Struggling with choices for funeral

[LetMeJustCheckMyCitrusPocket]

My mum died last week. Cant believe am writing those words, it all feels so unreal.

I'm 300 miles away and trying to organise her funeral and feeling overwhelmed.

I've hardly been to any funerals so have no points of reference.

I have no idea re which flower arrangements to choose, how many, what numbers to estimate for function afterwards, music, hymns, what to say.

The funeral will be in Scotland in a crematorium with a local minister.

I guess I'd just welcome any advice? Mum didn't want a lot of fuss but I want it to be nice, for her and for us, and appropriate.

Thanks in advance x

Firstly, I am so sorry for your loss.

Really the funeral is to you and her friends and family to remember her. Flowers I would keep simple. One family arrangement and donations to a charity she would have liked in lieu of flowers from guests.

At the crem you would usually have a song in entry, a song for the committal, and a song for departure. You could have more but remember you’ll be strictly on a clock. Your celebrant of choice should be able to help you with the practicalities.

I really recommend accepting help. Is anyone in your family able to step up and support. When my dad died my aunt was invaluable and I will always be grateful to her.

you can’t go wrong if what you choose is from your heart and with the memory of your mum in mind.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

The best place to start is actually with the funeral directors as they have so much experience in these things and are able to gently draw out what you want even if you're in a totally understandable fog. Before talking to them you could have a think about things like did your DM have any favourite hymns or songs? Favourite flowers? Next of kin often provides the large wreath for the coffin for eg, or it is from clsoe family. The minister will also be able to guide you about things such as length of service.

I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s a difficult time.

For a simple crem service you’d usually have three songs, a eulogy which you can write yourself or the celebrant can do for you, and maybe a reading or poem.

Most people choose flowers for the coffin and ask for charity donations from guests. Sometimes they have a couple of personal items alongside the coffin, to give a personal touch - eg their running shoes, or a photo of them.

The funeral director will be able to guide you.

I’m sorry for your loss.

The funeral director will talk you through it.

• flower arrangements to choose, I would go with one medium size, her favourite flowers or colours included. If not chose one you think your or her would like.
• , how many, what numbers to estimate for function afterwards, this was tricky. This was the kind of question I would have asked my Mum so we had to ask my MIL for advice. How many friends/family do you expect to attende
• music - you need 3 sounds for crem, did your Mum have a favorite song. There will be websites of choices or if you want hymns then ask the minsiter for recommendations
• You don’t need to say anything. The minister will ask you some questions to help them talk about your Mum
• Some people do a reading but many don’t.

Thanks everyone for replying. It's helped reading through your responses. Am still floundering but hopefully will get there in the end xx

I’m sorry for your loss. I lost my own mum earlier this year and had to organise the funeral, also in Scotland. It was utterly overwhelming.

For flowers, I would just go with what’s in season - keep it simple. If she had a favourite colour, then maybe with that as an accent, but white is always classic and beautiful.

Music, did your mum have a favourite artist? If not, the minister should be able to recommend some classical pieces that would work well.

I considered speaking myself but in the end I didn’t feel up to it. Don’t feel like you have to speak. My mum had been specific about not wanting funeral cars or pallbearers, I think people often just assume you ‘have’ to have certain things, but no. If you want to keep it simple, then you can certainly do so.

Our funeral director was incredible. Their job is to ‘undertake the burden’, and you’ll likely be paying a considerable amount to them, so use them and their experience as much as you can.

Lastly, ask for help. People will offer and they genuinely mean it. Delegate jobs if you can.

Just wanted to say I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my Mum on Easter Monday and it's my Mum's funeral in the morning. The funeral directors guided us through most of the arrangements. They came to our house and went through absolutely everything and had brochures of coffins, flowers, you name it. They even had options and brochures for the post funeral part, which was choosing a nice casket which will contain her ashes.
It was a very long meeting involving a tonne of questions, but it was worth letting them do the organising. My Mum died suddenly in her sleep so we were grateful to let someone else take the lead.

Funerals are hard but i find it gets you through the first few days of grief.

Have you got any family who can help you?

Make a list of what you need to do and organise
Then you can scrub them off the list as you do them

No matter what you decide your mum would be very proud of you

So sorry OP
The minister should be able to help you with the hymns and readings if you don’t know where to start.
As for flowers, often it’s one arrangement on behalf of close family.
Take care of yourself…

I'm so sorry, OP. I have been through this very recently myself. It's so very difficult.

I don't think there is a right or wrong way of doing a funeral. Just think about what you think your mum would have wanted and what might give some comfort to you and any other family members. Get advice from the funeral directors and the minister if you need it...remember that they have done loads of these before.

I'm sure that it will be a lovely celebration of your mum's life and that you will give her the perfect send-off.

