Is this normal, three months on?

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My Dad passed away in December and I feel like it's only just hitting me now. He had cancer, which he had treatment for, but then it turned very aggressive and he died within a month of being told there were no more treatment options.

I feel bereft and completely lost. It's so incredibly painful; like the shock has worn off and there's a raw wound. I went back to full-time work straight after the Christmas holidays and between that and two young children, maybe I didn't process the grief or something. I miss him so, so much and I can't believe he's not here anymore.

I've taken a couple of days annual leave from work because I can't stop crying, but I'm not sure I'm going to feel any better by Monday. I started weekly counselling sessions about a month ago because I was really angry all the time, but I don't think it's helping. I do feel better taking a break from work - it felt like some of the weight was lifted off my shoulders when I made the decision to take a couple of days off - but realistically I can't take any more holidays and I don't want my boss to think less of me, so taking sick leave isn't an option.

Do I just need to power through this? Accept that it's awful and devastating but I'll feel better in time?

I believed that time heals. In my experience it doesn't. You simply get used to the pain and the hole in your life

Sorry, that's probably not helpful. I can remember being so surprised that the grief wasn't easing up after a few months.

I tried grief counselling and found my Counsellor to be really lovely but useless

In the end I went to the GP. Sertraline took the edge off and I then did loads of reading and listening (utube, podcasts) and the solidarity helped me understand grief more

Its 8 years since Mum died and 2 since Dad died.

Some days I'm in pain missing them. Other days I'm good. I chat to them all the time. That helps me

Sending you love ❤️

My Mum’s death hit me around the 3 month mark too. Before that, I was busy with arrangements, helping my Dad, dealing with other family members. Once the busyness passed, I finally got a chance to take stock and boom! Mentally collapsed. I felt worse than when she first passed. It was a truly awful time.

I have no real words of wisdom, I’m sorry. I just did my best to keep going, spoke to friends who had also lost parents as they “got it”, read a lot, went for lots of long walks so I could cry in peace, visited some of our favourite places to remember her (more crying).

Years on there is still a Mum missing space in my life but I can remember her with more love than pain. That’s as good as it gets I think.

@sugarspiceandeverythingnice12 I'm exactly as you describe - surprised that I don't feel a bit better three months on, and shocked that in fact I feel worse. I've been wondering if I should speak to my GP and ask for antidepressants or something to get me through. It sounds like you've worked really hard to process the grief but the pain of loss is still there. And that's logical to me - at this point in time I can't imagine ever feeling okay about Dad not being here. He was only in his sixties and the biggest character, so full of life.

@SmoothEncounter that's exactly what this feels like - a mental collapse. Like I need to check out of life for a bit to recover. I can't, though. As you did, I guess I just need to do my best to keep going.

Thank you both for replying - it helps to know that other people understand, as much as I don't want anyone else to feel this bad!

I'd have a chat to your GP. Or a herbalist or homeopath if you're that way inclined. Taking the edge off your pain might give you a chance to breathe!

I kind of felt lied to, in a weird way. All my life "time heals" has been trotted out and for me it's just not true.

I'm so sorry that you lost your lovely Dad when he was so young xxx

I think when you lose a loved one initially there is so much to do - arranging funerals, sorting out their things, maybe selling a house, that its probably not until three or four months later that it all catches up with you.
I think there is an element of accepting that it's awful and devastating- because it is.
As for powering through - what does that mean ? You have to get on with your daily life but I don't think that means ignoring or suppressing your feelings.
I have a close friend who lost her husband several years ago. It's taken her a very long time to rebuild her life. What I've learnt from her is that grief has its own timeline, everyone grieves differently and you shouldn't pressure yourself to 'get over it'.
There is a dad shaped whole in your life, you can't fill it, it's a lot to process and there is nothing wrong with seeking help whether it's counselling or anti depressants.
Cut yourself some slack. Take care

So sorry for your loss, I lost my own dad in very similar circumstances last year. Same age.
I was straight back to work after a week but then really struggling. My manager encouraged me to take 4-6 weeks off - I rung the GP and she signed me off with stress and exhaustion which was indeed how I felt. Just having that space was very much needed. Meant that if I suddenly needed to break down and sob, I wasn’t at work and could do so. I didn’t tell a lot of people I was off (including my mum) as I needed to be able to choose how to spend my time without any judgement or advice. With young children AND work, it’s impossible to find that space to process and grieve.
A year on, I feel much less fragile, but still think of him every single day. Sometimes it’s unbearable but I just try and go with it.

I totally understand. Ds died 6 months ago. I've been OK but today am having an awful day. Can't stop crying. Having awful intrusive thoughts about how he died. I've aged about 20 years overnight.

3-4 months in is the worst time. That's when the numbness and shock tend to wear off and you feel everything. I'm sorry for your loss.

The second year is often harder than the first after loss too.

It's normal. Grief is measured in years not months.

I'm sorry about your dad - in time it won't hurt so much and you'll find ways to carry him with you more easily. 3 months is hardly any time at all.

There are specialist bereavement charities that can support you - Sue Ryder and Marie Curie have different options available. I've found them better than Cruse.

https://www.sueryder.org/grief-support/about-bereavement-and-grief/parent/

Thank you for taking the time to respond. It sounds like this is totally normal so I feel like I can put less pressure on myself to 'get a grip'. I'm so sorry for everyone that has lost a loved one too - so much sadness in the world.