Supporting grieving DH

[Comethefuckonbridget1]

MIL passed away earlier in the year, I won’t say details but it was towards the beginning of the year so approx 4 months ago. We’ve had a funeral and a family trip to scatter her ashes more recently.

Since this trip DH has been struggling, he isn’t overly emotional he just shuts down and is angry. The DCs are young but the eldest has found it really difficult and been quite emotional , the younger is less so but does know what’s happening and can sense the sadness.

im finding it really hard to balance keeping life moving, dealing with everyone’s grief and my own and trying not to take it personally when DH is so angry and closed off. We have hardly spoken because he just gets home from work and switches off - probably because at work he has to be ‘on’ so gets home and is drained - I totally get it - but it’s very difficult not to feel totally alone while I’m trying to help everyone and keep everything going.

on top of it all I miss her so much and have found my own grieving process is so hard to navigate.

not sure what I’m looking for for it’s just so shit and I don’t know what to do for the best and how best to support him when he won’t tell me when he’s struggling - I only know because he’s so obviously ‘off’.

so shit.

It is so shit for your DH and for you.
I suppose I was your DH in this situation losing my mam very suddenly. I was completely tormented and bereft for a long time.

One thing when you say it's been about 4 months. I found there were times eg at 6 months when it felt like it got worse. For us shock was wearing off but also they sheer weight of sadness and the realization of forever without my them would send me down into the pits of despair.

Also with regards my little one...I used to remind myself of a couple of things...that my mam would be sooo annoyed if I was to be as selfish as to allow myself be taken out by my grief and to hugely impact her life and also, be aware of the irony that I was so bereft as my mam was so great...so really had to try be strong so my loss of a great mam didn't ruin me being a mam. Easier as my little one was only 3 so really don't don't get what's going on. But the grief was so consuming it helped me to not just lie down and not get up again.

It's so so hard for you I'm sure. I wasn't very nice to be around. I was so angry and down and detached. I couldn't have music in the house which my husband loved as the noise was too much for my scrambled brain. I often wonder how he did it. He held the forth when I just couldn't. He just held on. We did have rows but I almost found it hard to take on any of his feelings as I was completely broken by the loss. But I suppose I tried and forced myself to sometimes really make the effort....and then if I needed to just go lie down I would.

But someone said to me who had lost both her parents....it sounds cliche...but it's just time. Not in the trite time is a healer sound bite ...but given the time, and with my little ones love and my DH to put me back together things bit by bit got brighter. You grab the + in any day.

It was further along time wise than you DH also but I did try to do things to help myself. I walked a lot in nature and it just helped enormously and gave me time to cry. Sometimes I'd allow myself only a set amount of time to pour into the sadness and then make myself focus away from it. And stopped having even a glass of wine which would help numb the pain...stopped for months on end as I knew it wasn't helping me, and making the poor job I was doing as a parent worse.

Sorry I've gone on. But I appreciate so much what my DH did for me now...I'm amazed at the love someone can have for you to just wait for you in the darkness. But it's like when people say...well nobody died. And in this case it's the worst case scenario as the person did die.
It must be so hard for all of you and my heart goes out to you all.

This is so hard. I lost my Dad very suddenly two years ago and it is only now that I realise how withdrawn I was. Everything just felt so grey. I would enjoy things, like after a few months I could take pleasure in time spent with friends. But it was always a bit blunted. It really is just time. It is still very raw for you all. I did find the 12 month mark was the start of the turning point. That’s not to say it was awful the whole time. But there were some really bad periods, and after a year those times became less bad, and less frequent.

What helped? Talking about him. I was terrified that he would be forgotten. But people didn’t want to mention him as I’d get upset. But I needed that a) to feel he wasn’t forgotten and b) so that over time it became normal to mention him and I can do it now with happiness at remembering him. My husband somehow realised this and just small things like “your Dad liked this book or “remember when we came here with your Dad and you dropped a glass”. Now this is routine and he is often mentioned.

I remember being drained. Not just tired. Emotionally exhausted. I really needed that downtime to process my grief.

My manager was amazing. Basically I was not as productive for 3-4 months and she just covered everything and cut me slack. This really gave me space. I think without that I would have coped way less well overall. So if he does not have that, then maybe considering speaking to a manager, or take time off if the GP will sign him off.

I was looking after my Mum too and dealing with her grief, and I think this prolonged my grief - like I didn’t have time or space to process how I was feeling as I had to focus on her.

