Feeling guilty

[Justadj1305]

My mum passed away middle of December. She had a hereditary, progressive disease called Huntington's. She was diagnosed over 30 years ago and her life expectancy was 10 years max. She lasted 30 years from diagnosis. It took forever to arrange her funeral, due to family members not releasing the will to myself and my sisters, also moving her to a different county. We had the funeral on Tuesday this week. I don't feel I've really digested the fact that she's gone. I have cried, broken down, cried at the funeral etc. But I'm concerned that I don't really feel any different. It was suggested to me that because she'd been ill for so long, that maybe I'd come to terms with her death before it happened, and that I probably grieved before she passed. I'm just worried because I'm a single mother and I don't want to have it hit me out of nowhere and be unable to function. Advice welcomed

Everyone grieves in their own way. In your heart you love your mum, no reason to feel guilty. My mum died after a long period of ill health and I felt like you. I also had young children and was a single mum. I think you do ready yourself for their passing but you are also incredibly busy. I didn't have a sudden hit of grief, more of a slow burn that I still feel though less intensely many years later. Take care and don't be hard on yourself.

The funeral has only just happened OP.
It is a normal reaction to feel frozen afterwards.
When you have cared for so long, your body becomes exhausted afterwards. And then it can just feel frozen because you have a new normal to cope with.
When someone has a long illness like this you will have grieved over the same amount of time. You lose the person you love in increments.
I can understand your concerns but please try not to worry. You have really loved and cared for your mum and done a fantastic job.
Grief is a personal experience and is different depending on the circumstances for each person.
Keep your mum’s memory close to you. Talk about her with your siblings, in terms of remembering lovely times you shared. Write about her. Try when you can to have moments of enjoyment in your day.
In terms of practical issues like her will, take your time and work with your sisters.
Having lost both of my parents I can tell you it really does get easier with time. There may be moments when you feel you are falling apart, but they pass. Try and plan some things you enjoy doing with your children, friends and family.
A week after my mum died I found a letter she had left me in a place only I would find it. Maybe the message will help you:
’My beautiful daughter, I am leaving you a signpost. It says ‘happiness and joy are here for you, follow this way’. Think of me often, and remember all of the wonderful memories we have shared. When you need to read this again, but then all I want for you is to close this letter, keep it somewhere safe, and enjoy your day and your life. It is all I wish for you - happiness and joy.’
I bet your mum would say the same to you.

However you react emotionally to a bereavement is ok, and you have nothing to feel guilty about.

It could well be that you had already grieved to some extent. The opposite could also be true: the long trauma of her very challenging illness could have caused you to dissociate a little bit and become slightly numb to all of the sadness and anxiety, preventing you from beginning to process her death.

And there could be any number of other factors that shape the course of your grief. It is a strange process with a lot of hidden tides.

In addition to feeling guilty, your post also mentions a fear that you might suddenly be hit by delayed grief and become unable to function. I don't think you should worry that your current rather numb state is evidence that your grief will take this course. There are so many different ways it could go.

One direction is just a continuation of 'not feeling different'. I have kept on waiting for nearly five years for an end to the confused abstraction and numbness I have felt in response to a very traumatic bereavement. It hasn't come, though I longed for it. My numbness has made me feel very very guilty over the years. But I am better now at accepting the irrationality of the guilt.

It is such early stages for you. I would just give yourself permission to 'be' , however you are. Don't rush ahead, in your mind, just surrender to time

Sorry for your loss

You've likely been ready for this loss for a long time, not saying it won't hit you out of the blue one day. But you've had time to prepare, so I'm guessing it hadn't come as that big shock to you.
Take each day as it comes. Remember there is no right or wrong way to feel when you grieve, everyone is different.

I had a similar experience when my mum died. She had a number of chronic conditions and chose not to accept further treatment. She was at peace with her decision and her death was a release. I was obviously very sad when she died, but within weeks felt a kind of calm acceptance about it. Friends warned that grief would hit me later, but twenty years on my feelings haven't changed.

My Mum had MS as well as other medical conditions and also well out lived her life expectancy and we had many calls in the previous years of you need to come to the hospital because this the end, but it wasn’t.

For me there was a lot of anticipatory grief and guilt that my life was easier but now my Dad needed more support. For my sibiling it was very different and she really struggled day to day through the first 6 months.

For me and for everyone grief comes in waves. The run up to Christmas, mother’s day, her birthday were all tricky. I cried a little in the car because I missed her a couple of weeks ago and that was a year and half after her death. I feel sad and have a few tears when I hear the song we played at the end of her funeral but that mentions happier days and I think I am more sad for the parent I lost a long time ago and sad for me whose parent started slipping away when I was 9.

There has been no big crash of grief for me yet and I don’t think there will be.

My mum died 30 years ago, suddenly, aged 56, so the first emotion for me was shock. Then anger, sadness, guilt, etc.
It's all perfectly normal. As a pp said, everyone grieves differently. Your shock maybe already happened when she was diagnosed and now the other hurdles of grief are occurring.
I'm sorry for your loss. It takes time and you never really 'get over it', you just learn to live with it 💔

I really agree with this post. My grief was a lot of initial crying followed by intermittent moments that I’m still having over two years later - usually over something small like a song on the radio.

you loved your mum, she knew that. Your grief is your own to play out how it will OP.