So it's three years. Why do people think I should be "feeling better"?

[MistressoftheDarkSide]

Lost the love of my life three years ago in January. Unexpected death due to undiagnosed terminal cancer. Utterly savage.

Knock on effects - business failure, house move, drastically reduced income.

All still feels like yesterday.

Have a small - very small and carefully curated - support network, and it's mutual in many ways.

Because I'm economically isolated and cannot afford to socialise in a reciprocal manner, I rarely see many people who I suppose were more acquaintances than friends, but when I do there's often a sense of bafflement that I'm still not living my best life, despite them knowing everything that has happened. I function, reasonably, I care for two cats, I look out for my elderly Dad (and over the last year that's been a whole other bag of "you couldn't make this shit up on multiple levels). I have alot going on emotionally that I barely have time to process, much less divulge to people who pop up after months of zero contact because they have their own shit going on, which i respect.

I don't know what I'm even getting at here, as another "date" looms when people will suddenly remember me because it's DPs birthday, and wonder why I don't respond to well meant messages, but perhaps a bit of reassurance that I'm not wrong, or weird, because I'm probably projecting but I feel as though I'm just a big disappointment in the stoic widow stakes , a sort of embarrassing loose end as it were.

Can anyone relate?

And solidarity to all in the shitty club. ❤️‍🔥

No one can tell you how to grieve. Everyone grieves in a different way and there are no timescales on it.
I’ve never lost a partner, but my mum died many years ago and sometimes still I feel an uncontrollable stab of grief.
Be kind to yourself, ignore and distance yourself from people who don’t understand.

Sorry for your loss. That all sounds difficult but not unusual. Why would you be the merry widow three years down the line? Only someone who doesn’t understand would expect that.

The effects of losing a loved one are multiple, so many ripples, it isn’t just the pain of missing them, it’s all the other things you describe.

It’s almost 6 years since my husband died unexpectedly. It’s not about getting better, I don’t think. You never get ‘better’. For me it’s been about coming to terms with it, and trying to put some semblance of structure and purpose into my life at a time in life when I never expected to have to. 3 years is nothing, so be kind to yourself.

But I think it’s inevitable that those around you, no matter how close, if they haven’t been through the same experience will struggle to understand, and will inevitably ‘move on” (horrible expression) quicker. I just see it as moving forwards, taking the memories and experiences with me. Grief isn’t a competition - and while all terrible in their own way, losing a parent is different to losing a grandparent is different to losing a sibling is different to losing a child is different to losing a partner/spouse. None are better or worse - just different.

When my dad died my stepmum said a friend of hers who’s also lost her husband said it took 4 years to feel normal.

I reckon it was at about the 5 year mark when my stepmum seemed to come out of the fog of it all and things didn’t seem to raw for her.

It’ll be 7 years this year. It still hurts us all (my dad had a short but horrific cancer diagnosis) and I’ve always said that there’s two aspects of the whole thing - one is the trauma of what happened and the other is the actual loss. In my experience (and I appreciate that grieving for a parent is different to grieving for a partner/spouse), the trauma part fades a bit, but the loss stays around.

Ultimately there’s no right timing or duration op.

Hang in there.

It sounds absolutely awful OP. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Can I ask how old are you? How old was your DP when he passed away?

Thank you all so much for the replies - it means the world to have a safe space to talk in.

We were both 52, exactly one month apart in age. Together 11 years, and having navigated his Mum's Alzheimers (I inherited her as we are both only children - she's end stage in a home) and my Mum's death from cancer in 2020, we were finally getting our shit together.

I seen a post on social media yesterday that said " yes I'm STILL grieving because I STILL love them and they are STILL gone". Thought it was quite a good way to think about it. I'm sorry for your loss.

Oh OP, it’s been so awful for you. Not just the cruelty of the death itself but the aftermath, you must feel like your world collapsed.

I lost my lovely mum two years ago and I don’t always let myself feel the pain which I know is wrong. But my body does - classic trauma response - aching joints and huge flare of of skin condition each time I come to an anniversary.

You've been through a huge traumatic life changing loss, as well as multiple life changing occurrences as a result of that. Of course it will still feel raw, and anyone that cannot see that just hasn't experienced a lost devastating enough that it will change your life forever, and you will never be the same again. But they just do not understand and hopefully never will because you wouldn't wish that on anyone. A loss that huge is incredibly isolating, because so few people you know in real life will really understand the impact of that. You may function in life, but you haven't recovered. You haven't had a chance to recover when it's been one thing after the other in quick succession...
I don't have any advice on how to handle these interactions, but I'm sending you love x

We all grieve in different ways.

Some people do 'move on' much more quickly than others, so friends and acquaintances don't always quite understand those who are still finding life a struggle, especially if it is several years and their lives have carried on regardless.

@MistressoftheDarkSide
I'm so sorry to read your post. Some people can really be so unfeeling and thoughtless. There are no guidelines for how long someone needs to grieve and how long it takes them to come to terms with their loved ones passing. Look after yourself and don't let others' views on bereavement upset you.