Your post has reminded me that I had decided after planning my mum's funeral to leave some clear instructions for my dd so that she won't have to think about it. I need to get on with doing this now, so thank you for putting it back into my mind.

I'm so sorry, it does seem overwhelming but as others have said the funeral directors will help.
Can you write a short list :
Music to play when entering the chapel
Colour of flowers- we had one wreath from Mum, one from me and my sister and one from the grandchildren
Her favourite hymn
Music to exit the chapel- we had the theme tune of dad's favourite radio programme!
We chose the cheapest casket- dad would have been furious if we'd gone expensive
We had the Lords Prayer

Sorry if none of this is appropriate for you, but just some ideas.
Again , I'm so sorry for your loss xx

So sorry for your loss. I lost my dear DM in March and the funeral arrangements were overwhelming to me too. However, the funeral directors were amazing and provided so much guidance and support.

Mum was cremated and we went for lunch at a local pub where I put little vases of pink flowers and a picture of her on each table.

We chose some beautiful pink and white flowers and there were flowers from her sister, but otherwise we had donations to the hospice who looked after her. We chose a coffin in a light wood she would've liked with Harris Tweed lining.

My mum was Scottish but had lived in England majority of her life - we chose some pieces of lovely Scottish music and a hymn and bagpipe music for committal. The celebrant was lovely and did the eulogy, but I gave a tribute.

just take everything step by step. It's so hard I know.

Thank you so much everyone for all these lovely replies. They've really helped me try to get to grips with things.

I'm so worried about how I'll cope, or rather not, at the funeral. Just want to hold it together and not go to pieces.

It's a week ago today since mum died. Still doesn't feel real, but also in other ways this week feels more like a month. Such a strange limbo to be in.

Thanks all for your kindness x

I'm supposed to be the tougher one in my family but I went to pieces at my dad's funeral, my sister gave a lovely reading, I've no idea how she kept her composure.
Easy said but just let yourself be how you feel, if you see what I mean, don't try and be brave, no one expects you to xx

I've organised both my parents' funerals entirely alone.

If you aren't up to writing a eulogy, ask the minister to do it. They will want to meet you to get a few details, factual stuff, happy memories , funny anecdotes. Make sure it's accurate and navigate around any bear traps there might be. Most families have them.

Local florist for the flowers and ask that they be returned to you after the ceremony. Better than being left to rot at the crem and a comfort afterwards.

Be sure to specify which verses of hymns you would like otherwise they may print the whole thing and it can go on for an eternity.

I had two pieces of music, one in, ( ave verum corpus) one out. ( the In Paradisum from Faure's Requiem ) I prefer not to see the coffin disappear so nothing needed for that.

Our family is very traditional so no sentimental poems or readings other than from the Bible, but of course that depends on preference.

When you do the ring round, ask people to confirm whether they will be coming. Most people are good about that and it will give you an idea of catering numbers.

I ended up with too much food but people were grateful to have it boxed up to take away. Especially for those travelling a distance. Saves on waste too.

It's a melancholy duty and I am sorry you are dealing with it OP.

Sorry that chopped off my last sentence. It's a melancholy duty and I am sorry you are dealing with it. Go to your GP for something to deal with the anxiety. Propranolol worked well for me. All the best x

More good advice, thank you for replying. I think I'll need to investigate propranolol, anything's worth a try.

Coming back on here to say thank you again to everyone who took the time to reply to my original post. Your responses really helped me so much and make me feel understood and supported, from your own experiences of such sad times xx

So sorry for your loss . You have already had some great advice and I hope the funeral director will keep you right .
I was at a relatives funeral recently and I know the funeral director was great at suggesting venues for the funeral tea etc .Then the venue should give you an idea and choice of menus .
The funeral I was at was also in a crematorium and the minister did a great job of recounting the person’s life . If you can jot down some points and info for them .
I think what is poignant is to make it as personal as possible . Favourite hymns ,songs of your mother , favourite flowers .
There was a reading as well and it wasn’t a close relative who read it out and it tied into the place where the person was born . There was also a slide show , shown throughout of the family and lovely photos . It wasn’t obtrusive but just in the background and started showing whikst we waited for the service to start .
As others have said reach out to other family members and give them tasks to do . Do you have any family members that are local to where you mum lived and they could give practical advice about venues .
Perhaps just my family , but we are notorious for having a poor sense of direction . So it is a good idea to have the funeral tea venue close to the crematorium and also to consider parking .Even so there were still a few that got lost and I also got lost trying to get to the hotel .
Take care .

@LetMeJustCheckMyCitrusPocket . Well done. I've been thinking about you and wondering how things were going.

@imfae thank you for taking the time to post your lovely message, so kind.

@Words thank you so much for thinking of me, for your care and kindness x