Trigger warning - suicide of very close friend’s child, how do I support her?

[Janus]

Today the eldest daughter of my lovely friend, who I have known for more than 30 years, took her own life.
She was a wonderful young adult, living her best life in another country, with a lovely boyfriend, a new apartment, a new kitten, planning to get married but something happened at work and she took her life. My heart is broken for my friend but I need to know how I can help her?? She has to fly out to the other country tomorrow and I now live several hours drive from her but I want to know what I can do. I will go to her once she’s ready. She needs time with her immediate family I think but I’ve messaged her and said when she’s ready to talk I’m here. I told her I’m heartbroken for her but didn’t give our usual really long message as I don’t think she wants that now. I honestly can’t believe this vibrant, beautiful, clever young lady has gone. They spent long summers with us and all I can do is remember how wonderful she is. I don’t want my grief to get in the way of how I can help but I can’t think how to start with all this?? I don’t know whether to message again tomorrow or leave my friend to make contact when she’s ready??
Any advice please?

Make sure she has the details of Papyrus, they have been a huge support to other parents in this situation

When suicide is involved, people tend to run away.

Just show her you aren't running away. That could involve regular messages that are short but don't require a reply.

' Always thinking of you ' or ' I'm always here'

Just try that and see how it goes. If she feels strongly that you aren't uncomfortable about this, she'll call in you if she needs you. She may not want to or can't take you up on it. Knowing it isn't a one off platitude is a lovely gift.

I lost a parent to suicide. You just want people to not make you feel uncomfortable because they're uncomfortable with it.

Thank you. She is one of the biggest people in my life, she’s like a sister really. I absolutely wouldn’t be able to shy away from this. I have cried all night even beginning to imagine how she’s feeling. Her daughter was a wonderful girl who I messaged only a couple of weeks ago to see how things were. She has a wonderful life, well I thought she did, I still think she did. She was the first baby I ever held.

Papyrus is a very good idea too, I’d forgotten
about them but have heard of them. I will suggest this too in the coming days.
Thank you.

OMG. That's so desperately sad. I wonder what could possibly happen at work that was so bad to negate everything else that was going on her life.🥲

just be there. Send her messages that don't need replies letting her know that you're thinking about her and I just put the other end of the phone any time she wants to ring that it doesn't matter what time of day or night it is and all she wants to do is cry down the phone.

I wish I could lend you both my best friend. She's absolutely brilliant at this. She's my rock.

Big hugs to you too, she's someone you knew and cared about as well and I hope someone is helping you through this as well xx

I too sent short messages saying I was thinking of her and her family, I loved her and I was just texting to let her know and that I really wasn’t expecting a reply.

She read them all, sometimes she replied and downtowns she didn't.

It's a year down the road now, I see her often. We talk about her child a lot. Devastating times for them all.

But be kind to yourself top OP. Look up circle of grief and find someone you can unload to.

Do you have kids, did they grow up with her?

I’m so sorry this has happened, how heartbreaking. It sounds like you knew this woman since she was a baby, so make some space for your grief and get support for yourself too. The Samaritans are always there to listen.

I supported a friend through bereavement by suicide last year, it’s such a complex grief. I think the main thing is what others have already suggested - stay in touch with short messages that don’t require a reply. If you usually message daily keep doing that, and take the lead from your friend. Go and see her as soon as you can/as soon as she wants you and just be with her in her grief. Cry with her. Listen and don’t try to fix this situation which can’t be fixed.

She will likely feel a lot of confusion, anger and guilt. She might also feel shame, as many people bereaved by suicide feel this. It’s a grief which is still taboo and something people run away from. I never imagined my friend would feel shame but she did, she felt she should or could have stopped it, and felt that if she had been ‘better’ her loved one wouldn’t have made the choice they did. Be there for your friend to talk about these complex feelings, listen and go at her pace. Follow her lead but use her daughters name and don’t be afraid to talk about her. I read When It Is Darkest: Why People Die by Suicide and What We Can Do to Prevent It by Rory O’Connor which was insightful. Good luck OP. Sending you and your friend my best wishes.

Such very lovely replies, thank you.

Yes, my children grew up with hers, my eldest is just a year younger than this young adult but I have 3 others that knew her very well too. I have told 3 of them but my eldest is in Australia so I’m
just waiting for her to wake up to tell her. Awful.

i will keep messaging her with short but messages that say I’m here. Thank you

I am that mother. Ds took his life 6 months ago in similar circumstances...a complete shock.
Be led by her....I didn't want any cards, flowers, religious platitudes or head tilts. I spoke to 3 close friends and let out my anger. I'm still very very angry.
I appreciated meals from Cook which were delivered.
I didn't want to see anyone for a month.
You sound like a fantastic friend and she will need you.

Oh and Papyrus are amazing. We've raised £25000 for them so far

Thank you @Mikart and I’m so desperately sorry for your loss. Thank you for taking the time to tell me what was comfortable for you. Cook is a very good idea in a way of practical help. I have sent her a few messages today saying I’m thinking of her, she has briefly replied. There was not one single indication of this coming, she was very much loved and had a lovely life but something must have happened we don’t know about. I understand the anger, even I have said to the sky today I wished she’d asked someone/anyone for help as I know things would have got better. I can’t stop crying for her and how her family are going to have to cope. I really appreciate the replies.

All you can do is keep in touch every few days just so she knows you are thinking about her and the family… i can imagine you must desperately want to help but just send a ❤️ or a short message every few days to let her know you are there for her.. im sure your friend wont be processing much atm and even if she is it wont be making sense in her mind
She will have a billion questions, first will come shock / disbelief
then sadness
then anger
or maybe all at once
I have been there not too long ago, my brother took his own life
it is something you cannot properly comprehend or explain to others but all i remember are endless questions going around in my head, maybe you could ask her if she needs any help sorting out any of her daughters arrangements, lifts/pick ups to airport/ get her some shopping in/ go for a coffee together just listening to her will be more than enough, she will come to you once she’s ready 💔
https://www.cruse.org.uk/understanding-grief/grief-experiences/traumatic-loss/coping-when-someone-dies-by-suicide/

I’ve also been there too :(
we received a lot of flowers which were lovely but they all died at the same time.
a very good friend took me for walks which was a good way to talk about it all.
just showing emotional connection and checking in is so appreciated and practical help re food is good too

If she’s having to fly out to where her daughter lived, what about sending her a list of items to pack in her suitcase as she may not have to have the headspace to pack everything, like deodorant.

Thank you but she left on the first flight so was at the airport at 6am. She’s much more organised than me though so I think she would have thrown some stuff together and be sorted. Sadly (?) she will be staying at her daughters apartment which would have all her stuff too 😢.

@Namechange600 I’m so very sorry for your loss too. I agree about the flowers. I think practical and emotional help will be what she needs. I just want to do things ‘right’ rather than wade in so I think waiting a little bit is the way to go.
@Toastie333 thank you so much for that link, i
think that will be really helpful too. I message her quite a lot in normal times so I will check checking in gently.

@Toastie333 and I’m so very sorry for your loss too.

Practical support, particularly food, is good. Expect a range of emotions from your friend and listen don't advise. Don't talk about her to others so you are that safe space.

Absolutely awful news.
Your friend will be in such shock right now, so won’t really be taking anything in.
You will be grieving yourself in your own way, so make sure you have your own loved ones and friends to talk to.
Send regular short messages that need no reply. Don’t be offended if they remain unread.
As long as your friend knows you are there for her, that’s all you can do. In the future, when the funeral has happened, that’s the time when people get back to their lives and the grieving person feels lost. That’s the time when your friendship will really matter.