DP has passed away. What should I do about work?

[anothercookie]

My DP passed away 3 weeks ago. He was young and my girls are young - one in secondary and one in primary.

I worked full time although currently signed off by the GP with stress.

what I’m struggling with is what to do next. My job is pretty full on with a long commute although only expected in the office twice a week. Altho DP had life insurance it’s going to take a while to come in and I’m yet to apply for probate.

many people are telling me to go back to work as I’ll need ‘something to do’ and something for me. I like my job but it’s pretty full on and stressful. I only managed it because my husband did a lot at home.

I guess I’m looking for other experiences of people widowed young and how they managed to juggle things as a single parent. I’m conscious that it’s not just about getting wraparound childcare in place (and conscious my youngest hates holiday / after school clubs now) - it’s also about managing their grief and my own and also just showing up for them when they get home from school.

financially - I will need to work long term. However the insurance money (if and when it comes through) will enable me to take a year or two off.

don't do anything yet. they say 'no major decisions' in the first year following a loss. your body and mind and soul are all over the place. take some time for now.. just be off, and let yourself just sleep, or walk, or cry, or do whatever you need to do.
If work are supportive, they will continue to be so. If they are not, then it's bes not to engage too much with thoughts about going back. it is very very early. incredibly early days. just take a bit of care of yourself for a couple months.

do you know your sickness entitlement and if you are getting full pay for a little while - i guess that can sometimes be a pointer about how long you can just allow yourself to grieve.

take care.

How good are your work likely to be? I don’t think you should be going back to work for the foreseeable future. Your gp will presumably continue to support you and sign you off.
Will work be flexible and open to a phased return and more time working from home?
Don’t rush to go back. Your family is
more important right now.
I have no experience of what you’re going through but I’m very sorry for your loss.

I am very sorry for your loss. I didn't have young children to consider about but my GP insisted on signing me off for 6 weeks "for starters" when he rang the morning after DH died and on seeing me before I thought about going back. I did try on phased return but it was too soon and I was off a few months in the end, lucky it was local government and good sick pay, I know many are not so fortunate.

It is so overwhelming at first, there is so much to do in the first stages of grief that when the "dust settles" about practicalities that you can get a false sense of being OK when you're really not, because all your energy and focus has been spent on sorting stuff and trying to cope. If having to "go back" and reset by taking more time is needed, please don't hesitate to do so and give yourself plenty of time now if you can, before even considering returning to work.

Sending all good wishes.

Thanks everyone for the advice.

I’ve already been off 3 months and have been paid in full so that changes from next month when I think goes down to half pay.

I’ve also got a GP appointment mid June so will try and get signed off for longer.

work will allow a phased return and I’ll be able to reduce hours. It’s just I have an hour and 30 min commute each way so even 2 days a week will mean very long days.

no family near by to help during the week.

Op if there's money coming soon could you consider a nanny/nanny share on your work days - or an au pair full-time mght be more suitable? Do you have room?

Is your employer likely to agree to you changing to WFH only? Maybe that and reduce your hours to give you more time at home. That would at least save you the commute.
Someone I work with did this due to personal circumstances- they had to submit a flexible working request and got their contract changed to home working

I know its not the same but when I split from my DP my fear was how I would manage doing it all alone. Make a plan and you will find your rhythm and adjust if it's not working. Things that helped me were accepting that the house went down hill during the week, and not to worry about it, Batch cooking and a clear schedule.

they might agree to wfh initially but prob only a couple of months and then I would be expected to go in a couple of days a week. My job also involves presenting, organising events, attending events and staying overnight at other office locations sometimes so wfh permanently wouldn’t be an option.

I was widowed when my daughter was young, 4 years ago now. I took over 6 months off. His death was sudden and I could barely function for months. Some people have no choice but to go back sooner than that, some want to, but for me it was the right thing to do. When I did go back I managed okay and was glad I hadn't rushed myself.

A few years down the line I now have to work almost full time to keep us afloat but it's hard, even though I work mostly from home. I did actually work full time for almost a year but couldn't cope, it was just too much with the childcare and managing a household. There was no space for my grief - not healthy.

My ideal would be 3 days, but I now work 4. If I were you I'd try to go part time longer term rather than taking a couple of years off entirely and having to then go full time, but it's all individual.

Feel free to dm me if you want to chat.

My sister was widowed young when both her kids were in primary school. Her husband mostly worked from home so was about to drop the kids to the walkable school etc. my sister is a teacher with an additional responsibility and no existing flexibility. She reduced her hours a tiny bit and was allowed to arrive later and the kids went to the village childminder (they’d gone as babies) after school. She also doesn’t have family close by. Financially she could have taken a year or two or relinquished her extra responsibility, but she didn’t want to. She does find it stressful at times, but I wonder if she kind of semi enjoys the work stress - feels challenged and a distraction in a way from home worries. I may be entirely wrong about that bit!

speak to your employer and see what support they can put in place and go from there. If you want some time off or want to find a more local less stressful job. There are lots of online and real meet up communities that could offer real life advice. WAY widowed and young being the main one. My sister is on all sorts of facebook support groups and goes to some meetups, but that may not be for you. You have to do what feels right for you and your kids.

So sorry for your loss.

I'm sorry for your loss. My job entailed a lot of driving when my boys were 3 and 5 and DH died suddenly. I never went back.

So sorry for your loss x

I am so sorry for your loss @anothercookie

Firstly, don't make any rash decisions

Talk to your line manager and hr and see what accommodations can be made to help you stay in work and also still be there for your children.

Take it from there and take it slowly.

Minute by minute if needs be.