Anyone there? I'm having a wobble at 3rd anniversary

[cafenoirbiscuit]

My lovely mum collapsed and died unexpectedly 3 years ago next week. She'd been with me for Easter and I didn't realise I'd never see her again. I loved her so much and I can't stop crying today. I'm an only child, and have no relationship with my dad, who's behaviour was questionable at best but deteriorated after she died and he became very abusive. Everyone seems to have siblings and parents over for Easter and I feel very alone, even though I have a husband and adult children, but I can't expect them to keep shoring me up. I'd be grateful for any words of wisdom on this dark day.

So sorry about your mum. Can you tell us about her? I find talking about my dad sometimes helps.

grief is a funny thing and it comes and goes. I never thought I’d be an anniversary type of grieved, but I am. In fact the whole month leading up to my dad's anniversary was hard.

Be kind to yourself.

I’m so sorry. Any bereavement is awful but a sudden one is particularly shocking. I do think it takes years to come to terms with it, you can’t believe someone was fine one minute then gone the next.
No words of wisdom other than be kind to yourself. It’s a huge shock and totally normal to struggle. I’d expect people to support you, there’s no time limit on grief so don’t feel guilty.

My dad died at Easter time. It adds an extra stab of mourning as there is the date of death and the moveable feast of Easter to deal with. It's only been three years for you and it may be that the shock of the sudden death has given way to the grief of knowing she won't come back. I hope your family will understand your grief and support you in it. And maybe also feeling some of the same things and not wanting to burden you. (((hugs))) cos it's hard.

She was the kindest and nicest lady. I wish I was half the person she was. She was always so delighted to hear from me and I miss just being able to phone her up and tell her nonsense about my day. She's left a huge hole for me, and I sometimes wonder if I'll ever feel ok again.

Tell her your nonsense now , just let it out and tell her how you’re feeling. It’s my dad I’m missing here and it always hits during special weekends must be worse when it’s close to anniversary for you.

Thanks everyone. I still have her ashes here (not ready to let go of them yet) and on Mothering Sunday I took her up the garden and had a cup of tea with her. DD is in a relationship with a very difficult and aggressive partner, and she returned to him at Christmas and cut contact with us, so mothering sunday was very very hard for me. I wish I had her here to guide me. I'm a bag of worry and anxiety, and some days are harder to bear than others.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can resonate completely. I lost my Mum suddenly a few years ago and my life has honestly never been the same. She hadn't even been poorly and we had no warning. One minute she was fine and then the next she wasn't. The shock was brutal and it took me a long time for my brain to process she was gone forever. I miss her still so much that it physically hurts and there have been so many things happen in my life and so many things her grandchildren have done that I would love to tell her about. I long to call her and speak to her again but I know I can't.

But her death has changed me. I don't think I will ever be the person that I was before she died again. That person has gone. Because that person felt overwhelming unconditional love from her Mother, and that feeling of being secure, that only her Mother could give. So I am left with a massive hole in my life where she once was. Its sad and I don't think there will ever be a time when its not sad.

But for the majority of the time now I can laugh, smile and think of her and be damned grateful that I was one of the lucky ones that had a Mother like mine. Many people don't get that. So I feel truly blessed that she was mine.

But I still get wobbles, and I think I always will.

I have no advice, I just wanted you to know that I understand how you feel. 💔

And actually I am glad that she had the death she had - she would have hated to need help with anything and it seems that she knew nothing about her collapse - I suspect she was gone before she hit the floor but she sustained a brain injury when she collapsed and the post mortem could give us no answer about why she collapsed in the first place. So, great for her and absolutely what she would have chosen, and I'm grateful for that at least.
But for me it's been difficult to process.

And for those around me, I'm conscious that this isnt new news. Shouldn't I be over it by now? Because Im so not.

And on many of the days I just can't wait for my life to be over and for me to be with her.
At least I'm not scared of dying any more - that's the bonus

I don't think I will ever get over my Mums death. To be honest I am not sure I want to. But for the most part I have learned to live with it but I guess its because I have a full life. A lovely DH, two amazing adult DD's and two lovely dogs and they make me want to be here and they make me want to experience and live a full life.

I often also think about what my Mum would want for me? She loved me deeply and I think if she could see me sat around being sad then that would make her sad. So I try to live a happy life because I know its what she would have wanted for me.

I'm so sorry for your loss @cafenoirbiscuit it's very hard isn't it. I lost my Mum 6 months ago now and it scares me how fast life goes on without her. I too try and live a happy life as that's what she would have wanted but I also miss the conversations and just her being there, just sitting together having a cup of tea and her always willing to listen to me moaning about my kids 😂

I hear you @cafenoirbiscuit I feel like this often. It comes and goes but when it comes it comes hard.

If it makes you feel better to think someone is a worse position than you, I feel like that but don't have any children or a partner so I am much more alone. I have no one and no love to give or receive so it feels so dark for me.

Try to take comfort from the fact that you have children so your wonderful mother lives on in them.

I can't say I have much helpful to say except I feel the same, I often feel like I want to die and there is no point, it comes and goes but the only way round it is is through. As long as it wasn't slow or painful, I wouldn't care if I died right now this second so you aren't alone in how you feel.

Someone on here suggested to read that book Journey of Souls by Michael Newton which I dont really believe but if I am feeling very low the thought there could be anything in it gives me an iota of comfort.

I'm so sorry ❤️ I just wanted to say that I found the third anniversary the hardest in a lot of ways. It does get better. I lost my Mum five years ago this year and it feels less raw. The anniversary genuinely felt like more of a celebration of her this year. I don't exactly talk to her, but I often think about what she would say or do in a given situation and I find that helps a bit.

Please try not to assume others are thinking you should be dealing with it differently or more quickly - I don't feel like that about friends who have lost people. Those that have also lost someone will know how much grief it leaves. Everyone deals with things differently. For some people therapy or medication can help tide you over through the worst of it. For others that doesn't feel right.

It's understandable you're particularly struggling this year given your experience with your daughter. Please do reach out for help if you have someone you can talk to (or seek a referral for NHS therapy if you don't) - it's a lot to deal with by yourself.

You're not alone 💐

I just wanted to send you a hug. Loosing a parent, or anyone, suddenly is such a shock. Grief and grieving are not linear, they are cyclical and what you are experiencing is normal but hard.

I may tear up but talking with people about my parent and laughing about the good times I find healing.

Hello OP , I don’t have any words of comfort but I understand what you are going through , my Mum died 3 years ago in February. I too am an only child with a no contact father. I have a husband and two small children . I have cried every day since she died. My mum had a long term illness but she died on her own. She was only 61.

I know how lonely you feel . Your connection to your past to who you were before you were a wife and Mother is gone . it’s a terrible wrench , people with siblings don’t really understand , planning a funeral on your own a spouse can’t really share the burden no matter how sympathetic they are. Take care .