Grief - is this normal

[Imperfectpolly]

DF died unexpectedly and very suddenly in December. There was no warning, it came out of nowhere. I did make it down to hospital in time but he was asleep, don't know if he knew we were there. We were very close, I saw him probably 6 days a week.

First couple of weeks after, we were in absolute shock and I couldn't sleep. Then January February were so busy, between work and the kids we just kept going and trying to find a new normal.

March comes around and I can't sleep again. When I do sleep I'm having bad dreams or nightmares involving DF. Is this normal? I'm afraid to go to sleep because I know I'm going to have a nightmare and was up sweating and shaking. Could a counsellor help me or is this just a normal part of grief?

I don’t think there is any ‘normal’ way to grieve but I do think it is sounding like a PTSD response. Nightmares like that after a trauma can be a symptom. It’s possible EMDR might help but I am not sure if it is too soon after the traumatic event. I’m not that clued up on EMDR as a modality but it’s worth exploring.

Is DF father or fiance?

I am so sorry this has happened to you. It doesn’t sound like you have had much chance to process anything and have gone into survival mode but those feelings are wanting to come out. Counselling can help them come out at a pace that suits you. You do need sleep though. It might be worth speaking to your GP and seeing what your options are, you don’t have to agree to anything.

It must be horrible to fear going to sleep on top of everything else you are dealing with. Big hug to you.

Thanks bigyellowtractor.

It is my father.

I'm going to see if I can find a local counsellor as I do think I need someone to talk it through properly with. At home I try to put on a brave face for DC, who are also grieving badly as they spent time with DF nearly every day. Then I go to work and put on the happy face.

If I can't see a counsellor soon, then I will try to see my GP. I'm already taking a lot of medication for other things so unsure about adding something else in on top of that.

Thanks again for your advice.

There is no set right or wrong in grief sadly but yes, some talking therapy might help. I am sorry for your loss.

Grief is personal to everyone and what works for you won't necessarily work for someone else. After my partner died suddenly in hospital November 2022, I found the cycle of grief very ..........erratic, for want of a better word.

I went to the GP after 4 months for HRT but instead she upped my anti depressants and suggested counselling. However I knew I was grieving, knew it was a period in my life that I needed to deal with and felt that talking about it to a stranger wasn't going to help me. So I carried on, tried to exercise as much as possible and by the end of the first year, I wasn't crying every day, didn't feel the desperate need to visit his headstone every month, that sort of thing.

I once read that the full cycle of grief can last 5 years and that it will ebb and flow. Certainly now two full years have passed, I still remember him but don't cry every time I'm looking at photos, or reading letters and cards he sent. I still go to send him something funny on my phone every now and then before remembering he isn't here.