How can I support my dear friend without drowning myself?

[EachandEveryone]

My friend/lodger went home (catholic country in Europe) for Xmas. And this is not about money at all. He’s still paying his rent. His mum died unexpectedly and he was so, so close to her. I beleive she was the only one who knew he is gay and loved him deeply.

my heart is broken for him we were buying her Xmas presents one minute then two days later she had gone.

anyway I have been so supportive but all he keeps saying (from his native country) is that he wants to be with her. I don’t know what else I can say to that other than that’s not what she would want. He writes all the time asking what I think heaven is like. I have been so sympathetic but now it’s dragging me down and I swear if he was back in London he would be more supported by his friends, Gp etc. he hates his job keeps going on about that as well. Again I’m happy to help him but tbh he’s hated every nursing job he’s had and I love mine so I can’t relate. He was like this besides the bereavment and I have taken him to the gp myself before today.

in case you all think I’m mean for context I have secondary cancer which I’m trying hard to “fight” and today I started immunotherapy and this is the last line of treatment for me. I need to be positive and have some fun in my life even if I can hardly walk! He’s left two cats which I have to look after ontop of my own two as well as all his indoor plants that grow from the top of his wardrobe accross the ceiling etc and he has loads!

I don’t know whether I should get tough with him now or what? Can someone give me any advice? Thanks.

Sorry about your diagnosis, OP.

For both your sakes I think you need to give him less oxygen. Don’t make yourself available for talks, chats or emotional support. If he persists tell him he has to reach out to his support networks at home.

It is not down to you to support him, and you would be doing him a disservice not to push him towards more legitimate support from people more qualified or closer to him.

Oh gosh, it sounds like you are going through your own battles and don’t need your friend weighing you down. He needs professional help. Urge him to get in contact with a therapist, GP, vicar, support group, Samaritans number, anything he can get access to.

It’s okay to put yourself first. It’s not selfish, it’s self care.you can’t help anyone before you help yourself 🌷

They don’t have that kind of support in his home country MH still has a stigma.

i just text and said your massive cheese plant has fallen over again I can’t pick it up as I have a 5pm open abbcess on my groin and today I started immunotherapy I’m finding it hard to keep on top of everything.

he text back calling me selfish said I’m exaggerating my illness and what I’m capable of and aren’t I lucky to still have a mother at the age of 57 when he hasn’t got one at 34.. he said it doesn’t stop me from booking Glastonbury and expecting him to look after the cats. He said it’s the third time I’ve asked him when he’s coming home and his family need him. His brother is a top lawyer and went back to work the week after and his father is 70 and continues to go to church every day and his allotment. It’s him that needs the support. I’m so upset I nearly started crying in the infusion unit. How can you compare each others sadness?

I'm so sorry you're upset and also dealing with this cancer treatment OP.

It's very sad he's lost his mum and he does sound very troubled, but if my lodger (or anyone actually) spoke to me like that I'd hit the fucking roof. Bereaved or not, its not okay. You are not responsible for his mum dying, or helping him through his grief. He doesn't get to speak to you in that manner.

I'd give him a month's notice to come back, get his stuff/cats and move out. The relationship is no longer working for you, that's all you have to say. You've got enough going on looking after yourself atm without this man demanding you tend to his emotional needs. Given the age gap between you it sounds like he's looking to you to be a new mum type figure.

He's not your responsibility. Take care of yourself first. Hope your treatment goes well. 💜

The age group doesn’t matter he’s always been a homebody it’s me that has the social life. I don’t think he’s ever acted on his sexuality and I guess this is why he doesn’t really socialise. When ever there’s someone gay on telly he curses them calls them bitter queens and everything and I think that’s part of his depression that was occur g before hand. He’s very creative and loves doing jobs in the flat but he’s said that’s all stopping now.

i don’t need his money things will be tight but I’ve been nearly four months on my own now and it’s getting to me.

one older friend said he’s lost his mother and that tops everything I should not ask him again when he is coming back.

the other younger friend is appalled the way he just spoke to me and said we have to do something nice every week.

here is an example of what his cat did the other day I could barely lift it never ind straighten it

His message to you - what the fuck? I didn't treat anyone anything like that when I lost my husband during my pregnancy! I'd be tempted to reply saying that he's lucky not to have secondary cancer and an abscess in the groin.
He is not a friend. Good people don't behave like that, even when grieving.

Shocking behaviour on his part.
Ignore everything he says, he’s upset and lashing out however he can.
Personally, I would mute his messages/turn off notifications from him and only check them once a week at most.
His plants are ridiculous, is he expecting you to look after his cats and plants while you’re gone? Cheek of him. Have you a friend who could help you move them somewhere in the house where they would be out of the way? I’d also try to find a cat-lover who could take in the cats temporarily until your so-called friend comes back for them.

Your only responsibility is to look after yourself and focus on recovery, OP

Its like day of the triffids they are everywhere. Nowhere to move them to.