Can't process Dad's death...feel so numb...and guilty

[CanIbeRio]

Dad had mild dementia and had a stroke in the summer which left him unable to walk. After the best part of 2 months in hospital he was discharged home to my elderly, frail mum with maximum care package in place - 2 carers 4 times a day.

Don't know if it was dementia fuelled, but his mental health declined and he fell into a depression, unable to accept what had happened. He was a proud man, dignity gone, carers aiding his personal care was something he couldn't accept or deal with....mum couldn't do it as she was too frail to manoeuvre him and his dignity wouldn't let me help. Told mum he wanted to die and stopped eating. We put him into a nursing home 3 weeks before he died in the hope they could get him to eat and turn things around...not to be.

We visited every day. I took my frail mum but only fir an hour or so a day and it's torturing me I didn't stay longer and sit with him for longer. He was non verbal by this point....I couldn't work out what he wanted, he was agitated a lot of the time, looked far from peaceful....became skin and bone and it was truly awful to witness the decline towards death over the last 2 weeks of his life. My mum is 87 and it was tough on her. An hour was all she could do. I also just wanted to run away as I couldn't cope either with what I was witnessing. He passed without any family there...it was the only day we didn't visit.. I asked the home to let us know when his passing was imminent as my brother and I wanted to be there but they never called. I'm traumatised... I feel so sad I let him down in his final weeks. .although i visited every day, held his hand, kissed his brow, told him I loved him....was it enough? Thinking of the time he was alone tortures me. My poor Dad.. I'm heartbroken. I just don't think it was enough....and I can put it right 😪

** can't put it right

Please be kinder to yourself and try to stop feeling guilty. Your dad would not have wanted that, I doubt he would have wanted you to be watching him decline either. Mist people would prefer their loved ones remembered them at their best, not their worst.

Thank you @POTC ....that may well have been Dad's thinking....that gives me some comfort, thank you for posting

Oh bless you. Wish I could give you a big hug. It sounds like you did a lot to be honest. My beautiful mum died during covid times ... we weren't allowed to be with her as she lay dying, so i empathise as i understand how painful that is. Your dad was a proud man you say. He clearly didn't want you to have to care for him, despite the fact you are clearly a loving family. There is no comfort I can give, other than to remember the love and happy times you all shared. Your grief is so raw right now but I'm a few years down the line and I am sure that one day you remember your dad in better times and not his final weeks. Be kind to yourself, you sound like a lovely daughter x

I believe a lot of loved ones actually ‘wait’ to go when their family is not around.
I’m sure my dad did that.

I always told him it’s ’ok To let go’.

Go easy on yourself. You showed him how much you loved him.
Be there for your mum, together, your grief will ease, and you will have happy memories.

Thank you @Tinytemper22 . I'm so sorry to hear about your Mum...to lose a loved one during the restrictions of Covid must have been so hard. Your kind words have given me some comfort, so thank you for taking the time to post. I do need time to process it and also to be kinder to myself. I'll try and work in that

I've heard that @OssieShowman ....that would be Dad, wanting to protect us from that trauma. Yes, helping Mum us my focus. Thank you

I used to work in dementia care, and end of life care. @OssieShowman is right, it is a very common thing for people to wait until their loved ones leave the room before passing. In their lucid moments my early stage dementia clients would all say that they didn't want their families to see them like this, and that they felt guilty about their family suffering. From everything you have said it sounds very much like this was how your dad felt and I'm certain that he would have been pleased you weren't spending all your time there. What you and your mum did was more than enough

Bless you @POTC ... what wonderful work you did. That does resonate with me...Dad had made his mind up he wanted to go. I recall Mum got so tearful and begged him to start eating again so he could "come back to her " and he grimaced as if to say, please don't say that I feel guilty but...I have to go. Utterly heartbreaking.

OP I am sorry for your loss and all the difficult feelings you are having.
Just before my mother died (she was in hospital for a few weeks), her doctor took me aside as I was there nearly all day, every day. The doctor knew Mum's death was imminent, and she said "Don't be surprised or alarmed if when you pop out to go to the loo or get a coffee or whatever, you come back to her room and find she has slipped away in that short time. Some people don't want their nearest and dearest there when they go". It is quite possible this could have been your DF's wish too, after all the days you spent there. He knows you cared about him, that is what should comfort you now. Sending hug, please don't beat yourself up. 💐💐

Thank you @GreenCandleWax ....I'm sorry for your loss. Writing this all down and receiving these lovely supportive posts have really helped me. Thank you for posting

We sat with my sister for 24hrs waiting for her to go. The hospice had provided us with an extra bed and reclining chairs. She waited until we had all dropped off (we were pretty exhausted). It was only my DS texting me as I was dropping off, he had been unwell all day and was just worried about his symptoms ( he’s at uni and is never ill) that meant I noticed her breathing slow down. Otherwise she would have died while we were all asleep.
People slip into a deep unconscious state before they die, your dad would not have been aware that he was on his own. It would have been peaceful and you didn’t let him down. You were there when he was stil conscious which would have been far more important.
During the last 24hrs we worried everytime we left the room but realised that during that time she had not been conscious. She may have been aware of us but there was no sign that was the case.
As long as he had a peaceful death you didn’t let him down, your did your utmost to be with him every day. You probably told him you loved him, held his hand, helped him eat.
Even if the care home had contacted you, if his heart had failed quickly you may not have made it in time.
The same thing happened to my FIL, massive stroke, 18mnths with care at home then he went into a care home for 2 wks respite. He died in the middle of the night of a heart attack. The home were not expecting it and MIL had to remind them there was a DNR before the paramedics that had arrived started CPR. She didn’t get there in time but he had had a wretched last 18 mnths of life.