Aww that’s no age. Life can be so cruel at times. The rug would have been ripped from beneath your feet and never to be the same again. Losing your partner, best friend, the person that knows you best and then there are the financial implications that go along with it. It’s such a traumatic loss as it wouldn’t be expected so young. It’s not fair, you’ll feel robbed of the future you had together envisioned.

My mum passed away in her mid fifties (20 plus years ago) and about 6 months afterwards, it felt like people forgot. I realise they aren’t going to be feeling the way I did but it felt very isolating as no one could relate.

I remember a few years later when a friend lost her Mum and I reached out and said I can understand. She was happy to have someone that had been through the same and that’s what she said, it’s like people think after a few months “Right onwards
and upwards”

I know our situations aren’t exactly the same but they’re not usual. Most people don’t pass away mid 50’s and that’s where the injustice is

I was also widowed 5 years ago. OP are you starting to feel like you’ve come out the woods? I hit rock bottom about 18 months after the death. Coped well until then and managed to get us through covid before hitting a brick wall. I certainly started to really move forward and to put the past behind me (move house etc) after about 3 years.

5 years in I still have my moments but I’m ok and generally pretty happy

If you’re not feeling any better at all at the 3 year mark then it might be worth getting some support.

I was strongly of the view that I have only 1 life and I’ll not live it in misery but it’s extremely unique how one deals with these situations.

52 is so young. Big hug. My husband was 48, and we were only a year or so apart. 6 years on I can believe how different my life is. He’s not here, I’ve moved, I no longer work, I’ve even started to change the furniture 🤣. But daily I’ll wonder what he’d thinks about whatever change it is that I’ve made. Some he’d agree with, others not….

But I have to do what best for me - and you should do what’s best for you. A pp mentioned a 5 year milestone, and I’d agree that round about then I definitely mellowed. The memories were less raw, and I didn’t have to hold back tears every time I started to talk about him. I still find it unbelievable that I will almost certainly have to live for longer without him (since he died) than I did with him. In the early years it used to bother me that, at some point in the future, I might start to forget things about him. But now I am more certain every day that that won’t be the case now. It’s the things like not being able to talk to anyone about the shared memories, because they only meant anything to the two of us, that are still tough.

But I can honestly say it does get easier. Not better. But easier. A friend said to me, early on, that grief is like glitter. It keeps turning up in the most unexpected places years later. And that’s very true I think. xx

I am so sorry about your partner passing away three years ago @MistressoftheDarkSide and everything that you have been going through since then. 💚

My dad passed away in November, which I know is not the same as losing a spouse or partner, but I do feel that there are people already thinking I should feel better now or be 'over it'. You never get better or get over it, but you learn to cope.

We all grieve in different ways and have different lifestyles. You feel the way you feel and shouldn't feel guilty or bad about that.

Unfortunately, there will always be insensitive people when it comes to bereavement!

OP, I'm 8 years into widowhood. It's taken me this long not to think about my DH every three minutes. It's more like three times a day now, unless there's an obvious trigger. But I still find myself standing with silent tears in a supermarket isle or on other random occasions. Other people really don't "get it" and they never will. And yes, you do become a social pariah. For years and years we were Jenny and John, kind of one entity - and it was that entity and balance that friends felt comfortable with. Now we're just "Jenny" and not the same thing anymore. We're the left over bit of a double act. That's how I've found it anyway and many (if not most) other widows have too. Sending you love, it isn't a club I'd recommend to my worst enemy.

I lost my husband suddenly when he was 51. We had a six and hour year old.
But I'm but sure I understand - are you not replying to messages because you don't feel you can? 'Living your best life' - what does that mean? I carried on, grieving of course, but still had to get the kids to school etc. Yes had to sell family home quickly. And yes lost many friends. But I have not shut myself away. Is that what you mean? For years people asked about 'getting back out there' in terms of dating (like sure there's a line of men just waiting to date a woman in her late 40s with two primary aged kids). They don't now thank goodness. But no one is expecting me not to still miss him terribly or do anything other than what I am doing.

It does get easier in most ways but it gets harder in others especially when I see the children grow up and know he will never be there to share it and he’s not there to guide them. We are still very close to his family and that keeps that bond

my loss is less for me. It’s for the children. I do miss him, I miss that my life has been turned upside down and all the plans and dreams we had are gone.

As a person though, I can deal with it. I was lucky to have him but my life isn’t on hold. It’s a good life, not the one I would have chosen, imagined or wanted but nevertheless it’s a good and happy one

Not dh but adult ds died suddenly 4 months ago. I had coffee with a work colleague yesterday who told me she didn't want me to talk about him as it was too morbid.
I'd made no reference to his death,just talking about him as a person.

Wow I'm so sorry to hear that! Her response was cold hearted and cruel, especially when your loss is still so incredibly fresh and raw. How dare she!!
Talk about your son any time you want to, don't let anyone make you feel like you shouldn't...

I would have had to tell her how incredibly unkind and unsupportive she was. I'm furious on your behalf!