Told I'll be alone in the funeral car

[Beenworkingwith]

Lost my brother recently very tragically in his 30s.

Quite a complicated situation as he was estranged from his wife with good reason as it was a very toxic relationship.

I was close to my brother and we never had a crossed word.

His wife has no money, in fact is up to her eyes in debt. An aunt has kindly offered to pay for the funeral.

His wife rang me and said that if I wish to go in a funeral car then I'll be in one on my own as her funeral car is full. I asked why my dad can't be in with me and she said she will need him.

It's literally a 2 minute drive to the church. I just feel like I'm being pushed out here. She isn't even paying a penny towards her husband's funeral. I don't care about funeral cars but feel like it's a waste of money to get one just for me.

Some of the others in her car are a random girlfriend of some relative which I could easily take the place of.

I honestly don't feel like I want to go anymore. If I drive myself it will look stupid if I'm already there sitting on the front benches when the rest of them come in.

Who is actually making the arrangements ?

tho she may be next of kin ? is sil really doing it.
I would be speaking to your father as it is his son and you are his daughter, and I would also be speaking to the aunt ? I guess the aunt is on your father's side ?

SIL is making the arrangements. Its my Aunt who is paying for everything (mine and brothers side not SIL).

I don't want to upset my dad anymore than he already is. I won't go in a funeral car on my own so I'll just drive myself. Other cars are full of SIL relatives and my dad. No room for me, his only sister.

I think aunty is paying for funeral cars for the relatives of her nephew / your father's son / your brother, i.e. HIS family

not hangers on belonging to sil

No I totally agree with that but SIL is volatile and seems to be looking for a fight for some reason so I wouldn't challenge her on this. I'll handle it with dignity and just make my own way there. She can't take away the love I had for him.

My aunty is elderly and wouldn't want to be worried about the details. She's very wealthy so just handed over a generous amount to cover everything.

how is she elderly if she is your father's sister or is she your father's aunty i.e. your great aunt.

She's my great Aunt.

Is the aunt/great aunt going to be in a car? Can you travel with her?

Just get yourself there, it
Doesn't sound far. GA probably won't want to pay for a car and it really doesn't matter how you get there.

Sorry for your loss.

Have you got a friend who can go with you?

I am sorry for your loss

Two options in my view: Just drive. Get there early and wait for their car to arrive. Then go in with them. Do not go in early and take your seat unless you want to. Or: take someone else with you in the car. It’s not worth the angst on top of the stress of the day. Can you not be with a friend or a friend of your brother? There must be a couple of people? Where’s the great aunt going?

That’s really shit. Sorry for your loss. I don’t get why she is arranging it if they were broken up.

I couldn’t ever imagine this happening in my family and there are always fall outs. My uncle, the last to pass had his children and remaining siblings in the car, it was agreed all partners, even ones that had been in the family 50+ years went separately to save my cousins money, cousins offered to get second car. Uncles partner of 25 years ( they didn’t live together) went in a car with one of my cousins husbands, he has a fancy car and drove behind the funeral car. So she wasn’t on her own and was still with family. Even though she wasn’t in the car she was up front with family when the coffin was being carried in, as were other family partners.

I wonder, dose you father and aunt even know the arrangements? If they did would they say anything?

It sounds like you are estranged so it’s not all that surprising that she doesn’t want to sit in the same car as you (very William & Catherine, Harry & Meghan).

I agree it’s ridiculous to have an official car just for you. Make your own way.

I honestly don't feel like I want to go anymore

Please don’t do that to yourself. I appreciate emotions are running high but you will regret that for the rest of your life.

At my dad’s funeral, there wasn’t enough room in the official car for all of us so one of my brothers who was travelling with his partner and daughter drove himself. We still walked in together.

I'm not estranged from SIL, I've been trying to help her in fact with the whole mess of finances. I then took a few days to myself to grieve though so maybe she didn't like that.

My husband will now come in the car with me rather than me be alone. He was needed at home to do school run but we'll sort that somehow. Everyone I know Will be at the funeral but maybe a school mum will help.

This all could have been avoided if my dad just was allowed to sit in a car with me.

Great Aunt is coming with her carer in a suitable car for her needs. She wouldn't want to be climbing out of a low car.

Thanks everyone.

Have you spoken to your dad? I couldn’t imagine he wants to go in his child’s funeral car on his own without his only remaining child and a bunch of his sons estranged wife’s relatives and friends.

My dad doesn't care to be honest. It's just a short journey. He would have liked to be with me but SIL is calling all the shots. He's frightened to upset her.

I’m sorry, she sounds very selfish. In your place I’d just go with the flow and afterwards grieve in my own way.

Oh how hard a situation at an already very tough time. I’m glad to hear that your DH will accompany you.

It may be a short drive, but you do need to be driven. You do need to be in one of the official cars. You don’t need to be worried about parking etc.

Condolences OP.

If your sil is still married to your brother she’s next of kin etc. So she’s responsible. I think you must get child care arrangements in place and your husband should go. I cannot really see a situation that would stop him. Someone will help with dc in the circumstances. Perhaps they didn’t think he would not come? So I would take the car with him and try to stop worrying about the others.