I feel I let her down

[Summer259]

My partner’s mum died yesterday. He lives with her and I would stop over but she became a recluse in recent years due to some problems caused by her family. I spoke to her a few times and she was a lovely person but not much as she spent time in her room even when I wasn’t there.

I feel so upset as she had bad anaemia which the GP knew as the paramedics came out last year and took her to hospital. The paramedics were furious as she had paramedics out a few months before and the database showed bad iron levels but they didn’t take her to hospital and left her at home and went.

She had polymyalgia and diabetes and at the end at hospital a stomach ulcer and sepsis. She refused a blood transfusion being a Jehovah Witness. I was so sad when I saw her refuse the blood transfusion and the doctors had asked her in front of different family members just to make sure in case she changed her mind.

I feel awful as I know a lot about anaemia and if I had known how bad she was I would have bought her all the iron, folate and B12 supplements etc. She did ask for iron tablets recently and we went last bank holiday but then chemist was closed then she went to hospital. She had been bleeding at home in her stools and similar to a period but we didn’t know as she never told my partner but she had told someone else.

She wasn’t coming downstairs the last month and a few times I told my partner she needs to come down but he thought she had become depressed as she had some bad news recently about her son and a fallout out with her daughter so she wasn’t eating I feel I let her down.

OP this is very common reaction after someone dies. It sounds like she should have sought medical help a while ago. No matter how much iron she was getting if she was losing significant amounts of blood she would have continued to be anemic.

Did the first set of paramedics suggest hospital and she said no or did they not suggest it? In the past my Mum refused hospital admission and that was her right.

The sad thing is she said to me in the hospital she went to the doctor sooner. She had an ankle
injury for weeks that wasn’t healing and her son kept telling her he will ring the doctors and she was saying not today as she was tired. I kept asking him too. He took her to doctors who phoned an ambulance straight away as she kept collapsing and couldn’t walk.

It is natural to think if more could have been done, but it sounds like she wasn't keen on seeking support for her numerous health issues. I'm sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourself. How is your partner coping?

Thanks. I suppose we can’t blame ourselves if she did not want to disclose issues or get help sooner. He was so upset yesterday and says he can’t imagine life without her. Photos and videos triggered him.

I’m sorry for your loss op, and for your dp too - it’s very hard when someone does not want to seek the treatment you know they need, and I’m sure he will feel distraught db guilty. And at some stage angry at himself, his mum, her religious beliefs, and everyone involved for the situation that led to her death. Just be there for him and listen.

Whether different actions might have led to a different outcome is impossible to say. it’s inevitable you will think “if only I had done this or not done that”. Right now it’s very raw - it may take a long time to find your peace with it.

And It doesn’t sound like she was clinging onto life very hard - and if someone doesn’t want to fight to stay healthy you can’t make them. Trying to force treatment can be dreadful, and tension with her religious beliefs may have made her so utterly miserable that that would have ultimately caused you all as much or more regret.

Its okay to go through bad moments as long as you stay good and give off good energy towards others. Enjoy the moments with your family.