Should I be worried

[WarmRaven]

My mum died 5 years ago today. It was during lockdown, she had Dementia and she was in a care home. Unlike so many others I was able to spend a few short visits with my mum, gown, gloves and mask on in her last week. I really thought that I was doing well with my grieving but recently I was away with a friend for the night. We had a twin room. I slept quite well I thought, but in the morning my friend asked me if I was feeling particularly sad at the moment? I asked her what had prompted the question and then she told me that during the night I had cried out in my sleep 'I want my mummy'. I am 60 years old! I've lived alone all my adult life. I was just quite surprised that at some level, I was saying such a childlike thing. My friend was very kind but I think it unnerved her a little and she did suggest I might benefit from some sort of counselling. What do others think. I admit I have been thinking more about my mum as I approached the anniversary of her death.

So sorry for your loss, and especially during that time. I do think counselling may be helpful, especially as you are thinking so much of the anniversary.

Personally, I found losing my mum hit me harder than I ever expected. It took a lot of years to overcome the urge to pick up the phone to her, and when I was ill, I really wanted her by my side.

For me grieving has not been linear. There have been triggers which have made me sad when I have not expected it. But most of the time I focus on happy memories.

I hope you can find a way to do the same,💐

My mum died 3 years ago now and my partner says I still sometimes cry in my sleep. I generally don't wake up fully but I find I do feel exhausted and sad when I wake in the morning. It usually happens around occasions when I'm thinking of my mum a lot.

My mum used to say she felt like she would never not miss having her own mum around, years after my gran died. I'm starting to feel that she was spot on with that. Yes I am coping, and at the point I can talk and remember her happily. But the lost and sadness is still there.

Thank you both. What you say is very helpful. My grief was certainly not linear. At first I was absolutely furious that while I and so many others had been restricted from seeing our loved ones, the week my mum died, party gate took place. It took Boris Johnson being removed as PM for me to get past a big 'blockage'. On a rational level I remember how difficult and draining it was as the Dementia took hold. The revolving door in and out of hospital is not something I ever want to go back to. Also guilt that I wasn't always as patient or understanding as I should have been. I did love her but I just remember so many times when I got frustrated, and it showed. I really hope she did know how much I loved her. The visits when I could only talk to her through a closed window, I want to believe that she still knew who I was but I'm not sure. I do cling on to the fact that she had a gentle faith and she definitely told me 'I wish Jesus would just take me while I am asleep'. I have to make peace with that don't I?

My dad died 26 years ago, but recently I had a dream in which Dad collected me from my house and we drove into town. It was a happy feeling. Weird though when I woke up and remembered it. Our brains do funny things when we sleep - processing events. I think I'd been thinking about him because DIL's dad had died suddenly ( so all a bit traumatic) and the funeral was on what would've been my dad's birthday.
So all this is to say to you - don't worry about it. I think it's normal.

I don’t think you need to worry but if you think you’d benefit from talking to a counsellor about your mum’s death then it may be helpful. I’m sorry you and your mum went through that during Covid - it’s not surprising there’s a lot to come to terms with. I think people who suffered with not being able to say goodbye and grieve and go to funerals etc have held an awful lot inside and society has told everyone to just move on but our bodies and psyches still remember the pain and sufferIng.

I used to benefit from counselling at church. Its good to talk to advisers with experience.