is 3.8 too young to go to funeral?

[eleanorsmum]

dh's grandad just died, kinda knew it was coming but still. dd is the only great grandchild and grandchild and i know everyone would lvoe to see her there, but is she too young to deal with it. grannies dog died recently and she dealt with that very well. not the same i know but she's quite advanced with adult company etc. not sure what kind of funeral yet but just wanted others opions, thanks

it depends. i would take my boys to dh's grandparents funeral.

what ages are they?

My children went to the church service for DH's grandmother, but not to the crematorium. The service was after the cremation, so no coffin, and was a lovely celebration of her (long) life.

You will have to prepare dd for the funeral if you decide to take her and be prepared to answer her questions honestly when they arise. My oldest was 2.10 when he went to dw (his mummies) funeral.

Only you can really make the decision, good luck, I hope you make the right choice for you and dd. The experience of grannies dog will help I'm sure. HTH

dd's great grandmother died when she was about 2.5, i didnt take her to the cemetery but did take her to the "gathering" (sorry cant think of the right word for it) afterwards. i think having her there afterwards helped a lot of people, i think she lifted the mood of a lot of my relatives as well as myself. i dont regret not taking her to the cemetery, i dont think she would have been "ready" at that age (but every child is different) how does your dh feel about it?

My sister died when I was just 3 as did my 18mo brother. She was 6 weeks. I can't remember her, but I do remember going to her funeral. We sat with my granny who dealt very well with our loud questions about what was going on and was the baby in the box etc. I think it was probably quite difficult for the adults having us there, but I'm very glad I went and that mum fought for me to go.

You will need to spend a lot of time talking to your DD about it (probably during the funeral itself) but if you think she will cope alright, IME it is a good thing to do.

Sorry, first sentence should say " My sister died when I was just 3 and I went to the funeral as did my 18mo brother. It wasn't that horrible a family tragedy!

my boys are 3.5 and 4.5

We took dd to dh's grandmas and his granny's funeral. She was younger though and didn't really understand what was happening. She has also been to my mums funeral, although she was very very tiny then so wouldn't remember it. TBH she doesn't remember any of them but she was probably 2 1/2 at the last one.
I think I would take her now if it happened again. She is quite grown up (with regard to that sort of thing anyway) and I think it would probably help her deal with it. She always asks about where my mum is (she will never remember her really, but she knows who she is from photos and from us talking about her a lot) and I think it would help her process it better itms.
If you think your dd is mature enough (for her age iyswim) then take her. You can explain it to her in language she will understand.
We have told our dd that her grandma and greatgrandmas are 'sleeping in heaven' and that works for her.

I would take her. We've had threads about this before and a general feeling that people like to see the younger generations there, to see life carrying on (sorry, i'm sure others can put it more eloquently). All my DC have been to various funerals and helped to scatter the ashes of their great grandmother.

I took dd (about 3 at time) to her grandpas funeral. She also saw him when he was basically on his last legs and unconscious (he was at home - she sang to him). She was in no way traumatised by it.

I guess she may not have fully taken much in, but I just tried to explain and answer questions truthfully but in a way appropriate to her age. I don't think death should be a taboo subject.

I did ask whether family wanted her there beforehand and they were all very positive about it. There was no graveside/crematorium bit though.

She did provide a moment of light relief during the service by asking if we "could have twinkle twinkle now" in the lull after a hymn....

EM, I would not take them to the funeral but bring them to the wake afterwards (if there is one)

HTH

i took both of my daughters to my dad's funeral, they were then 3 and 6. I explained what would happen at each place (quiet time in church and at the crematorium, a "party" afterwards with food and drink) and although it was a very very sad day for us, I'm so glad I took them. they are too, i think the "mystery" around such events leaves their minds to wander..

I would take them - having children at a funeral lifts the mood usually I find - especialy if it was an older person. The DSS went to the great grandad's funeral - they were 3.3 and 20m. I had explained to DS1 what was going to happen - he goes to church every week anyway. At the end, when we went out to the graveyard DS1 said "Are we going to go and plant great grandad now?" It was very sweet and entirely appropriate!

I probably wouldn't have taken them to a crematorium TBH

IME children sail through funerals and wakes, and often make things easier for the adults.

I looked after a friend's children, 2 and 4, during their father's funeral, and I think it was important for them. They knew it was a big event to say 'goodbye' to dady, they saw all the peple who came, and during one of their wanders round the church (so much for my 'looking after them' - but I thought 'hey, if THEY can't do what is right for them , who can?') the older one went into the pulpit and gazed at everyone who had come and then looked down into the open coffin and said (chirpily) 'look - Daddy in a cot'.

They weren't disturbed by the funeral - they were devastated by the loss of their daddy. The funeral was something to talk about as part of the 'saying goodbye'.