My Dad had terminal cancer then COVID and died 'alone' in hospital. I'd been visiting every day but he was out of it and drugged up. We didn't particularly try to be there when he died and it doesn't cause us any anguish that he died when we weren't there. He wasn't agitated or in pain so I suppose that helped a lot. Maybe we would have felt differently if he had of been.
I don't feel guilty about anything. I don't know if I should but I don't.

Please don't feel guilty it's hard enough as it is. I'm so sorry for the loss of your wonderful father and it sounds like you did everything you could to be there for him, including taking your Mum x

Thank you all....the kindness, empathy and understanding of strangers has touched me and honestly helped me a lot. I do feel less guilty....I did try my best for Dad I hope he knows that. Thank you all if you x

I’m so sorry to hear of the loss of your dear father. It sounds like you did absolutely everything you could to show him he was loved, and he would also have been aware you and your Mum were supporting each other when you saw him together. I imagine that gave him great comfort.

My DF would tell us to go home after an hour or two of visiting when he was unwell in the weeks leading up to his death. He was tired and also needed to just be said. It made me think of my desire to sit with him all day and realise it was ok to give him space and not be there all day, every day. I think many people don’t want their family to be around constantly when they are unwell. Your Dad will have taken comfort from your visits.

I also think there is so much truth in hearing how many people pass away when family pop out of the room etc. I spent the 48 hours prior to my DF’s death at his bedside, despite the fact he was asleep/likely unconscious, and he still managed to slip away when I nipped out the room for 2 minutes.

I hope time brings you some comfort in knowing how much you supported your Mum through this, how much your Dad will have taken comfort in your visits and known he is loved, and that you did everything you could in a very challenging situation.

Thank you @Earlydarkdays . I am sorry you have also lost a dear Dad. I really appreciate your post in adding your voice to the previous posters and echoing that I Dad would have appreciate my love and support. Thank you x

You sound like a truly lovely devoted daughter. I am sure your dad would be so proud of you and how much you have done for him.
don’t beat yourself up OP, give yourself time to grieve.

@Porkyporkchop thank you for your lovely words x I am taking it all on board and am going to be kinder to myself

No your dad had dementia, when dementia progresses it causes the person to stop eating.
I work every day with dementia patients in a clinical setting. You haven't done anything wrong.

Look at your own words. You visited him every day, kissed him, told him you loved him. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
A 24 hour bedside vigil is almost impossible
I missed my dear Mum's passing by about 1 minute. I know she wouldn't want me to feel bad about that. My heart was in the room with her.

I'm really glad you've taken the advice on board or starting to, there's no magic wands I know. I obviously don't know your dad but there's a touch of admiration for him your story brings out. It's very very sad but he went on his terms by the sounds of it. I've wasted a lot of time and MH on beating myself up about my dad's slow decline and eventual death and now I look back and think it was so misplaced. You have no blame in your father's passing and should carry no guilt. I hope I haven't spoken out of turn regarding feeling admiration for your dad deciding his own path.

It sounds like he was in natural end of life, having witnessed this multiple times he likely wouldn't have been aware of you visiting if you had gone on the final day. You probably helped your mum by her not seeing him like that too.

Generally the final day people aren't even properly conscious, and if they are it's usually intermittent and not in a way to be aware of their surroundings.

@CanIbeRio my DF was similar, he had a terminal diagnosis and his quality of life had significantly declined. So he decided to stop eating and take matters into his own hands as it were. He was in hospital and hospice care for his last few weeks. In his last days he wasn’t lucid at all, but was pain free and he died alone, 30 minutes after my eldest sibling, who lives abroad, had made it to see him.
From the moment he told me he was ending it on his terms, I truly believe he understood his decision - he wanted to go, and I very much think wanted to be alone when he left us.
My job was to make sure the window was open after he’d gone.

This is all less that 6 months ago for me, and I take strength in knowing Father went on his terms.

Sorry you are going through this. The thing that lept out for me is that you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. You did your very best in a loving and caring way and yours sound like a lovely family.

I was wondering the guilt you feel might be another side to anger... its an emotion we often supress that comes out in the feeling of guilt but its ok to be angry. Angry about the cruel illnesses that took your Dad from you, anger about the nursing home not being able to recognise your Dad was in his final hours, anger that you're mum is unwell too.

The death of a parent is always going to be the worst times, look after yourself and keep going, don't be afraid of all the emotions and numbness because eventually these feelings will helping you towards acceptance. Do what you need to do right now, rest, sleep, eat, go on a walk, be alone, socialise, work, whatever it is you need to do.