All the what ifs are hitting me today

[atiaofthejulii]

My boyfriend (serious committed relationship of 2+ years, long distance due to family but with plans) died a month ago from his alcoholism - I didn't even know he had a drinking problem. Funeral was Monday and I felt a bit better yesterday, bit today I can't stop thinking about all the odd little things I saw, and why didn't I push more to find out what was wrong? Why didn't I do something?

huge sympathy to you, that’s such a heartbreaking situation. Logically I’m sure you know that you didn’t do anything wrong, there was probably not one thing you could have done even if you had found out. Our brains just like to trick us into thinking things are partially our fault.
grief and bereavement are so hard. We have had a family loss recently and it feels like we’re living in a parallel universe in a way, like in the real world my father in law is still alive and we’re going to see him on Saturday. It keeps being a shock even though it’s not like we’ve forgotten, if you know what I mean.
no grief is ever simple but yours is probably mixed up with hurt and confusion at the fact that he kept this from you and the guilt you mention and it’s all loads to process. Let yourself feel your feelings, talk about them to someone you love and then make yourself get up and do something (make some soup, take a walk, you know the drill). Rinse and repeat until one day it’s a bit easier than it was before. 💐

I’m so sorry for your loss. This is a common feeling in grief - the whys and what ifs. Also, alcoholics can be very, very good at hiding their addiction. It’s part of the disease. Please don’t blame yourself for not knowing - it took me an embarrassingly long time to work out my bf was an alcoholic, and when I realised I blamed myself for not knowing sooner. But denial, lying, shame, hiding are all parts of the addiction and partners who aren’t addicted don’t think like that. I hope you can get some support and, honestly, it is not and was never your fault for not realising sooner - it was deliberately hidden from you so you wouldn’t know.