Terrible terrible day Grief Paralysis

[FahFoughsSaic]

Bereaved in October. Terrible day today. Just overwhelmed with depression, tears, I can't seem to do ANYTHING .
This is my life

wake up. not want to get up because I am tired. dont want to face the day without love

eventually get up late about 10 or 11 have tea and breakfast. watch news

determine that today is the day that i will tick something off my list. feel full of intentions.

get dressed. feel like I can't face doing whatever job it was so think I'll do it in half an hour or so and then get involved with messing about on my phone or playing candy crush or anything to distract me.

then before you know it its dark. I feel really depressed alone and lost and that I've failed myself again. think that I will do this tomorrow now.

get involved with watching bad tv.

cant face going to bed because I'm not sleeping

watch tv late

go to bed late

dont really sleep

wake up at 3 am 5 am rinse repeat

wake up at 9am thing I can't get up and just need a bit of rest. fall asleep becaue I'm not under pressure to sleep then go back to the top of this cycle.

I feel repulsed by myself and my procrastination of everythign. some of it is because it is death related like dealing with some death admin things but it is applying to everything even my own life like paying my own bills or doing a bit of work or whatever.

eventually it gets done but not after Ive delayed to the point that i feel sick and if I dont do it now I really will be in trouble.

what is wrong with me? I know I'm grieving but I feel like I've lost any motivation to do anything. life seem pointless really with no love to give or to receive but give mostly. I have no one to love any more. I'm all alone.

I'm so sorry for your loss, @FahFoughsSaic

Grief is brutal, it really is. And no two people experience it the same way.

Having said that I think by now most people are able to function normally most of the time, with the odd day of utter despair. I remember well how it appears out of nowhere and hits you like a freight train. It's been 18 months for me and it still happens sometimes.

Gently, I would encourage you to make an appointment to see your gp. Anti-depressants might help you climb out of the pit.

Sending you a massive hug and a hand hold.

thanks @Reveuse I was doing ok I think but I feel like I'm going backwards.

It maybe it was shock that was helping me cope and now the truth of the future of my life is dawning.

Today I was reading some old posts from a support website I was on 13 years ago when my first husband died and I was exactly like you 6 months after he died. It was almost as if I'd just kept going (2 teenage children and work) one day I had a particularly unpleasant patient who was extremely rude to me and whilst I can usually cope with these things, that day I excused myself from my consulting room, grabbed one of my partners and howelled for over an hour. After that I went home and spent the next few months in a total daze just getting through one day at a time.
Grief is the most awful thing. I had done counselling with cruse and gradually came out the other side. It was really interesting reading my posts as I was deeply deeply sad.

It's 13 years next week since he died. I'm now 61 retired and remarried but it still hits me occasionally.
Look after yourself. Make small goals to get through the day, try and see friends and ask for help. It's horrible but the sun will shine again for you one day.

That's it in a nutshell. My husband had been unwell for 12 years and in the end his death was a release but it still hurt terribly

@Musicaltheatremum thank you for taking the time to write such a personal and beautiful post. it's comforting to know that at least for some people things work out well. I dont' think that will be me but its a comforting thought.

Thinking of you, OP xx

@FahFoughsSaic so sorry for your loss. Grief is overwhelming sometimes. Could you contact cruse bereavement support??? They do online groups if you don't fancy meeting people in person x

I tried calling Cruse today funnily enough but couldn't get through. Every time I called got a message saying no one was available try later. Then finally got on hold at about 4.15 (they shut at 5pm) and was on hold for 45 mins with no answer. I was in a bad way today and could really ahve done with even a 5 minute chat with a human. my bad luck. made me feel worse than if I'd not bothered to call tbh.😥

My husband passed away suddenly 4.5 months ago and I can understand every emotion you're feeling. I think this is quite normal in the early days, I think I'm doing fine then dip down into despair. I've joined an online FB group Uk and Ireland Merry Widows and Widowers, there's so many of us at different stages, I think you'd benefit joining x

Hello, I am the same. My son died in February. He was 19. I am deeply traumatised by it. I have been directed to Megan Devine’s It’s Ok Not To Be Ok, refuge in grief website and book. I have not bought the book but have been on the website.
Have a look at her Facebook page for Refuge in Grief, there is a lot of really good pointers there.

I feel like I am drowning. No one understands the pain and shock. Lots of love to everyone who is also grieving.

I completely understand having lost my partner in may last year. Some days I need to just abandon ship and take to the sofa. That's ok. It sounds like you might be putting a bit of pressure yourself with your tasks? Can some of the admin be parked for a while? I have done the time sensitive basics but there's still loads to do. It will get done eventually. Could you set smaller tasks for yourself that are more focused on your self care? Like today I will have a walk, do a yoga session, have a bubble bath or do a meditation? The most important job you have right now is to nurture yourself and be as kind to yourself as you possibly can. It also helped me to know that on the days like you described where I couldn't do anything other than cry, that that is also still part of moving forward. You are being brave enough to sit with and face your pain and that is so important for healing. You aren't doing anything wrong. Be as kind to yourself as you possibly can.