DP has passed away. What should I do about work?

[anothercookie]

My DP passed away 3 weeks ago. He was young and my girls are young - one in secondary and one in primary.

I worked full time although currently signed off by the GP with stress.

what I’m struggling with is what to do next. My job is pretty full on with a long commute although only expected in the office twice a week. Altho DP had life insurance it’s going to take a while to come in and I’m yet to apply for probate.

many people are telling me to go back to work as I’ll need ‘something to do’ and something for me. I like my job but it’s pretty full on and stressful. I only managed it because my husband did a lot at home.

I guess I’m looking for other experiences of people widowed young and how they managed to juggle things as a single parent. I’m conscious that it’s not just about getting wraparound childcare in place (and conscious my youngest hates holiday / after school clubs now) - it’s also about managing their grief and my own and also just showing up for them when they get home from school.

financially - I will need to work long term. However the insurance money (if and when it comes through) will enable me to take a year or two off.

I don’t have any experience but just to say I’m am very sorry for your loss

I am a Lp but not as a widow .

sorry for your loss . Can I ask would work consider reducing your hours for a while .

It is still so early for the children and yourself just bear in mind most people who give this advice haven’t been in your position .

Trust your gut how you all are managing

I'm sorry to hear about your DP. If you have a half decent employer then I suggest you arrange a meeting or phone call with your manager and have an honest chat about what they can do to support your return to work, perhaps by lifting some responsibilities from you or changing your hours. People will know how tough this is for you.

In my workplace that has happened and the person affected worked from home for a year. I'm also fairly sure there was an unspoken agreement to lighten their workload. Don't quit, people will help you stay in your job.

I don't have any personal experience of this, but my advice would be to give yourself a bit more time at home before returning to work. It's all still very fresh for you right now and you and your children need time.

When you do return to work, ask to do so on a phased return, so you are not jumping back in full time immediately. What are your employers like? If they are generally supportive, it might be worth looking at if you could put in a flexible working request that allows you to balance things at home. However, it sounds like the job itself is maybe of a type that would spill into 'your' time even if you could agree something with shorter hours, so this might not work.

Basically, I wouldn't make any huge decisions right now. Take some time to look after yourself and be with your family.

Sounds like you are totally understandably shocked and daunted.

Do you have any family or friends around who can help you with the logistics? Can you get signed off for longer on full pay? How long will the insurance take?

I think it is absolutely fine to take more time off and maybe go back doing reduced hours or even not at all for a while if you can expect to be supplemented by the insurance.

I was a single parent from early on because of ex husband’s mental health problems and then he ended his own life. It has been seismic and I took a lot of time off to process my own feelings and support my kids by being there. I am ‘last man standing’ now we have lost both my mum and my ex and felt I needed to look after myself to be there for them. My work have been amazing and offered a return on same money with lighter duties.

Give yourself more time and as PP said maybe see if there could be a phased return to work etc. When my DH died I had around three months off as I was only working two temporary part time jobs at that point, and there was so much paperwork as well as dealing with grieving DC and my own grief, going back to work was definitely good for me after that, it did feel like something for me.

Could you think about changing jobs at some stage? I took a term time only child care job which meant I was around for my children, but my youngest DC was just moving up to secondary anyway. I wondered if that would help with not having so much time in childcare for your youngest.

Oh gosh, so sorry for your loss.

I think first things first, is not to make any large changes just yet. You’re off work and you can have a think.

Could you possibly work part time, 3 days a week or shorter days. If your company is a good one, they should look to help you in any way. You could even choose to do this for 6 months and the agree with hr to have another discussion about going back full time after x period of time. At least that way you have options, life insurance etc will come through and you will be in a better head space to make a decision.

I hope your employer won't just expect you back full time.
Where i work it would be phased return and reduced duties like a pp said above

Also make sure you have claimed everything you are entitled to, you should get Bereavement Support Payment https://www.gov.uk/bereavement-support-payment

I’m so so sorry for your loss.

I'm another who thinks that the first thing is to ask for a reduction in hours for the next year at least. It’s necessary on both a practical and psychological level, and for both you and the kids.

I think it would be really really good to have the kids talk to a family/child psychotherapist (not counsellor or psychiatrist) for a few sessions to get a sense of what they need and put together an approach.

it will be easier to just stumble forward doing your best - but I strongly believe this will help you feel clearer and less overwhelmed in the short term, and will absolutely benefit them in the long term.

all good wishes, this is very hard.

