Am I being unreasonable, or should people just respect my wishes?

[Ddclub20255]

My dad passed away suddenly at 48 while on holiday. He had a girlfriend of six years who lives outside of London. There will be two one-hour viewings of his body.

Now, my family—particularly his sister—wants a "family friend" to attend one of the viewings. But I’ve never heard of this person before, and I feel strongly that only immediate family should be there. No other friends are coming, and his girlfriend also feels strongly that it should be a personal and intimate moment, not for anyone random.

It’s being branded as a "family friend," but I just find it strange that I’ve never met her, and no one really knows her except for his sister and a few others—yet they claim they grew up together. I also know my dad wouldn’t have wanted people just turning up like this.

I’ve already expressed my feelings, but I’m being met with resistance. Am I overreacting, or is it reasonable to want this to be private?

I agree with you. It's awful that your dad died and shocking that someone wants to rock up to view his body when she's not anything to do with him.

sorry for your loss OP, your dad is gone before his time

I wonder if you don’t know anything about this person because she is an ex from his younger years so not mentioned? Absolutely no reason to agree but might explain why this person wants to view

Where is your mom in all this ?

I'm sorry that your dad had died so suddenly, it sounds absolutely shocking.

I can't say whether having only immediate family for viewing is appropriate or not, given that everyone has different cultures and traditions, as well as different wishes and personal preferences.

I do know that deaths in the family have a horrible way of either bringing people closer together, or blowing a family further apart, usually along fracture lines which have been there along time.

You're grieving, and even worse than that, it's very very early days, all I'd say is try not to focus on what you know right now, but on how you would like relationships and memories of this time to be in 5 years, and then act in the best interest of your future self. It's advice that's guided me through two horrible funerals, and helped me decide which arrangements were truly worth standing ground for.

Thank you. Yes so my mum and dad split up many years ago when I was younger and I have the same feeling that's why I don't know her. My mum agrees with me and it's opened up questions relating to fidelity etc. Things I know sounds dramatic but things I should not be thinking about leading up and on the day of the viewing.

Thank you that's really lovely advice. I just know on the day of my dad's viewing I would prefer not to have all of these thoughts or get less time with him. It's also a very personal moment and i don't want people I don't know at all to be there. Also if it is something or was, out of respect for his girlfriend. Family fine but family friend is just very strange to me.

I'm sorry for your loss.
Stick to your guns, especially when it's in line with GF's wishes.
My DB was a teenager when he died. It was unbelievable the amount of grief vampires who crawled out of the woodwork.

I in think you need to go back to your aunt and say that this person can’t really be called a family friend when she’s never met his adult daughter, his partner of 6 years or his ex wife. That you as his child and his partner would like to keep this to just family, but of course the mystery family friend would be welcome at the more public funeral.

I think close people only, be it family or friends who need closure.
Randomers, acquaintances, distant extended family then no.

Sorry for your loss. So your DFs sister is the only person who knows this "family friend"? That's very odd and I'd expect more of an explanation from aunt as to the relationship with "friend" and why they want to come to the viewing? Random friends are a no-no IMO, but maybe there's a back story?

Hmmm. At my friend's dad's funeral his "friend " came to the wake along with her two adult kids .

It caused an awful lot of upset for the daughters and mother he was still married to at time of death .

They should probably find a way to grieve that doesn't intrude on others, the same way they presumably saw him in life .

I agree with you, immediate family only. If she needs to say goodbye she can do it at the funeral when I presume his body won’t be visible. Sorry for your loss OP

if there are 2 viewings then surely aunt and friend can go to one, gf and op and those who think like them can go to the other surely

2 one hour viewings - if it was my dad I’d be at both of them, this time won’t ever happen again. OP may not plan to attend both (who knows) but many would.

I wouldn’t like that either. It seems very intrusive. If none of you know her apart from your Aunt, I find it weird that this woman would want to view a body. It’s such a personal moment for you all too where you will want to be free to express your emotions safely without a stranger.
Even if she was more than a “friend”, she chose her path, if she was unknown to you when he was alive, then she should remain that way now he has passed away.
Sorry for your loss 💐

Yes I definitely plan to be at both and it sounds greedy but I couldn't dream of not going to both. Thank you for your comment.

Thank you for this. I couldn't have put it better myself. It definitley feels intrusive.

Not greedy at all, if it were me I wouldn’t be anyone else. Even if I didn’t feel compelled
to see him both times I’d want to sit with him for these final parts of his journey.

@Ddclub20255 : we had similar with my FiL, a ‘friend’ who his (very ill, in a home) wife didn’t know! Some people are beyond vulgar

I suggest either;

• relaying to your dads sis that an unknown friend is not welcome: and be very firm

OR: 1 viewing for you, the girlfriend, your mother & family (where you have a calm atmosphere you control), the other viewing for your dads siblings/friends /randoms - and let his sister deal with that one. There will be pasts of life/friends from before you were born so maybe that would be better

Having been through this (viewing) with my own parent, it’s difficult and draining, once is enough really

I agree with others:

Dear aunt, as neither I nor dad's partner know who this person is, we don't consider her a facility friend and therefore agrees but welcome at the viewings which will be for family only. Please don't ask me to reconsider. I will think about whether she will be welcome at the funeral and let you know.

Then just repeat if she asks again. It's very odd that you didn't know about this person and that your aunt is pushing this.

In that case, you're right, it is a wholly unwelcome distraction at a very distressing time, and close family need time and space to process.

People usually respect this, once it's made clear. If not, funeral directors are very good at directing that it is a private viewing at discretion of next of kin family member.

A 'family friend' in my mind would be someone you'd have met at some point in your life. The fact you, your Dad's girlfriend or your own Mum, have never met this woman, is odd. Equally, even if she is a family friend your Dad hadn't seen for many years, I'd have thought the name would have cropped up in conversation over the years. You'd have recognised the name, from your Dad's conversations, even if you'd never met her. The viewing of a body, is usually a private gathering of immediate family, and in some circumstances very close friends. In this instance, the name is unfamiliar, and no one other than your Aunt (and possibly a few extended family members) have never met her. This person isn't a close friend any longer, and unless there's proper explanation given by your Aunt to say exactly who this person is, and why no one knows or have met her, then, no she's not welcome at the viewing. She can come to the funeral, like everyone else. It's an odd request from your Aunt, with very little explanation. My gut feeling is that this woman, is probably an ex girlfriend from his youth, possibly a first serious girlfriend.

I'm sorry about your loss @Ddclub20255

I wonder if this is about a difference in culture, where this friend comes from a culture where viewing of the departed person is much more of a community wide thing, and they may feel that going would be a way of showing respect and not realising they would be causing upset.

If you speak to your funeral director they can help you handle this. I had to limit viewings on my mother in law, her ex husband and the so called best mate he left her for wanted to view. Funeral director had a list of who was welcome and who wasn't. Saved me the stress on the day. So sorry for your loss x

Hope all went well OP. My DH’s funeral directors put a password on him when a member of my family was insisting a viewing which both myself and his children decided we didn’t want.

anyone who wished to speak to them regarding the funeral needed the password.

If she must come, perhaps five minutes would be a compromise.