnt make any sense.

Eeny, how awful for you! Bad enough to have these sorts of thought but even worse that they come to you in dream form that you don't feel you have any control over.

I don't dream about my stillborn dd2 but I do have thoughts about "what if I had to chose another child for her to change places with", etc, and I'm also a lot more aware that bad things happen and that me and my family are not "immune" to tragedy.

I'm no expert, but try not to fight the dreams. I wonder if the more importance and emphasis you put on them, the more you'll have them (almost like a bully, IYSWIM?) And remember, it is perfectly normal for you to put your son above your nephew - it does not make you a bad person. Try to be easy on yourself cos you can't control your dreams.

thank you. really I appreciate your compassion. I am so sorry about your daughter who you lost. I know I havent been there but I lose my son every night in my dreams (mightmares) so I have an idea how devastating it would be to lose a child. Plus I watched what my sister went through.

I really know what you mean about knowing you arent immune to bad things happening. I think watching my nephew die taught me that.

Sorry, I don't have any good advice but just to say sorry that this is happening. It must be very distressing for you. Perhaps you could talk about it with your DH or someone else and that might help the dreams stop? I don't think you should feel guilty, I think you are just subconciously fearful that something tragic might happen to your son. Hope they stop soon.

I woke up screaming 3 times last night. Woke my DH up. Its awful. The nightmares are so horrendous. I dont know what to do. Today I feel so sick and tired and worn out.

Don't feel guilty at all.

I'd say that you probably haven't come to terms with the death of your nephew at such a young age. And you are now projecting those thoughts and fears onto your son - as any parent who has been through such trauma with a family member would do.

I'm no expert. But do you think you need to come to terms with your nephew's death? Do you feel you grieved properly? Would talking to someone help? A counsellor maybe?

I dont know. On the whole (in the past) I havent found talking to be very helpful. I dont know why I just dont. I guess I dont know what to say. Sorry I sound so useless I am just exhausted and been sick a lot today - took a pregnancy test (a week early) and it was negative but obviously I could still be pregnant as its early... I am just really ill at the moment and want to crawl into bed but am alone with DS for another 4 hours.

Ah, what an awful thing to happen - I'm so sorry for your loss eeny

After my mum killed herself I had several dreams in which other people I loved did the same. Kind of similar to you really - lots of running around, trying to find them in time, hearing a gunshot in the distance and knowing I was too late etc. (not that she shot herself, but you know what I mean). I remember very clearly a strange mix of feelings that was constant throughout the dreams, that it was my fault on the one hand because I could not reach them in time/hadn't said the right thing/didn't realise what was happening, and terrible anger and pain on the other hand that it had happened again, that someone else I loved and needed and depended on had left me again.

I think it was my brain trying to process things that I couldn't consciously make sense of, and perhaps that's what's happening with you. You must feel awful on your sister's behalf, hurt because you can't take her pain away, guilty because your son is here and hers isn't (NOT that you need to feel guilty about this, obviously, just that ime guilt often accompanies bereavement), terrified for your son's future...that's a lot of emotional work, and not all of it can take place in the day. And the bargaining is part and parcel as well - I have thought so many times that I would give anything to have my brother back, but then thought again that maybe I wouldn't - couldn't - make certain sacrifices...it's impossible to stop yourself, even though it just adds to the pain

Talk things through with your partner and maybe your sister if the situation allows, and don't beat yourself up about still loving a lost person so much. I hope you find some peace soon

thank you!

you have all brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing your own experiences and wishing me well.

cyteen I am so sorry about your Mum. Its awful isnt it.

My first boyfriend (AGES AND AGES ago) killed himself. I thought I knew grief then but I hadnt a clue. I was too young and we werent serious enough. When my nephew died a part of me died. Now I live in fear of my son being hurt or dying.

Ah yes, the fear. The fear is not a friend. Since my brother died I have felt a bit like our family is under a curse, and the enjoyment of my pregnancy has been tempered by a dreadful unreasoning fear that something will go wrong, because that's just what seems to happen to us. The only thing I can do is try and not let it rule me - I choose to take refuge in fatalism!

(about the fatalism)

all through my pregnancy with DS I was first convinced I was going to miscarry then he would be stillborn. It was awful. I know how you feel about the curse idea.

after my daughter was stillborn, i became convinced that death knew where to find me. it was very creepy and strange, and i remember feeling afraid every time i went in a car that it would crash. i think i must have been fairly traumatised and depressed at the time. i suppose it reverses the order of things when a child dies, so anything and everything seems possible - i mean bad stuff, of course. somehow, the idea of random good stuff happening doesn't seem to occur to one!
(it does though, cos i have twins now)
the feeling did wear off eventually - hope it does for you too - tonight, preferably

Eeny, poor you, it sounds as though you have been through a lot, and haven't had a chance to deal with it all yet.

I have an idea, at least, of the fear and foreboding about something happening to your baby. While nothing has happened that close to me, there are an awful lot of dead children in my family, and I was convinced, every night for the first year at least of dds life, that I would wake up in the morning and she would be dead. Your brain does make all sorts of irrational deals and connections, and won't be reasoned with sometimes. And has hatjam says, it does wear off, in the end.

Perhaps, as someone else said further up, it might help to face up to the dreams. Keep an dream diary - if you can, write them down as soon as you wake. That in itself can often help to change them. But if that doesn't work, take a good look at the dream. Some people think that every single important figure in a dream is a part of you. So write down what all of the people/animals/things in your dream have to say. You might be surprised what you find, and it can definitely help to take the power out of the dream.

And pregnancy gave me the most lurid and fearful dreams - probably the hormones mixed with a memory of all the dead children who came before - so that might be something to do with it too.

hi hatjam and vonsudenfed - thanks for writing. hatjam - was your stillborn daughter your first child? I am so sorry. You must have felt such grief. And still do I imagine. I am so glad for you that you have twins now and hope they bring a comfort to you.

Vonsudenfed - I think you are right about working out what the things in my dreams mean. And I know you are right that pregnancy brings out all sorts of crazy dreams. It did with my DS and I am hoping I am pregnant now that would at least be a ray of sunshine. I am sorry for you as well that you have lost little children in your family. Its awful isnt it all we want to do is protect them and make them happy and sometimes we are robbed of that chance.