School Bereavement - how to offer support?

[comealongdobbeh]

I’m hoping someone will be able to offer valuable advice as I’m not sure what to do, though I know I want to do something.

The mother of a child in my DC’s class (Y6) passed away recently. It’s a huge shock to my DC as well as to myself and DP and we can’t imagine what this poor family is going through.

We want to do something to both offer our condolences but also to let the child’s father know we offer our support, but we respect that they’re a private family and we’re not especially close. All adults on first-name terms but don’t see each other outside of school runs other than afterschool clubs and DC birthday parties etc.

After some time has passed we will of course offer to have their kids over, take them out etc but until then? We thought about sending flowers but it doesn’t feel right, though I can’t put my finger on why.

Any suggestions?

This happened at our school when my child was in grade 6 also. It was devastating to the whole community, especially as she was a beautiful human.
I personally left a gift voucher for a local cafe in the letterbox. It's the type of place that did wholesome take away meals. I guess, I wanted to let them to know we were thinking of them, and it was a practical gift.
Eventually one of their close friends set up a go fund me to take the pressure off a bit.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend, when it happens suddenly it really hits hard. X

The nicest thing anyone did for me when I lost my teenage son was leave a bag of shopping on my doorstep and sent a message to let me know it was there.

I think a card to let them know you are thinking of them is enough and a gift voucher if you want to.

I agree to not send flowers, we received so many that we didn't know what to do with them, quickly ran out of vases and most had to sit in the bath.

Don’t know if this is just me but my mum died suddenly when I was 9. Afterwards I really hated being invited to other kids’ houses for tea that I hadn’t played with before. I remember the feeling to this day of being pitied and it was horrible.

As an adult I can see it was a kind gesture but I’d be wary. There are other things that might help more.

A heartfelt card is the best thing. With an offer of help if needed.

Please don't send flowers. I know it's the done thing but it's such a hassle looking after them and it's horrible watching them die. Send a card.

My 'go to' for bereavement (it's been a hard few years) is to send Cook meals. You say you're not close, is there a mutual friend who can do some go-between-ing? I'm sure things like drop offs and club pick ups would be really appreciated.

Offer now. My DH passed away when my kids were 4 and 6 and what I really needed was someone to take my kids early on so I could get on with making arrangements. I had no family who could do this.
I’d contact the father and say you are happy to do the school run/keep the kids for the afternoon/cook a few dinners for the freezer. Don’t say ‘let me know if I can help’ - say I can take the kids to school this week, I’ll bring over dinner for a couple nights. Of course take in to account the kids - as PP says the kids need to at least be friends if coming over for some hours, though for a school run not so much.

My teenage son died. People have done the following things which have really helped:

Brought me some JustEat vouchers in lieu of flowers for when I don’t want to cook
left Bags of shopping on the doorstep, including lots of boxes of tissues
offered to take my youngest son out with them to whatever they were doing, cinema etc
Brought meals to freeze. Checked first what we liked.

It’s hard
Our school had a spate of parents dying. A boy in my sons class father died of a heart attack on holiday and then his mum of cancer 6 months later.
Then a boy in the same class committed suicide a few months after starting University.

Dealing with it is really hard and especially if the children are close
Go to the funeral. Be there. Light a candle and offer support after.

Thank you all for the replies. You’re right, flowers are not the way to go.

The child in question and my child are good friends, hence why we want to reach out.

its Easter Holidays soon and I don’t expect the kids will be back at school next week (though if they are I’ll reach out sooner) so I think I’ll reach out after the holidays. I know they have family and friends to help with the kids / making arrangements, so I think a card with some just eat vouchers etc, plus an offer for my child’s friend to come out with us or come over would be good.

do we wait to be invited to the funeral? Or just go along if details are shared by someone other than the family?

What sort of things to get if we get some shopping?

what sort of meals to make?

im rubbish at coming up with ideas :(

There are no invites for funerals.
People might be told when and where but anyone can go.

Although it’s worth noting some places ie crematoriums are small and family may specify family only

Offer now to have the DCs/collect from school/drop at activities etc.

If it was me. I'd make a lasagne, one large enough for a few days. I'd buy a bag of shopping then write a short card just to say you wanted to do something small to help and that if there's anything they need to just call. Just keep it simple.

