Flashbacks and physical grief markers don’t go away

[Snickerdoodleslobster]

Hello everyone,

Was wondering if someone could lend a sympathetic ear. I lost a parent suddenly, one year ago now. I was in England, with my dad on the other side of the world in New Zealand.

I remember that day as if it’s charred into my brain- the terrible phone call, my mum calling me from the ambulance with its sirens blaring, screaming into the phone. Once again screaming into the phone when he unexpectedly died after the paramedics said he’d be fine… I wish I could erase the memory, the sirens, dropping everything to fly the arduous 24 hours home.

Thank god my GP saw me for an emergency appointment that day, the absolute lowest I’ve been. At the time I was struggling terribly with Anorexia, but the grief has made it much worse over time. Thank god my GP took me seriously that day, I probably wouldnt be here writing this if it wasn’t for her.

From the point of flying out and the funeral one week later, I lost nearly a stone in weight and didn’t eat anything for 5 days. I physically couldn’t, the pain was too raw, my throat would close up if I tried to swallow.

Fast forward to now, I have the most intense flashbacks that replay themselves right as I nod off to sleep, and sometimes throughout the day. I actively avoid hospitals, gp surgeries, and have to cover my eyes and ears if I hear a siren. I cannot go for a walk for example, as I’m too scared about hearing a siren. ridiculous I know.

Viewing the coffin was another terrible mistake that will haunt me forever, the flashbacks for those are even worse. I wish I was making this up, but I find myself seeing floating corpses and human bones through the day.

Above all, I have lost all my taste buds and struggle to eat anything except soft foods and shakes. Another fun part of grief!

I seriously despise my dad for putting me through this, the anger is immeasurable. The flashbacks and trauma make it impossible to live a normal life, and I have now relapsed with anorexia. It’s a cruel disease that plays tricks on your brain. I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone.

Not sure what the point of this post is, but wondering if anyone has been through similar/offer advice?

I am not joking when I say my Dads death has ruined my life in more ways that I can count.

Fuck grief. I hate you.

So sorry you are going through this op. It sounds very much like you have PTSD or
something similar. I would strongly recommend you seek therapy with a pyschologist or other counsellor who is experience in trauma therapy.

I’m going through this myself at the moment (therapy after a traumatic miscarriage) and my psychologist has explained that you have these flashbacks and avoid certain places because you’re holding the memories in and haven’t processed them, so your brain is trying to protect you but it gets to a point where it can’t anymore.

Hope you get the help you need

Sorry for you loss OP. I think the trigger to this is the absolute shock of it all. There was no time to prepare. One minute all is well the next you receive that traumatic call.

Do you have a partner or children? How old are you and his old was your dad?

I'm not a psychologist but agree this sounds like PTSD. Lots of people have found EMDR to be helpful, have you sought some help?

Take care of yourself.

Oh, OP, so sorry. I do hope that you will seek help for both your physical and mental health as both need time investing in them. 💐

I wanted to comment as I am almost 20 years on from my fathers sudden death. For the first couple of years after, I think I had very mild PTSD. I left a concert because there was an image projected onto the stage that was slightly 'medically' and I could not cope with it. I became very anxious generally, I would always jump to the worse case scenario if one of my dc was unwell. I worried about my dc a lot. I had panic attacks. Slowly over the years, my brain seems to have calmed down but just one thing remains; a certain ring tone from a landline. If I ever hear it, my heart leaps and my blood pressure rises.

I did find a couple of hobbies that really helped me calm my brain down (running, swimming and sewing). I found these very therapeutic because they absorbed me and required concentration. It was hard to start these hobbies, it required effort and felt like distraction for the sake of distraction at first but it worked (a bit 'fake it 'til you make it'). My GP recommending CBT really made me think about the fact that my brain was now wired a certain way and I had to try to rewire it.

One year ago is very recent in terms of grieving a parent - anniversaries are especially difficult. I think the shock of the phone call and the 24 hour flight makes this so much more complex than an expected bereavement, which is utter hell in itself. I think perhaps the focus needs to be on treating your relapse into anorexia before looking into other therapies. You need to be functioning physically before you can untangle the grief. I was in successful recovery from anorexia for many years before losing a parent and unexpectedly relapsed for a couple of years, with some awful dark thoughts. Please look after yourself. There is no timeline for grief. I do feel better over four years later - it’s a sort of horrible blur now.

Sorry for your loss. I lost My dad unexpectedly very recently as well. Genuine question, if you don't mind answering, why do you despise your dad for putting you through this? Is there something more to this? Like you, my life has changed immensely since my dad's death but I don't blame him. My anger about his death is separate to how I feel about him.

Hi,

You have PTSD

This book is good

Helping Your Child with Loss and Trauma: A self-help guide for parents Paperback – 4 May 2023
by David Trickey (Author), Vicky Lawson (Author), Prof Peter Cooper (Editor),

The book explains that when you have a traumatic memory like this, it gets stuck in your amydala. When the memory is triggered you get all the physical sensations as well as the thoughts that go with them. The book says that if you can put those memories into words (speak the or write them) then the memory will move from the amydala to another place in the brain (the cortex I think) and there the brain can process the memories and put them in the bin where they belong.

The key I think is to speak about what you are seeing and keep doing it every time you have the flashbacks. That will get them out of that place in the brain where they are lodged and allow them to disappear. You've made a really great start by writing this OP post.

Separately it would be a great idea to find a clinical psychologist with specific training in treating trauma, because trauma is a really specific thing.

I'm home educating my DS with medical trauma from infancy and I can tell you that it's no damn fun at all to have PTSD. I'm so sorry you're also struggling. It's just terrible to be in that situation.

Another vote to seek counselling for PTSD / CPSTD. I suffered from the same triggers after losing both parents in dreadful circumstances in 2022. Counselling helped, but I actually had more success via exercise / studying and focusing my energy into new pursuits. Be careful with the exercise etc if you suffer from anorexia obviously. I've actually managed to get my disordered eating under control now for the first time in 30 odd years. It can get better.

@Snickerdoodleslobster so sorry for your loss.

I don't have any advice but can relate. I live in New Zealand and my dad died suddenly back home 20 days ago. I had given birth to my first baby 3 days before and couldn't travel for the funeral.

I replay over and over my husband coming into our bedroom carrying our newborn, waking me up and having the awful job of telling me. I called my cousin rather than my step mum thinking it was a mistake and could hear people, including my elderly grandmother, crying and wailing in the background (it was very unexpected and a huge shock). I won't ever forget.

My body and mind has gone into complete shock, I imagine to protect myself. I can't bond with my baby and I just don't know what to do with myself. My GP here has been useless and basically just said 'oh that sounds tough...'

We will travel home in a couple of months and in my mind dad is still there and we are going to visit him. The fact that I am going to see his grave seems like a joke, I have completely dissociated myself from it all. Again, I imagine this is a protection method. He was my everything and we had an incredible bond, I pick up the phone multiple times a day to tell him something.

Sorry I can't help but I just wanted to offer some sympathy and let you know you are not alone in the absolute horror.