You think you are doing ok and then...pain fear tears the whole package

[twentystepsBack]

I thought I'd been making progress. actually went out, met a friend, was feeling better. Then Smack Bang, spent two days crying feeling hugely anxious and scared of the future. Crying now. Feeling so low and alone.

It seems to me this is my natural state - where my body wants to be - feeling horrible and wanting to sob and not wanting to be here and just not wanting this shitty half a life without them in it. The most stupid trivial things set this off but I feel so inadequate and useless - and they were my main person who would tell me I was great and amazing and so talented at everything I tried to do. Now I have no one who thinks like that about me. Right now I don't even like myself.

Not sure why I'm posting really just to say if you are feeling this way I am too.

I know that whatever sorry excuse of a life I manage to stitch together in future which I probably will do as you have to keep living by default there is no joy in my future without them and their love and my love for them. The best will be a laugh here and there and a nice meal out and a good film but no deep deep love and joy. I don't want to live like this and I want to be with them. Death is so vile.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I know there aren’t any words that will help at the moment, you have to feel it all and it’s just so hard. I am on the other side though, and I can promise you that it’s possible to feel joy and true happiness again.

thank you @JellyBreen

I know funcitoning is possible but I feel like it will all be very superficial. and why wouldn't it be. I'll still be grieving and they will still be dead.

I really wish I could just press a button for the exit door as this is just a rancid rotten feeling of not coping without deep love and just the pain of missing them.

I could have written this, my beloved husband passed three months ago. I thought I was doing well, going out, functioning but the last week has been horrendous. I've cried every day, wished him back, shouted at him for leaving me to face this life alone. I've always been a happy, optimistic person but this grief has brought my to my knees. I wish I could make it better for us and everyone else who's grieving but I can't. We have to walk one day at a time but at the moment the future looks very black and lonely. Sending love and hugs to you x

I'm sorry for both of you, it's so hard and nothing makes it better. Losing my Mum has been painful but I know losing my partner would completely destroy me and I don't think I could put myself back together again. Hugs to you both 💚

i could have written your post today. I’ve been managing ok since a loss before Christmas and today it’s really hit me. I’m going to look into counselling now.

@1983Louise -that is so strange as it is exactly the same time for me. 3 months. I wonder if that's a trigger. I know there are certain times that are supposed to be worse - like a week, a month a year and so on. Maybe this one of those things.

I feel everything you have written especially the black and lonely. hugs back to you

thank you @KylieKangaroo for yoru post. it all helps. I think I just want to shout in to the void that it is all so painful and for someone, anyone, to acknowledge I exist, they existed. It's just so awful and I don't want to go to work or do anything.

that's it. I just don't want to do anything but cry and cry and cry.

@Wallawallakoala - I was told if you are so raw in your grief that counselling may not be ideal. I was told to wait 6 months so haven't done anything yet. if you do look into it and get different advice please do post here - I'd be interested.

I've had days when I am alright and like I said thought was progressing well but just have had an awful time of misery and feel going backwards.

The passage of time does help.

Not because it takes away the depth of feeling, but because it is no longer always so immediate or so raw. I don't think there are any shortcuts. But chin up and be brave - the first 20 years are the worst.

And. with tears, I have to say, there is absolutely nothing that helps. You just have to keep going, through thick and thin. And if you're lucky, you'll have friends who will pat your shoulder and stroke your hair when you have abad day years down the line

If you Google grief at three months it explains so much of how we're feeling. Basically the shock and numbness is lessening so we're feeling the loss more. It's perfectly normal to feel like this so we're not going crazy with grief, although it feels like it at times, big hug, let's hope for better days xx

I absolutely will. I also feel like I’m going backwards. People were saying that once the burial was over I’d be able to move on but I really don’t think it’s that simple. We are still dealing with all the practical and admin stuff but it doesn’t seem to distract from the sadness. Especially when I get a minute to myself and I think oh I’ll just call mum or whatever.

it’s awful what you are going through and grief is definitely not linear. I just feel that some counselling now would be helpful even if it’s to set us up for how we feel in 6 months time or whatever.

I’m due to have my first bereavement counselling next week… so that will be interesting

10 months on from ds's suicide I'm having the worst week. I've had to cancel all my plans. Just trying to do small things.

It's 3 months this coming Saturday for me since I lost my DH. I am finding I'm missing him more as time goes on. I have this little Robin, a bit battered and bruised like he was in his final days in hospital that follows me round the garden, I know it's him keeping an eye on me...