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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Watching someone you love pass

18 replies

joyouslady · 27/02/2025 20:56

My DSIS has just passed and we were all there when it happened. I'm not sure what I expected but I can't get the image out of my mind of those final moments. It's like I want to block it from my memory but my mind keeps trying to see it and bring it back to me. I think maybe I'm in shock. It feels completely surreal that tonight I'm here with my children and yesterday I witnessed this. I keep looking at her watsapp and seeing when she was last online. I just feel completely and utterly gutted but even that doesn't really describe how I feel or do it justice 💔 I just can't see how you'd ever be the same person after watching someone you love die in front of you

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Sixthform25 · 27/02/2025 21:07

@joyouslady so sorry for your loss. I watched one of my parents die and the first couple of weeks my upset was more about the actual death than their loss (unfortunately it wasn't the slipping away type you see on TV) It's natural to be shocked, it's hard to see 'normal life' carrying on and it all feels unreal. Gradually over time the acute pain lessened & I can now remember them without thinking about the death itself. I hope someone is looking after you at this hard time. May your DSIS RIP.

Cloudsandbees · 27/02/2025 21:08

So, so sorry for your loss 💔
You must be going through so many emotions and I understand how those final moments will keep replaying in your mind. I was with my dmum when she passed away.

I hope you can also take comfort from the very many happy memories you will have of your sister. Over time the shock and sadness you feel now will become more bearable, and you'll be able to think more of the happier times with her in your life.

You may want to seek bereavement counselling in due course and in the meantime maybe talk to your GP. 💐

LeaveALittleNote · 27/02/2025 21:14

I’m sorry for your loss. I went through this with my parents and it’s just horrendous. I suffered flashbacks and I was very shocked. It even affected my physical health for some time afterwards. I will probably never be the same person again. I lost a bit of my soul when I lost my mum.
You are in such early days. Most likely it’ll take awhile before you even start to process it, and that’s fine. This is a helpful board as everyone here understands the enormity of it.
Are there things you enjoy doing? Do you have hobbies or coping strategies?

Toletitgo · 27/02/2025 21:14

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I went through similar this last year and I understand your shock. For me it felt like the greatest privilege and the most awful horror all at the same time. I remain profoundly changed by the experience. But the awfulness of it has changed over time for me; the horror has faded and I still feel deeply privileged to have been there at the end. It is the most extraordinary experience and it will take time to process. Sending you strength and hope that in time you can find comfort in your memories of your DSIS.

CloseYourMouthLynn · 27/02/2025 21:22

I'm so sorry for your loss. I watched my brother die a couple of years ago, and it's a very traumatic experience. I had bereavement counselling and spent one session speaking solely about this and how it felt. I also wrote down my thoughts and feelings at the time. I'm not sure if either of those options appeal to you, but it really helped me to deal with what happened.
I am now able to look back and feel gratitude that I was with him in his final hours feel lucky that I was able to kiss and hug him goodbye, as not everyone has that.
It's so raw in the early stages and all I can suggest is that you go with your grief, rather than fight it. Cry, scream, look at messages /photos, whatever gets you through the time. It really does become easier to deal with, although it never goes away and you always miss them and have that ache of longing for them and what could have been. The other day a favourite song of my brother's came on and I found myself in tears, but those moments pass quicker and are more manageable.
Wishing you all the best. Be kind to yourself. X

Original poster

joyouslady · 27/02/2025 21:26

Thank you so much for the replies. I think I just wanted to hear from people who had experienced it. I have very supportive family and friends around me and I'm so pleased we were there but wow, nothing can prepare you for that 💔

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Shubbypubby · 27/02/2025 21:37

It can be very traumatic watching a loved one die. We were with my mum when she died but it was very quick and very peaceful. My dad died last year and I naively assumed it would be the same as it's the only time I had seen someone die. It was horrific/ it went on for hours and hours and was the very opposite of peaceful. I'm very sorry you have been through that.

