Struggling with everything pre funeral

[Littlemiss74]

Hi I’m in need of somewhere to turn tonight as feeling very down. My Dad’s funeral is on Friday.

I’m the youngest of 4 & despite offering, I feel like I haven’t really had much of a part to play in the arrangements, my Mum seems to go to my older sister & brother more.

My brother is going to read something about my Dad at the service and we have all sent him our bits to include.
Tonight we went to my Mum’s and she said she liked most of the tributes apart from a couple of bits & then said it was my words she didnt like. She then said ‘I thought you were going to say something nice’.😢

I was speechless. I had told one funny story about a time with my Dad & the rest of it was just heartwarming memories and words. She clearly didn’t like my funny story, fair enough, but to imply I didn’t say anything nice has left me shocked and beyond upset. I loved my Dad more than words could ever say.
She said this in front of everyone & I feel embarrassed, stupid and hurt. I don’t know what to do but can’t sleep now.

My mum is somewhat of a control freak & the whole funeral feels like it’s being stage managed. I just feel so awful about the whole thing😢
Any advice gratefully received please.

I’m sorry for your loss. Bereavement tends to be a time when things get said that shouldn’t be said. My mum also really hurt me with something she “accused” me of when my dad was dying but I know my intentions and true feelings. You could, at a quiet time, say to your mum how hurt you were about what she said and that you’d like to honour your dad in your way but be prepared for your mum to double down on it because she probably won’t like to be in the wrong. Funerals can be full of compromises because everyone in a family experiences the family member slightly differently.
You know your intentions were good. Your mum was wrong to say what she said. It may be you cannot honour your dad in the way you would like at the funeral because of your mums control but can you do something privately that feels more fitting to mark you and your dad’s relationship?

When my Fil died, my MiL who had been married to him for over 60 years fell to pieces. My DH went up to stay with her for 10 days he took off from work and helped her with picking funeral director, selecting coffin and outfit for his Dad to wear, organising food for afterwards, letting people know, notice on paper, funeral cars and basically everything. He asked his younger brother if could pick music as both he and his Dad had liked country music. Brother said no he was too upset to help. I had to listen to loads of old country music I told I found a couple of songs that I thought would be suitable. MiL said she had no idea and couldn't stop crying. Day of funeral came, relatives arrived ahead of funeral car which brought his coffin to his house and mil was to follow next car. Out of the blue mil finally stopped crying and started telling everyone her younger DS had helped her so much. DH was flabbergasted. His younger brother had not even taken 1 day off from work to help. DH said nothing but I know he was really pissed off. He didn't do it for praise just to help his Mum but I could see he was chocked when his Mum kept praising his younger brother, who sat there lapping up the praise. A couple of his uncles even commented DH should have helped his brother more but living so far away supposed I had somehow prevented him from going to help his Mum. Up until this point his Mum had been normal. Grief makes people do strange things.

Full sympathy to you. Grief is a crazy time. The first days move at high speed and best intentions are crushed by external timelines. When my DH died, it took weeks for a registrar's appointment to be available in my well-known, Cathedral city. This delayed everything. So I had a few weeks of people chiding me that their arrangements for person's YY had been completed in ... I did not need that .

What a horrible thing for your mother to say about your memories. How disappointing that your siblings are not making more effort to include you. They will all know that her hurtful comments are not true.

At these times, due to grief, often the most important people are not able to be as caring as they should be. Often the procedings move at high speed, driven by outside forces like the registrar's office and the parish priest's availability. Your mother may feel incredible pressure that she cannot articulate.

You sound like a lovely daughter and a credit to the family. Continue to connect with your siblings.