Hi op, I've wanted to make a post myself about my Mum dying nearly 3wks ago on 7/4, but haven't as it'd be outing. Instead I've been reading these boards looking for advice that could fit me. I could feel some similarities between our recent bereavements and want to share my story, if thats ok.
Mum had been in hospital 10 days, originally for a chest infection but then developed pneumonia. We were called to the hospital at 2am 48hrs before she died and she was unconscious and breathing fast, think they thought she was going that night. As it happened, they medication they were treating her with started working and she woke up seemingly much better around 7am the Saturday morning. I was still there at her bedside, stayed for a few more hours until swapping with my sister who stayed until I came back in the evening with my oldest daughter. We had a normal visit between 6-8pm where Mum seemed well, totally 'with it', laughing joking and pleased to see us. Just a little dazed and confused about what had gone on the night before. We said goodnight at 8pm, told mum I'd see her the next day for the 2-4pm visit.
Sunday, my sister and I arrived at the hospital in the afternoon to find all the Dr's around Mum very concerned, they were about to call us in. Mum was conscious but breathing fast, very confused and back to being clearly very unwell. The Dr's quickly took us aside to say she'd taken a turn for the worst and that nothing they did seemed to be working anymore and lots of things in her bloods were sky-high and that was when they could get access. All her veins were collapsing, she was absolutely covered in bruises and plasters all over her arms and legs where they'd tried to get blood out and fluids/medication in. They were still trying though but they warned us that it wasn't looking good.
Those next hours seemed to fly by but Mum deteriorated quite quickly after that, it feels like only an hour or so but in reality it was about 9pm when we were again taken aside and told they definitely thought Mum was 'nearing the end of her life'. They were going to move her to a private room where we could stay with her 24hrs, stop 'poking and prodding her' and move her to palliative care. By that time the confusion was worse and mum was also getting irritated with it all but barely conscious. They gave Mum some sedation and she seemingly went to sleep. About 2am the other family members had to leave to go and take meds etc. The hospital got me a camp bed which I laid on mainly to just rest my neck, I wasn't planning on falling asleep. I kissed Mum goodnight and told her I was right next to her. Mum was still asleep (unconscious), hadn't moved in hours, her breathing was very fast and I remember as I was lying there that she was taking about 5 breaths to my 1, and that was all I could hear in that semi dark room at 4am, they'd stopped all the machines and observations by then, Mum just had oxygen under her nose. I remember my breathing kept trying to match mum's subconsciously and I was thinking how she'd been like that more than 12 hrs and wondering how her heart was still going. I put on Netflix on my phone to have some sound other than Mum's breathing. Last looked at the time on my screen at 4am.
I dozed off, woke up at 5.20am and my 1st thought was 'Omg I can't hear her breathing anymore, she's gone', this was before I even opened my eyes. It was just silence, and Netflix was asking if I was still watching. Opened my eyes looked at the time and then up to Mum on her bed, as I'd been lying facing her. She was still in the same position, I watched for a few moments to see if her chest was rising, it was mostly dark but I could see her silhouette against the window, but it wasn't. I knew she'd died but that it couldn't have been long ago. I got up, turned on the light and went to Mum. She looked exactly the same just still. I called her name and touched her forehead, she was still warm. I ran out into the pitch black hospital corridor and couldn't see anyone, so just called out "I think my Mum has died!!" Suddenly 4 nurses came running from different directions and went to Mum. They called her name, shook her shoulders and took her pulse. She'd gone. But here's 1 thing I keep rethinking, they turned to me and I asked "has she gone?" They said 'yes, sorry. We need to get a Dr to confirm it.' They never said the words 'she has died/is dead'. I don't know why but this keeps getting me that they only answered my question "has she gone?" by replying 'yes'. No-one said what I now know I needed to hear (for some STUPID reason) the statement- I'm sorry, your mother has died/is dead/has passed away.
The 4 nurses then told me they have a way of paying their respects 'if I didn't mind'. Mum had been in an Older People's ward in hospital. 1 each stood by mums shoulders and feet, bowed their heads and stood silently for about 30 seconds. I just stood stunned silently crying. They left the room saying they'd call the Dr. It was 5.25am then as I was left alone with mum while I sat on the campbed to make all the calls notifying people. Mum didn't look dead but I knew it wouldn't be like that for long from posts I've seen here. The Dr came at 6am. By that time I'd been up and spoken to Mum several times as well as held her hands and touched her face. She still looked like Mum. I was glad I wasn't in there long though. The Dr checked her, and again, as she turned to me I asked 'has she gone?' The Dr said yes, I'm sorry. I said I'd only realised something was wrong when I couldn't hear her breathing anymore, but when I looked at her she looked normal and felt warm. The Dr told me it'd been within the last hour. I now wonder it if was Mum taking her last breaths that woke me although I can't remember hearing it.
I left quickly, after I kissed Mum's forehead one last time and told her I loved her and will miss her forever. By then the surface of her forehead felt slightly cooler but you could still feel warmth within...
I can't believe she waited until I fell asleep which I did not mean to do. But people have told me so many stories of that happening with their loved ones. My Auntie travelled back from Australia and sat at her Mum's bedside for 3 weeks before she died as my Auntie had nipped to the loo. A nurse told me she knows of many occasions where someone has died as soon as their loved ones leave or sleep. She believes it's them saving their family the trauma of witnessing their last breaths. I don't know if any of that is true I just hope Mum knew I was there.
Even 3 weeks on I keep wanting to phone the ward to ask 'are you sure??' Even though we've planned Mum's funeral, got her death certificate and started emptying her home. I'm having real issues with not hearing "she has died", but I know it's stupid.
I do take comfort in knowing we had all been to say goodbye to Mum and that we'd had some inclination it'd been coming. And she wasn't alone, whether she knew that or not. It'd have been much worse if she died suddenly at home alone and the possibility that no-one would've immediately known or found her. We'd all told her we loved her. Your Dad knew you all loved him too.
I'm really sorry I blurted out all that, I just felt the need to commiserate. It'll be 3 weeks tomorrow and still doesn't feel real...
I'm sending you empathetic hugs xx