I’m really sorry for your loss. I would talk to your employer first and foremost. Good you maybe do a phased return ? Less days or shorter days to help with childcare ? I have not been in your loss situation but I have been a full time working parent and I wouldn’t. Advise stopping work altogether even when your money comes, try and reduce down and then see how you go. Thinking of your and your kids x

I am very sorry for your loss op. I'm wondering if it's possible to go part time in the job you already have. I think it's a very difficult time for you to be making big changes that you maybe won't be able to reverse later. I would take as long as you need off sick but maybe don't hand your notice in yet. Later you might find that a couple of days work at a job and environment you are familiar with might give you a bit of breathing space to think about what you want to do next. I think it must be impossible hard for you to think out next steps at the present time. 💐

I'm so sorry. I was a stay at home mum when my husband died and my two were at primary school. If I remember correctly the death in service payment came through quite quickly, maybe within three months.
There was such a lot of paperwork and things to deal with it felt hard just keeping the 'show' on the road and routine for the children, whilst trying to find time to grieve. You're at the very beginning. I would expect/hope your work would give you an extended period of leave and then a phased return. Unless you're desperate to get back, I would take as long as you can to absorb the shock before diving back into work.
I gradually built up to working full time but initially I wanted to be around as much as possible to reassure the children though their world had changed beyond recognition. I suppose I was trying to be both mum and dad to them. It is very hard. I hope you have loving friends you can lean on xxx

It's alot to take in. Give you self time and the allowance to 'catch up'.

I would not even contemplate going back to work until you have dealt with the funeral and your kids are settled back in school. (Probate etc is not urgent it can wait until you are in a more stable place.)

I would get the dc (and you?) Some grief counselling. This can often be done with charities who support particular illnesses or there are children who have lost parents ones.

Work depends on what you do and what your company is like. Your GP will give you significant time to deal with this as sick leave.

I would try and stick with your current employer in the short term at least. Assuming you've been there a few years they owe you some leeway which will help you get back on your feet. They say you should not make big changes with 12 months of a significant loss/life change to enable you to process each change properly and not make decisions you later regret because you feel your hand is forced.

Take care of yourself...

I’m so sorry for your loss OP, what a sad and awful blow for you and your DCs.

I would definitely try to get signed off for a bit longer to give yourself a bit more thinking and grieving time. Agree with suggestions above about asking your employer for (even temporary) part time arrangements to ease yourself back in, they would hopefully be understanding under the circumstances.

Lastly, and I mean this gently, please do apply for probate asap as I’ve heard from friends that these days it’s taking far longer to obtain than it ever used to pre Covid so the sooner you get the ball rolling and in the system the sooner you’ll be able to access the life insurance etc that will make your life easier.

Sending lots of love and strength to you.

Im so sorry for your loss. Have you contacted Widowed and Young. They might be able to advise you or put you in touch with others who have been through similar.

https://www.widowedandyoung.org.uk/

The people saying “go back to work so you have something to do” have clearly never experienced widowhood with young kids 🙄

You need some time to adjust, as do your kids and in the meantime there is soooo much “Sadmin” (death admin) and you also need time to think.

How does your life look without your spouse, practically and financially?

You’re going to be pulled in all directions, grief, loneliness, parenting, practical duties (cooking, cleaning etc), managing other people’s grief (your kids, in-laws etc) and adapting to how society will now see you (the tilted heads and “how aaaaare you”) which will want to make you cry.

So work should be the least of your worries right now. Step back for as long as you can, go back on reduced hours and from home if you can, but don’t rush back, you need lots of time to heal and adjust.

Big hugs and sympathy. My DH died in Feb 2024 and my DDs are teens so I am/have been somewhat in your position. I'm sorry to hear that you're off work for stress but it's completely understandable. In addition to the emotional side, you will have discovered that there's a lot of practical admin to be done. PPs suggesting further time off are right and also a phased return and even part-time if your employer will agree.

For the first year, it can be good to have some 'normals' still in place. Also, people will be ready to help short and medium term which should take you to the summer holidays at least. My DDs are older than yours (6th form and secondary) so were pretty independent already. Do your DDs have friends whose parents could look after them after school? Or do you have grandparents nearby? My in-laws would have helped with that sort of thing if my DDs had been younger.

• Do go to a Jobcenter and sign up for the bereavement payments. There's a lump sum of £3500 and £350/mos for 18mos after that.
• You are right that it can take a while for insurance money to come through; for us it took 4 months for the pension payments to start and then more than a year for the insurance payout.
• Probate was quicker than expected, although the internet suggested it would be ages. My solicitor helped me apply online. Go ahead and start the process since many places will want both a death certificate and a grant of probate (either originals or copies) to release your DH's funds. My DH wrote his will at the last minute in hospice, so I had access to our solicitors in the weeks just after his death. They made several certified copies of lots documents.
• The death certificate was a big delay for me. It took a long time to get a registrar's appointment here which made the funeral process v. slow. DH died in late Feb but the funeral was in early April!
• If your DH had ISAs, you can roll those into yours or open ISAs in your name and move his ISAs into them beyond the 20k limit using APS (additional permitted subscription). The bank clerks don't know about this but it exists. I used Santander's inheritance ISA but other banks will have similar. I had to explain to them what to do the whole way through. I have found that most places have things like this but that staff know very little so you have to be your own advocate.

