Can't process Dad's death...feel so numb...and guilty

[CanIbeRio]

Dad had mild dementia and had a stroke in the summer which left him unable to walk. After the best part of 2 months in hospital he was discharged home to my elderly, frail mum with maximum care package in place - 2 carers 4 times a day.

Don't know if it was dementia fuelled, but his mental health declined and he fell into a depression, unable to accept what had happened. He was a proud man, dignity gone, carers aiding his personal care was something he couldn't accept or deal with....mum couldn't do it as she was too frail to manoeuvre him and his dignity wouldn't let me help. Told mum he wanted to die and stopped eating. We put him into a nursing home 3 weeks before he died in the hope they could get him to eat and turn things around...not to be.

We visited every day. I took my frail mum but only fir an hour or so a day and it's torturing me I didn't stay longer and sit with him for longer. He was non verbal by this point....I couldn't work out what he wanted, he was agitated a lot of the time, looked far from peaceful....became skin and bone and it was truly awful to witness the decline towards death over the last 2 weeks of his life. My mum is 87 and it was tough on her. An hour was all she could do. I also just wanted to run away as I couldn't cope either with what I was witnessing. He passed without any family there...it was the only day we didn't visit.. I asked the home to let us know when his passing was imminent as my brother and I wanted to be there but they never called. I'm traumatised... I feel so sad I let him down in his final weeks. .although i visited every day, held his hand, kissed his brow, told him I loved him....was it enough? Thinking of the time he was alone tortures me. My poor Dad.. I'm heartbroken. I just don't think it was enough....and I can put it right 😪

Thanking all of you who have posted since I last checked in. Your posts are greatly appreciated and have valuable advice and insight. I'm so glad I posted as it has been truly helpful in showing me I shouldn't feel guilty.
@crinkletits you haven't at all spoken out of turn - that's a lovely observation and I thank you for it. Yes, Dad had made his mind up and saw it through, probably to spare us as well as himself.
@YellowRollercoaster I did think I might be angry...I was at him for leaving us like he did, but I don't blame him. It has been hard looking after them and from the minute he had his stroke yo him passing was a hellish 4 months
Sorry to you @Spareincoming for your similar loss

i just wanted to add OP that it’s easy to feel guilty after the death of a loved one that you didn’t do more, or less or just do it differently but you have to remember that’s with the benefit of hindsight.

You didn’t know when your Dad was going to die, and if you had you might well have made slightly different choices. But you couldn’t and didn’t know and therefore you did your best to make the right decisions every day during that time, not only for your Dad but your Mum too, whilst also coping no doubt with a huge amount of stress and sadness. Absolutely nothing to feel guilty for. You sound like a loving and lovely daughter. Sending you hugs and strength at such a horrible time xxx

Thank you @Biscuitburglar ....another lovely, much appreciated post which adds to the support I've had here...what you have said gives me a lot of comfort