I miss my mum

[ABigBarofChocolate]

My mum died 10 years ago. She had a brain tumour. She had been getting bad headaches for months but the doctors thought it was vertigo. She then was in a car accident and when they did a full body scan, they found out she had the tumour as well as cancer in other places. She died 6 months after her diagnosis.

It was heartbreaking and it completely changed me as a person. I still feel really numb at times. In disbelief that she's gone. I'm a lot more emotional. I cry at anything.

I've been having a hard time lately. Just overwhelmed with all the bad luck happening at once. I have siblings but since our mum died, we've become distant. I feel like the only person who understood me or could make me feel better was my mum and it hurts so much that I can't have a conversation with her.

Sometimes I feel like others judge me for still falling apart about this since it's been 10 years. We were really close though. I saw her most days. I personally feel like there is no time limit on grief but I do understand that others feel differently.

Does anyone else have these feeling after all this time?

I'm sorry that you are feeling this way. I lost my mum nearly 3 years ago and I miss her everyday. She too, was my best friend.

I don't think there is any limit on grief, I read somewhere that it's a price we have to pay for love! I also lost my dad 15 years ago, and the only advice I can give, would to just ride your emotions, don't try to supress them! I have days where I cannot stop crying, days i cannot believe that they are both gone! This year I promised myself that this is going to be my year, I've made my self join the gym, date and have fun.... It's helped me massively, knowing it's what they would want me to be doing!

Sending a hug xx

I do.

I lost my Mum suddenly during covid (but not of covid) I had only been talking to her on Facetime the day before and her appointment for her covid jab had come through. She was so happy because she knew it wouldn't be long before we could all be together again properly and she could see the light at the end of the tunnel and that the World was in recovery. She was so excited. I will never forget that last call and how hopeful and happy she was. The following day she collapsed and died.

Her death destroyed me. We were so so close. She was my rock, my biggest supporter and I felt like my whole world had been turned upside down.

It took me a long time to come to terms with, and process her death. I will never ever get over it fully and there are times now that I still cry and long for her. So much has happened since she died that she has missed and there are so many times I ache for her and long to talk to her about what is going on in our lives.

So I totally understand some of what you feel.

However, I have, with bereavement counselling, been able to reframe my thinking and I just feel utterly truly grateful beyond belief that I had her as my Mum. Many people don't get to be as lucky as me to have a mum so wonderful. And many others lose their mums when they are just children or young adults. So I feel truly blessed and I can now think of her and feel happy and not cry all the time. I do still miss her, but I think that when you love someone so deeply, there will always be a part of you that will miss them. ❤

I lost my Dad early this year too so now have neither of my parents alive and sometimes it doesn't feel real that they are both gone.

Thank you for sharing. I'm sorry for your loss 😔

I'm so sorry for your loss 😔 it must have been so difficult during lockdown. I'm glad my mum wasn't here to see that. Love to you x

I don’t judge you.
I am the same with my beloved gran. She died 2 years ago and nothing had bene the same since. I miss her and being happy so much.
Lot of support and hugs OP

Thank you. She had one of those shit socially distanced funerals where only half a dozen people were allowed, no wake. I remember feeling so sad and angry for her. She didn't even get the send off she deserved.

Its so hard though isn't it? Our Mums are just our world and the one person who loves us no matter what. When you lose her you lose that security and love that only she could give. I feel more vulnerable now I don't have her 'in my corner'.

I am so sorry that you feel like this. I try so hard to live the kind of life I know my Mum would want. I always think what she would say to me if she could see me being sad. I know all she ever wanted for me was to be happy. So I try hard to be, just for her.

Love to you too x

So sorry to hear you are struggling. Have you tried counselling? I have heard it does help, though I didn't have any after my parents' deaths so I don't know much about it. The best advice I was given when I was grieving was that the pain doesn't every completely go away, but life grows around the pain like a cushion softening it. Eventually, there's so much life padding in the cushion that you don't feel the pain at all. My approach was to get on with life and build that cushion but it sounds like your cushion hasn't built up its padding. Counselling might help you set you up for better cushion stuffing too.

I lost my mum a month ago. It was very quick and sudden, I am completely in disbelief she has gone

Thank you. Love to you too. I'm sorry for your loss 😔

I lost my dad very suddenly in February. He was my best friend and we spent so much time together. I miss him so much and there’s so much I’d like to talk to him about. Sometimes it doesn’t even feel real. Some days are just get through and some days are just awful. Sending love to everyone facing loss and grieving. It’s so hard.

