Struggling with bereavement

[JGD]

I am a 25 y/o male who was raised by my grandparents. In January of 2021 my grandmother unexpectedly passed away which lead to a lot of grieving and issues in my day to day life (struggling to go to work, maintain relationships etc). I was prescribed sertraline but these did not agree with me, and i began grief counselling.

Fast forward to January 2024, I woke up for work and found my grandad had passed in his sleep - I called an ambulance, was instructed to attempt CPR etc, and had to be the one to call my aunties and tell them their dad had passed.

I give all of this back story to say that now, almost 4 years since losing my grandmother, it feels like none of it is getting better. I wake up a lot of mornings and wish i hadn't, I dread going to work and dread simply having to live a regular day to day life.

I currently take anti depressants (citalopram) which helped me return to work for the most recent time around 6 weeks ago, however i am starting to really struggle again, and starting to consider how bad i really need this job.

I am not writing this in hopes of sympathy, if anything its more in hopes of validation. Why am i still struggling so drastically after this much time ahs passed, when most people in these forums return to work after a couple of months at most?

any thoughts welcome

I'm sorry for your losses, OP. Please don't feel that there are any 'shoulds' with regards to recovery from grief - the two things I know for certain about bereavement is that there is no timeline by which the feelings lessen in intensity; the other is that recovery is not linear. You'll have had a much closer, more parental-like relationship with your grandparents as you were raised by them, so it's been more like losing two parents in a brief timespan and will hit harder. Added to that is the shock of finding the deceased and having to attempt CPR. Something I found helpful was an online support group for grief - it was reassuring to feel I wasn't alone in my reaction, as bereavement can be isolating as well as desolate. It's good that the antidepressants have been of some help; have you looked into grief counselling?

Don’t judge yourself by what others do - or claim they have done.

You’re only 25 but have experienced the loss of both your main childhood carers, including the trauma of having to try to resuscitate one of them. These are truly dreadful experiences and it would be a surprise if you weren’t still reeling.

Can your work provide any access to grief counselling?

Oh OP you have basically lost both of your parents by 25, this is a massive thing and of course you are still grieving. I am older than you and lost my beloved Dad coming up to 2 years now and still find it so so hard. Just because I go to work and smile and am chatty doesn't mean to say I am not desperately sad inside. I don't have the answers but please be kind to yourself, things take time x