How to get through funeral

[Fightingdragonswithyou]

DM's funeral is on Tuesday, how the hell do I get through it?!

The thought of it is filling me with dread and anxiety, I don't want to fall apart but feel I will.

Any tips to cope?

I’m sorry for your loss

First thing to say is that no-one will think badly of you if you do fall apart. Everyone will understand and will be sympathetic.

Second thing is, you will feel better once it’s done, I promise you. (Having been through it three times now, with DM, DF and DB).

I am so sorry for your loss
I imagine most people get through it in a bit of a daze and with lots of support.

I can't quite put into words how I managed to get through a siblings funeral. I can remember it but can't quite articulate how I managed. Sorry.

I hope you have some really good friends and family to support you? X

It's okay to cry all the way through the funeral of a near relative: nobody who has an ounce of humanity will judge you for doing so.

You might find, as I did, that once the actual funeral is over, so much relief kicks in that the wake is very manageable.

It’s fine to be very sad OP. Please try not to worry. Easier said than done I know.

The wake part will come as a relief and will be easier I think.

My mum's was a couple of months ago and I like a pp I think I was in a bit of a daze. Bit like I was sitting in a bubble and it was all a bit unreal.

I did shed a few tears at family members words but no more than before or even now when the grief hits.

Hope it all goes as well as it can, don't be worried about falling apart, if you can't at a funeral when can you 💐

Funerals are for falling apart. Crying helps release some of the stress from your body.

Thank you for asking this @Fightingdragonswithyou. My DM has dementia and I keep wondering what on earth I would do if I had to go to her funeral. I have no idea how that even works.

I'm very sorry for your loss. I've been to two funerals of close relatives in recent years and both times got some Valium from the doctor - just a low dose - to help me get through it.

All the PPs have said. Time for mourning. My best tip is to look after yourself: take paracetamol, water and tissues with you. Let yourself cry as you need and take care of yourself as you do it.

I found it goes easier than you expect due to distractions of family not seen for a long time and just organising everyone. Though to be honest I can’t remember how I felt during it, which is odd as I can remember thoughts and feelings I had at other funerals.

I know how you feel - my DM's funeral is on Thursday and am speaking and terrified. I'm hoping I can do it.

I think we have to do our best and remember those around us are friends and family who want to support us.

Sending you strength for tomorrow, OP. It will be so hard, but I'm sure you will do your DM proud. Then be kind to yourself afterwards and give yourself some space to grieve, that is what I'm going to do. It seems so surreal, doesn't it

Having recently been through it I found you are stronger than you think. You will get through it, like others said the support from others and seeing family members etc helps. It felt quite surreal and public so give yourself time afterwards just to do nothing and try to process it all privately.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I found when I lost my dad that the day before and morning of the funeral to be the most difficult part, very emotional but it’s ok to cry and feel that pain, as hard as that is. I found once the formal part of the funeral was over, and then moved onto the wake, I could finally breathe.
Sending love, I hope it goes as well as possible ♥️

For me it was better than I thought. I pretended I was watching a TV programme. It was almost quite detached

My DM has dementia too, and I give a lot of thought to how I will feel when she dies. It will be a mixture of grief and relief, I think, grief because she has been a great DM but relief because she has no real quality of life. I think the thing with dementia is that you lose a bit of them at regular points up until their body finally gives out - DM lost her ability to look after herself, walk, talk, read, watch tv, is doubly incontinent, and no longer recognises family members, other than my sisters and I.
All the years of caring and worrying are a hell of a strain to be under and one day suddenly all of that will be gone, along with her, but in essence we’ve already lost our DM.
I don’t really remember how I felt at my DF’s funeral many years ago, other than a sense of needing to stay strong to support DM.
Anyway, apologies for going off at a tangent and sincere sympathies to Op and everyone else on here who has lost a loved one. Look after yourselves.

The worst part by far was getting out the funeral car to all the people waiting for you. You can see out at them all but they can’t see in. So prepare for that . That broke me a little… but I managed by trying to play host as much as possible . Saying hello to people before they came up to me. I had a little walk on my own around the flowers for a few minutes just to breathe. Do whatever you need and don’t feel pressure. Big hugs xx

I actually found my mum's funeral very comforting. I did absolutely fall apart in places, and I broke down during the eulogy, but it didn't matter. It was a beautiful service and I felt that we gave her a send off that she would have liked.

Plus it was so much work to organise, I was just relieved that it had all gone to plan.

You'll get through it. It's part of life.

How did you get on today OP? I hope it went ok and as you hoped.

Helpful 🙄

Thank you for asking and thank you to all who left lovely tips and comments.

It went really well, it was obviously hard and felt like I was looking down on it in parts but it was a lovely celebration of her life.
A simple service followed by food, tea and lots of sharing of memories and laughter.

@Fightingdragonswithyou Oh thats good- memories and laughter that's wonderful. I imagine its a relief too.

My DM's funeral is tomorrow I feel a sort of calm tinged with dread and hoping I can get through my tribute. My DM was so brave at the end of her life I owe it to her to be brave too. Will be glad when its this time tomorrow.

I hope all goes well for you tomorrow.

I found having some time alone in her beloved garden helped just before we left. I had a chat with her and asked her to give me strength to get through it, then watched the birds and the lovely flowers.
Seeing the coffin, then leaving the coffin was the hardest part, that felt so surreal I'm not going to lie.

I hope you've got lots of support around you.

Yesterday 's funeral went well and I found it comforting and I managed to hold it together for my tribute. DM was a wonderful mum and I was blessed. Her friend who she'd known over 70 years brought some photos of her I hadnt seen before so that was lovely. My DF held up so well too.

Just have to take each day as it comes now and look after my DF.