When will I feel normal again?

[HappyMamma2023]

My lovely Dad died at the end of February aged 66. He had been ill for years and the past 6 months and last weeks on End of Life especially were hard for us all. Dad chose to stay at home and we saw a lot of him but sadly I wasn't there when he passed. My mum and brother were.
Its now 3 months later. I'm back at work and on the face of it seem fine. But I'm struggling. Feel sad a lot of the time. Cry for no reason. Lacking resilience. Brain fog. And very disorganised which isn't like me. I forgot an important deadline was today and had to rush the work through at dinner time, luckily I made the deadline by the skin of my teeth and it passed although not my usual standard.
I visit disabled and older people with work and it is hard meeting people with sinilar conditions. I had a difficult visit this week where the client's daughter was just rude and I was at a loss what to say, couldn't think of anything to stand up for myself.
When do you start to feel normal again? And what did you do to help?
I have friends but no one else has lost a parent yet and no one seems comfortable talking about it. My husband and I talk about Dad often as do Mum and I. But she often gets upset and don't want to trigger her. I'm 34 and feel to young to lose a parent so soon. Thank you

I’m sorry for your loss @HappyMamma2023its been 18 months since I lost my dad and I absolutely felt like you did at 3 months- that’s such a short period of time when you’re grieving someone so vital to you! I still miss my dad terribly but I’m definitely coping better, it still catches me deeply some days but it’s not all consuming like it used to be. Hang in there and be kind to yourself, you’ve got to work through the grief process wave by wave xx

Hi. Similar situation but a bit further down the road.

I don't think I will feel normal again but I am not expecting to really.

I regard this as 'the new normal'.

Routines help but in all honesty though some days it feels easier and I can accept it better, then a memory will come back or something will trigger me; a meal, a song, a smell, a joke, and then I'm upset once again.

It's a rollercoaster.

I can only say try to talk about only the good memories and keep his spirit alive by honouring him. Things like a special meal on significant dates.

Don't try to hide your feelings but I agree, people who haven't experience this themselves generally don't understand.

Sorry xxx

Thank you both for your replies. It's good to feel listened to xx

I’m so sorry for your loss.

I was also in my mid-30s when I lost my parents, and yes, it feels too young- I wasn’t ready (but I know no one is ever really ready). I was in a fog for quite some time- perhaps a year or more. My moods were quickly changeable; I was often angry/sad/lonely/confused/hopeless. I was resentful of my lovely husband sometimes because, although he did love my parents and grieved for them himself, he couldn’t really know what it was like to be me. That was a part of grief I really hated. My children were very little at the time too and I feel I missed chunks of their childhood through the fog. I thought I was going mad at times.

I did get back to some sort of normality eventually, although I will say I’m not quite the same person I was before (I’m eleven years on now).

Something else to be aware of is the potential for physical impacts of grief. I visited my GP more times in the two years following my bereavements, than I had in the ten years prior to that. I had digestive issues, heartburn, sinus problems, and other vague minor ailments. All of them were real- I wasn’t imagining them- but in retrospect I’m sure they were in part a manifestation of my grief. I felt my whole immune system was flagging. It is documented that stress (including grief) can impact our health, so I urge you to be gentle with yourself on an ongoing basis as you work your way through this.

It is such a tough and lonely road, but you will survive it. You’ll find a new normality and your life will begin to grow around your loss. Wishing you strength. 💐

I’ve attached an image which really resonated with me when I was in the thick of it, and still does.

I just noticed I used the word ‘work’ in my post- and I think it’s apt. Grief is work and it’s hard work. I felt very resentful about that sometimes when I woke up in the mornings and remembered where I was and how much energy was needed just to get through the day. I’d think ‘I wish I could call in sick- I don’t want this job anymore!’ Look after yourself and lean on your support system.

Aahhh......sending you love. It's awful this losing a parent, losing anyone is so hard.
Lean on others, keep talking, keep remembering, but you're only 3 months in, so be kind to yourself.
I lost my mum at a similar age. Very sudden. 30 years ago now.
Like a pp said, it's a long journey ahead but you will survive 💔

My mom died in September, and at 3 months, I was the same. I struggled to see the point in most things and it was always just under the surface waiting to escape as anger or pain. I'm a few months further on now, and overall I'm in a better place, although it still does hit you at times. I talk to her when I feel like it as if she were here which helps. Be kind to yourself, it's a tough period but you will get through it x

Very true. I don't know if it is hormones being upset too but I totally agree regarding the physical aspects of grief.

My GP said we often question our own existence and health when someone passes.

My GP said it's very common to feel like this and to question our own being.

There is a book by Thomas Harding called Kadian’s Story (I think) about his son. He talks about the first year following his son’s death and the phrase which resonated was that one learns to accommodate the loss. Nothing is ever quite the same, and how and when that accommodation happens is different for everyone. Be kind to yourself.

One other thing: you talked about not triggering your mum, but she will be sad, and thinking about your dad, whether you talk about him or not. I know I sometimes just needed other people to be ok with that, because tears and sadness are entirely appropriate when you lose someone you love.

I keep looking for 'signs' sent by my Dad. I think I just need to feel some sort of connection.

I often wonder if others think the same or received 'signs' from their loved ones?

I don’t believe in signs @HappyDaysAreAhead, however I do still smile when a white feather suddenly floats in front of me, or I see a robin or a grasshopper. I get a comfort from it even if I don’t really believe in it.

I lost my dad 20yrs ago in my mid 30's and my mum has just gone 2 weeks ago so I can see it from both sides. When Dad went it was expected and I was there at the time. Mum had been ill for quite some time but I thought we still had a bit more time with her.
She died alone very peacefully in her sleep a couple of weeks ago. When dad died mum did most of the admin but now she has gone it's my job. It's a full time job. I'm lucky as my work has a very generous bereavement policy so I am only going back after the funeral. It does get easier over time I promise. As a family we still talked about Dad often.
I struggle to eat when I'm stressed and I have been hospitalised in the past. I'm concentrating on eating as healthily as I can at the moment, shut down any work worries- I'll sort that when I go back- top boss who has been mega supportive.
Far too many takeaways this last couple of weeks though! have a hero DH who has taken on so many things I couldn't as well. I imagine what she would have said to me- she was a very dignified 'lady' all her life and so many of her friends have contacted me and said the most lovely things. It gets easier over time I promise- I have been through all the stages of grief. My DS was a tiny tot back when dad died it was him and lovely DH I kept on for.

@HappyDaysAreAhead I lost my Mum 6 months ago and always looked for signs but they never came so I've given up now!

Sorry for everyone that has lost someone, it's so very hard x

Thank you for the kind words and advice everyone. Whilst we were always a loving family we didn't say I love you very much and didn't talk a lot about our feelings. This mean I struggle to share my feelings and try to lock them away. Dad did tell us more near the end that he loved us which was lovely and sad at the same time. It's one of the reasons I make sure I tell my son and husband every day that I love them.

@HappyMamma2023 My mum had taken to saying love you to me in the last six months which we never did before. I knew she loved me and I loved her but we never said it out loud. Lovely and sad at the same time. I had a meeting with the celebrant who will speak at the funeral today and he was such a great guy wanting to know all about her I'm sure we will give her the best send off.

I recall waking up every morning during my bereavement, not unlike yours, wishing it was 6 months later.

It takes time. That’s what it needs. Distance. A day will come when you’ll realise you haven’t thought about your parent at all that day. Healing will have begun. They’ll visit your dreams for years, but not in a ‘they’re gone’ way.

So sorry.