Disturbia81 · 27/02/2025 22:47

My mum had a heart attack and fell and her face was awful. My sister went slower but again the face was awful, mouth agape and eyes half open. I've seen quite a few people die and none of it is falling asleep eyes and mouth closed. It does make you appreciate life while we have it, and yes it changes you forever.

Original poster

joyouslady · 27/02/2025 22:51

@Disturbia81 exactly this and I think that's what has shocked me. You don't know what to expect I guess but it wasn't that. I've been looking at photos so I can remember her beautiful face

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Original poster

joyouslady · 27/02/2025 22:52

So sorry for everyone's losses who has taken the time to post here 🙏🏻

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Sixthform25 · 27/02/2025 23:31

I think I felt like a proper adult for the first time after watching someone die. It can be surprising and you sort of understand why people don’t talk about it more but it’s a proper jolt of reality.

Take care @joyouslady

BellissimoGecko · 27/02/2025 23:49

Your mind is trying to process what has happened and make some sense of it.

I'm so sorry for your loss. How are you coping?

My mum died in October. For weeks afterwards I had nightmares every night. I was trying to make sense of it and process all the feelings I had around her death. The nightmares have settled down now.

Be kind to yourself.

Joystir59 · 27/02/2025 23:52

I was with my wife when she died, and it was traumatising. All I could think about for weeks was those last days of her dying. But I did get passed it with counselling and start to remember her in life, and all the good memories came back. I'm sorry for your loss OP.

Kattley · 28/02/2025 23:58

I’m sorry for your loss. My dad died a month ago and it was a long drawn out death. I still get flashbacks especially the smell and the face. It’s getting easier. You are so early in your loss and your mind will be trying to make sense of it, especially as we aren’t really prepared for this nowadays as previous generations were more used to it. It’s definitely not as tv shows it. I can only say that I have let the feelings come and go and I’ve been kind to myself and played with adult Lego which sounds ridiculous but it was sort of mindless activity which gave my brain a break. Eat ready meals if you want to, watch something that makes you laugh, cry when you need to, take time, if only 10 mins, to do something you would normally enjoy. If you need additional support see your gp or arrange for bereavement counselling.

HalfasleepChrisintheMorning · 01/03/2025 07:57

I’m sorry for your loss.
I watched my beloved Dad die from cancer in hospice last year. I was with him 24/7 for the last week and both my mum and I were there when he died.
His last days haunt me. He was on a syringe driver but it still wasn’t as peaceful as I wanted him to be. He vomited green bile in his last few minutes and died before we could clean him up. Horrendous.
Gradually I think about that less and “proper” loving, funny, gorgeous him more.

x2boys · 01/03/2025 11:11

I'm sorry for your loss my mum died four weeks ago I wasn't with her when she passed i got there about half an hour too late,whilst she was very frail and ill we were not expecting it to happen on that day I did see her shortly after her death. My mum did just slip away for which I'm eternally grateful for it was heartbreaking seeing her deteriate.

DrummingMousWife · 01/03/2025 11:14

I’m so sorry for your loss OP. Just a handhold, but wanted to say how sorry I am. I lost my dsis and not a day goes by I don’t think of her. She really was so beautiful.

Original poster

joyouslady · 01/03/2025 11:23

I definitely think speaking to her friends and looking at the beautiful photos of her has helped. My mind isn't going back to her final moments as much as it was so I hope that continues. Watching my parents and their heartbreak made it so difficult and as a mother myself I can't begin to fathom their grief. It's not the natural order of things for a reason. She couldn't communicate at the end but in the days leading up to it, she waved when we entered the room so she knew we were there and she mustered up all her energy to do a heart sign to me and mum. The nurses thought she might be trying to touch the tube but I knew she was trying to say something and I'm just so grateful I had that last bit of communication with her. That's what I need to hold on to.

So sorry for all of your losses and the tough times everyone has endured

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