Friends child just died

[Greensnow]

Hello,
I am looking for some advise on how to behave around my friend.My friend is a friend I have had for about 6 years, so not really an old friend.We have been socialising quite a lot, so getting quite friendly.Her young adult child has just died in an accident.
Please bear with me, I feel really terrible about the whole thing myself.( I feel really low now, how quickly life can change, how she told me, the sadness of it all, keeps going through my head.)
I want to be supportive, I feel really bad for her, and I suppose I am also a mother and it's my worse nightmear, something like this.She has no other children.
Has anyone else been a support for someone in this situation.

My nephew died suddenly and yes, horrific describes it.
Seeing people thrown onto that awful journey. Be there, now and in the future.

How awful. @PromoJoJo is right about practical help. In a day or so taking ready prepared food round can be a real help, a casserole or lasagne or something, because cooking is the last thing on anyones mind and noone will be doing it, but she needs to eat. Other than that, even a brief text checking in and offering to do anything needed is the right thing to do, if you can.

My best friend's child died at similar age. It was horrific to be honest. The most important thing you can do is stay in touch with her, talk to her, don't avoid the subject. My friend told me people would cross the street to avoid having to say hello to her. She knew it came from a fear of death and fear of saying the wrong thing or experiencing her emotion but it was deeply hurtful to her - as if there was something wrong or infectious about it.

The Compassionate Friends https://www.tcf.org.uk/ is a wonderful charity that supports bereaved parents and their families - perhaps you could tell her about them.

Offer practical help and deliver it
say their child’s name
comfort them
don’t say you’re sorry

I sent my friends who lost their child some vouchers for a place like Cook.

Anything I could do to ease some of the pain.

Also I sent messages daily, with instructions to tell me to stop if too much. To reply if they wanted, and to ignore if they felt like it.

Ok this happened to my grandparents. They remembered for the rest of their lives who showed up. Most people were terrified of the loss and stayed away.
So be her friend. Go round, don't wait to be asked. Don't stay if she wants to be alone but otherwise put the kettle on, say you'll empty the dishwasher. Talk about your work, take her to get her hair cut. Say shall we get a coffee.

Frankly her life is more than a bit fucked now. She's lost her only child (which is unimaginably bad). You cannot do anything about that, it's ghastly, but she doesn't have to lose friends and she doesn't have to lose other parts of her life.

Don't try and fix the loss. You can't. She knows you are broken by it too. But you can be her friend. And use her child's name, let her cry about the good memories, mark the birthday, the day she lost them, and for the love of god look after her on effing Mother's Day!

And if there is an inquest, I expect there will be. Show up to that too. Don't ask if she needs you, she does. Show up.

I can imagine it hard to navigate. When my daughter died I just couldn't stand anyone in the house. I didn't want to see anyone other than my husband and kids. I had to be forced to speak to her dad.

Texts and messages were ok because I could get back to them when I wanted but I felt that a lot of them just wanted to know what had happened. It was overwhelming. So many people popped up to support initially, but drifted off once they got the gossip.

The people I remember most are the ones who were consistently supportive in the 12 months that followed. The ones who kept checking in to see if I needed anything or some company. The ones who didn't ask anything of me.

Takes the edge off the ones who dodge into shops when they see you coming.

I'm sorry OP, it's awful. Just don't try to fix it. Just help her sit with it I think.

Yes this. A friend of mine lost virtually all her friends after her only child died. Not just in the immediate aftermath but over the first couple of years - they didn't know what to say or how to say it, or felt they no longer had things in common.
She might cut herself off for a long time, let her know that if she ever changes her mind you'll still be there and keep the lines of communities open: it can be impossible to make the first move after isolating oneself

I lost almost every friend I had after my brother died at 21. I'd have been so pleased if someone had come round and just sat with me. Just being there is the important thing.

I'm so sorry for each of you posting, or even reading here, who've been through the same 🩷

My friend's child died as a baby and my friend likes talking about her several years later - how old she would be now, what she might enjoy and be good at, and what she looked like. Also looking at the baby photos and pointing out how she looks like her mum and dad and siblings.

Definitely add the child's birthday as well as date of passing to your diary.

So just to add to what PPs have said about the short term, to talk about the child in the months and years to come.

When my son was stillborn my friends and family paid for me and my husband to have a weekend away just the 2 of us after the funeral I didn't know how much i needed that head space. But as pp have said just be there you can't take her grief you can just be there with her.

I am a bereaved parent, both my son and daughter died.

Firstly, and I say this kindly, please don't say to your friend anything about it being your worst nightmare, or anything that centres your feelings.

Lots of people do this to bereaved parents, and it puts a lot of pressure on us, are we supposed to sympathise with you, or apologise to you. I get people not being able to grasp the magnitude of such a loss, but the bereaved parent isn't the person to discuss that with.

Also don't try and say anything to make it 'better'. No "s/he's in a better place" or "at least you had them for X years" or anything similar. The best you can do is acknowledge its absolutely shit and there's nothing that will take their pain away. People often want to try and 'fix' things, but this is unfixable.

Message often, but don't require a response, don't get offended if she doesn't reply for a few days, just keep on being there. Not always about her loss either, general chit chat or however you usually communicate is fine.

If you're offering help then be direct, don't say " if you need anything....", ask if you can get them food, or do their shopping or laundry or whatever help you feel you can give.

Don't be offended if she backs away. After my children died I felt more able to be around acquaintances than friends, it's quite a common feeling, this caused great offence to many, and I lost a lot of friends.

Use her childs name, and don't talk about them in hushed tones or feel like it's better if you don't mention them. Also make a note of the date and make sure you acknowledge the birthday and this anniversary, again, using their name.

You're already showing how thoughtful you are by asking here, so I imagine youll be a source of great support💐

Thank you all for your kind heartfelt responses.My friend's child has died in another country and will be brought back.So I will offer to make food if they want it and just listen if needed.Also be understanding if she doesn't want to be friends for now, (or ever) I can understand that.
Thanks for replying, I do just want to help, if I can.
Thanks to the lady who experienced this herself, I do understand there's no fixing this.
Wishing you strength you must be an incredibly strong person to get through this.🌷

My friend lost her adult son last year. She is full of grief and sadness but struggles on every day to try to have some sense of normality.
I arrange to meet her for coffee every week. We talk about her feelings, her son and also other things. It’s important she can talk this way, acknowledging the pain but having some relief from talking about other things too.
Her family are around her and there is little I can do practically but have arranged that in the summer we will sort out a part of her house where her son stored his hobby stuff.
I can’t imagine her pain but hope by acknowledging and listening along with a little distraction I am being supportive.
We all grieve differently and that’s ok.