It’s a little over two months since my lovely mum died very suddenly. Right now, I don’t feel like I’ll ever really get over it. I’m tortured by not knowing that I would never see her again, not realising it was our last conversation etc. I still try and phone her all the time. I have a great husband and plenty of friends and am well supported, but I feel so lonely. Your thread title really jumped out at me today ❤️

Sometimes people who've not been through the same things do judge - even though they're not remotely qualified to do so. You experienced a traumatic loss that many people will never understand. That can be very isolating and lonely, which makes it even harder to process the grief and heal.

It's been twenty years since my mum died from cancer. Like you, it changed me and I can relate to much of what you've described. When I have had really difficult times in my own life since she died, I have really struggled with not having my mum to turn to for support when other people my age in that situation would have their mums with them. The wound of grief can reopen at times like that, it's natural. Grief is not something you ever "complete". It ebbs and flows.

You do sound a little bit stuck in your grief in terms of the prolonged intensity of your pain, perhaps because it was a traumatic loss? I don't think you get over or move on from losing your mum, but it is something you can gradually learn to carry more easily. It's never too late to seek grief counselling or trauma therapy. And if you find that it releases some of your pain, you know that doesn't mean you love your mum any less, right?

I had trauma therapy about 15 years after my mum died and it did help me to feel a bit less stuck. It helped me feel I could carry her with me (without feeling ashamed for "failing to move on") and reinforced that we still have a relationship even though she's not here anymore - I can revisit my memories and conversations, I can use her advice, I can ask myself how she might respond to a situation. And most of all, having her in my life has shaped who I am and how I see the world, which means she is always part of my life.

That gave me a lot of peace and lifted some of the shame I felt from people judging me because they didn't understand. The judgement I've experienced has always been from people who haven't experienced what I did, and usually people whose mums were still alive. I don't place any weight on it anymore, they're not qualified to judge.

I am sorry you're hurting so much and that you lost your lovely mum. It's very unfair. I don't judge you and there are plenty of people who do understand.

It’s a month and a half since my mum died. I have hardly told anyone. I’m not sure why. I think I don’t want to make it real

Love and best wishes to everyone on this thread grieving.

I'm sorry for your loss 😔 love and hugs to you xx

I also have a great supportive husband and kids but sometimes the loneliness is unreal. I was with my mum when she died but I'm not sure if that's a good thing. Seeing her take her last breath was an image I'll never forget. ❤️

Thank you. I haven't gone to therapy because I have anxiety about stupid things like going to new places and seeing health professionals. It's hard. The stress of going to see them or talking to them on a phone would be worse in my opinion. Luckily my husband is great for venting to. Love to you x

I'm so sorry for your loss, it's like no other I think, when you have a close relationship with your mum and suddenly she's not there. It's breathtakingly painful. I'm a year down the journey, having lost my beloved mum in June 24, 6 weeks after being diagnosed with a brain tumour. She was 77, super healthy, had been feeling tired and nauseous but nothing more. It was only when a GP suggested she was checked out at hospital and I asked the consultant for a brain scan that they found a 7cm tumour at the base of her brain. There were no treatment options, so we brought her home and cared for her with support for 6 weeks. It's still a blur, it doesn't feel real, I'm bereft. It was brutal and I've blocked a lot of it out. I know I should possibly seek support but I haven't gone there yet. Not sure why. Fear I think.
Yet ife goes on. I focus on keeping busy with work and family and friends, supporting my beloved Dad and trying to live in her glow. She was fabulous. I have an amazing DH, older DCs , brother & sister in law and friends which I'm beyond grateful for. But god, I miss her, it hurts.

So sorry for your loss OP.

My mum died nearly 7 years ago (it hardly seems possible she's been gone for so long!). I still miss her deeply. We were very close. She was diagnosed with a difficult to treat cancer at 60 and she died two years of fighting, right to the last.

I went to the wedding of her goddaughter this weekend. It was a beautiful day but I couldn't help think 'Mum should be here'.

I don't dwell on her loss everyday and now have a beautiful DD of my own. But there are times were I feel her loss deeply - the weeks before her birthday and 'death day' I always feel low, I can't help it. Special occasions and pregnancy I also find difficult.

I think if it's effecting your everyday enjoyment of life, bereavement counselling might be worth considering.

I try to live everyday to it's best, even the rubbish ones but also give myself space to grieve when I need it. I know that's what mum would have wanted.

I just want you to know you are not alone and today I'm missing mine hugely. I don't think I'll ever stop missing her but as previous posters have said I try to be thankful for the time we had and appreciate that deep loss is because of deep love.

Look after yourself OP - give yourself the same compassion your mother would have given you.