Looking back I’m not sure how my husband coped with me. I don’t say that to scare you but just that I recognise how hard it must be, especially as you are missing her as well.

Wishing you all the best x

been through similar. God its shocking how hard grief hits you. please talk to your work and take some time off if you can. mine wasn't great to me and caused me to get worse. I higly recommend counselling. helped not only me and my husband but also my mother in law ( it was her husband that died) we went on a holiday about 9 months after it happened and we never moved from the hotel that's all we did. it was like we just collapsed from exhaustion. we came together as a family to celebrate the 1st Xmas without him. now a few years on we still miss him but we have learned to live with it. we got married ( we made a speech to him) he wouldn't have wanted us to stop living God he loved a party and any excuse for one was arranged. others have had babies and that has helped too as it shows life is still progressing. its not easy at all your allowed go cry. take each day as it comes don't stop talking about her you have many good memories of her. if you have a bad day that's OK tomorrow is another day

Would your DH consider connecting with a bereavement support service? They're specially trained to help those who are struggling with their feelings. I know that men in particular don't like speaking about feelings but it could help to talk to someone outside of the family. I'd definitely encourage such support for your child and I believe some counsellors do family sessions too.

If your MIL died in a hospice, they often have their own specialist teams who give ongoing support to families after a loss. I found them brilliant after my DH died.

Im sorry for your loss OP.

I'm a man & tbh I coped badly with it. Became quite an argumentative grumpy sod for a while, not helped by a relationship that was far from ideal beforehand, was a very odd time, I certainly wasn't myself for over a year. Blokes can cope v ineptly with this sort of thing.

Perhaps offer a "I think we would all benefit from talking to someone about how utterly devastated we all are" to him. So it doesn't seem as though you're pointing a finger at him, but looking at your family as a whole? It is such a tough time going through a loss. It is felt differently by everyone. I was just 15 when my dad passed away and my whole life turned upside down. I know how difficult it is to navigate others feelings and emotions while trying to grieve yourself. My mum tuned out, totally, and left me to pick up the pieces and care for my younger sibling. All I suggest is just be an ear, don't offer solutions or resolve l. He may just need to vent his anger/frustration without having any response. Meanwhile, find someone to talk to, that isn't your husband so he doesn't have to have that extra grief on his head.

It is all such a shitty situation, I hope that, one day, things won't feel so raw for you all. 😊

I am so sorry for you and your family's loss. The death of an in-law is difficult for all the reasons you have set out. First off - 4 months is no time. If you've not had a close bereavement before, you might have assumed that things would feel more "normal" after this amount of time. In my experience the first six months at least are shock, even if the death wasn't unexpected, traumatic or sudden.

At the moment you are all still in the survival phase of bereavement. We had a run of awful bereavements over the course of a few years and things I learned:

View it as a time of crisis management.
My priority was keeping a stable routine for children but massively cutting down on any demands on me and DH's time.
Take time off work if possible
Buy in any house management you can afford (at times I did takeaways, meal delivery services, laundry service washes etc)
Find a friend you can offload to
Consider counselling (him and you)

After a bit of time speak to your DH about how he'd like to remember his DM. E.g. we celebrate birthdays and have lots of photos around and talk about our loved ones.

Years later both me and DH can get affected with our grief. Try to be patient with it. It's also ok though to call out negative or destructive behaviour that is impacting your family.

I really appreciate your messages and I’m sorry to those who’ve experienced loss ❤️

I really can’t imagine how he’s feeling and I will continue to be there however he needs me, it’s just so hard knowing how he’s doing if he doesn’t tell me until he’s angry and we argue over something small. I have told him I’m not expecting an emotional outpouring every time he feels bad, just a heads up so I am aware and can support him, instead of second guessing and potentially making it worse.

yesterday was a bit better and we saw some close friends which was a nice ‘escape’ - it was him who invited them over so that’s good, like he’s d lifted his head above the wall for a bit, but after they left we both sort of just slumped. Sounds like it’s normal which is good to know.

whoever said 4 months is no time is totally right, perhaps we’re expecting to feel ok again and it’s sad when we still feel sad.

RE counselling I definitely will suggest it, we both have offerings through work we can utilise, so I’ll 100% pursue that.

Again, thank you all for your messages ❤️

Some family grief counselling might help.

Im so sorry for your loss.