I continued to work for another year or so but I am moving on this summer. My job has very long hours and at first this was ok but as time has moved on, I have found that very tricky since at my job it's very much about being present. Initially, they were very understanding when DH was in hospital and hospice but a year later, they don't understand/have forgotten/don't care that I have to do all the medical appointments and waiting for tradesmen and such and arranging time away from work is discouraged. If you have WFH days that is good. Sad to say but those stacks of admin have not decreased for me. I spend most school holidays working on them.

Wishing you and your DDs all the best.

My children were older than yours, which made life a bit simpler. But my GP encouraged me to take more sick leave then I'd originally planned, and I was very grateful to have someone tell me what to do in that regard, because there's always that guilt involved in being off sick when you're not physically unwell. I was fortunate to be paid in full during that time, and took two months, followed by a four week phased return.

I was fortunate not to have all the legal stuff to do though, as we knew my husband was going to die, so had moved money around into joint accounts. So you might aim for three months?

Much sympathy and empathy for you. Take care of yourself.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I think the main thing is - you don’t have to decide today, or next week, or even next month. If you can manage it, I’d arrange an informal chat with your boss to see what their expectations are. Your GP will sign you off for a few more weeks if that’s what you need. Then you need to talk to work about how they’ll support you. Working from home for a year, for example, would be a perfectly reasonable adjustment. As would a phased return, as would part-time hours.

You basically just need breathing space until you work out what the best way forward is. For you, that might be going back to work - the routine can be comforting and I always found work a good way to ‘switch off my grief brain.’ But obviously you’ve the children to consider too.

100% agree re bereavement payment, you should also speak to your mortgage provider, they may give you a payment holiday (a friend’s provider continued to apply interest but she didn’t actually have to pay anything for a year, there are pluses and minuses to that of course, but it suited her situation).

Widowed and Young is a fabulous organisation.

Also - see all those people who have said ‘let me know if there’s anything I can do?’ THIS is what they meant. People will help you with all this, even if it’s just to talk it through.

Hi I was widowed with a baby and an 11 year old, firstly take one day at a time, If you haven't yet claimed widowed parents allowance put in for that, it will take the pressure off for a little bit. Not sure how much it is now but should help a little bit.

I went back to work when the baby was 8 months old as It was all I knew to be honest and I needed the day to day to find our new normal.

It wasn't easy but I thought the quicker we try to find out what works for us a family the better. I still speak to my kids about their dad and we laugh more than cry now.

Talk, laugh, cry, shout, scream do what you need to do to be strong for your kids and take it minute by minute, hour by hour and day by day.

Take care

What is your sickness pay like? Honestly 3 weeks is nothing. My DH was given 2 weeks off when my mother died. I wouldn’t be rushing back to work yet.

I will probably be skinned alive for saying this on MM but I would stay off until at least mid September when you have settled the kids into the next school year. But try and put some structure in place for yourself for when they’re in school, morning gym, staring into space, 30 mins sadmin, meet a friend for coffee and they school for pick up. Your kids are going to need you and you will need to get your own down time during the day.

OP I'm so so sorry for your loss. It happened to a close family member 6 years ago. She took a couple of months off work with a phased return . She made sure the DC were settled into a good new routine before returning. She actually went in and had a meeting with HR and payroll and they went through her extra tax credits etc (we are in Ireland) so explained what was in her best interests financially which I think was a 3 day then a 4 day week as the extra tax credit made up for loosing a days pay. Like you long term she needed to work and she liked her job and had lovely friends so she is delighted now she stayed. Her DC are older now and very independent and it's not been easy but they are all doing great.

Dear @anothercookie

Firstly I would like to say how sorry I am to read about your recent loss, my heart goes out to you and your family.

I was also widowed young aged 39 (dh was 41 when he passed) 2 children dd was 13 and ds was 9.
Although this all happened 18 years ago now I read your post and your words resonated so much with my situation at the time. I was a nurse working in general practice at the time, my employers were fabulous and allowed me as much time off as I felt I needed.
I had so much advice from friends and family to ‘go back to work to take my mind off things’ and to a certain extent I felt that was probably the best way to cope at the time. Altogether I had about 3 months off then did a phased return but I never went back to working full time. I found I needed to be around much more for the children and although they did go to an after school club for a while they never really enjoyed it, consequently I felt a lot of guilt, although it was the only option for me at the time.

I see someone else has already mentioned ‘Widowed and Young’ in a previous post but I would just like to also recommend contacting them, I found so much support and advice from them. I even met up with several other widows & widowers and still keep in touch with them to this day.
www.widowedandyoung

Take care of yourself 💐