A lot of people have said a bag of shopping. But what do I put it in it? What do I buy for them? What if I buy the wrong kind of milk / eggs / bread etc?

Thanks for clarifying. I’m not English so not 100% on how it works. If the family don’t share the funeral
details but someone else does, isn’t it rude if we just turn up?

No, not rude. If the family want it to be family only / private, they will say so and usually not share the details, this is often the case if there’s not much room
and often they’ll then invite anyone after if they having a get together / remembrance, which is usually informal food / drink / tea

Re food etc, I’d buy vouchers. You can get Cook vouchers online and they deliver to the house, and have a decent range of kid friendly meals

Honestly, don't overthink the shopping bit. It's the gesture rather than getting it right. Bereaved houses run on tea and biscuits in the Uk so that's always a winner, or as I said above Cook do decent freezer ready meals - just get something simple that you'd serve for their kids like a pasta bake or a chicken pie.

Funerals are 100% not by invitation in the UK unless they're having a family-only service or cremation, which is pretty unusual. You'll probably see something online, or google name + death notice - it's still customary to put the info in a local newspaper so everyone knows the info and Ive no doubt it will be shared amongst the school community.

And keep offering specifics rather than general offers to help if they need it.

Like, can we take dc to football practice tomorrow? Drop them off after fed?

No. Not at all. As family assume the message gets sent around by others and everyone just lets people know. The last thing family want to do is send loads of personal messages out.
It does depend a little on the funeral location though.
In a church anyone can attend and a general message on date of funeral always goes in a parish newsletter so all parish members know about it and can attend.

In a crematorium it really depends on the size of the location. However it is normal for the family to specify if it’s invite only to a crematorium.
When my sons friend died there was a general note out to his year group when the funeral was. People turned up if they wanted. No individual invites and all were welcome.
For my FIL the crematorium was a small venue so we simply let less people know about it. ( he wasn’t religiously there wasn’t a message in the newsletter)

Both my parents were church goers. We didn’t invite anyone. We just told family when the funeral was and a message was put in the church newsletter and practically the entire congregation turned up. It’s personal choice if you want to show your last respects .

So unless you hear otherwise assume anyone can attend. Of note it’s really quite rare to have invite only to a funeral

Thank you all x

From personal experience a Just eat voucher is preferable to freezer meals. My friend had to find people to take kindly donated freezer meals off her hands because she didn't have the space to store them which added to her stress as it was another job and she felt bad not eating what people had kindly prepared.

Do your DC do any out of schools activities together? Could you say you will take and bring them back until further notice then that's one thing they know is sorted and not another life admin task of checking if you are ok to do it each week etc.

Do your DC do any out of schools activities together? Could you say you will take and bring them back until further notice then that's one thing they know is sorted and not another life admin task of checking if you are ok to do it each week etc.

This
Very different circumstances but when I was out of action for a couple of months and DH working away it was so good that DS friends Mum who I haven't know we'll (new to area) sent me this type of message and meant DS could still go to cubs and football and not miss out -appreciate with a bereavement that children may not be upto going

Another great practical thing that a kindly neighbour did was to mow my lawn when they did their own

My husband died unexpectedly last month. A lot of parents in my dds Y6 class reached out (and continue to do so).
She’s had lots of play date offers. We’ve accepted quite a few. Lifts to and from after school activities have been appreciated- as have offers to help with school drop off etc.
We were given vouchers for Just Eat and the local supermarket and some ready meals from Cook, a cheese selection with crackers and some chocolate brownies, home made cakes etc. All of which were very appreciated. For me the cheese and crackers were great because initially at least I was only really picking at food.
My daughter was given little gifts by her friends which she found both touching and tough to receive.

Little update: we’ve found out it happened two weeks
ago and the family have kept it quiet. The kids are back at school. The club my child goes to, the siblings go to also. They live closer and walk so I don’t think offering to take them will be accepted, though I’m still happy to offer.

The family are trying to keep things as normal as possible. My child is going to write a letter to the friend to let them know if they want to talk, play or just sit, they can.

I think I'm going to write a card to the family and also
offer some play dates. If the family want to keep
things as normal as they can, I can at least help them in some small way.

the justeat voucher is also a good shout, I think we’ll do this too, for those evenings dad is just too exhausted.

thank you all