TW dad dying

[Kattley]

My dad is dying. His body is skeletal. It’s been weeks of this. I know this is going to be up to me ultimately but I don’t know if I want to see him after death. It’s difficult enough to watch him struggling for breath now. I don’t think I want to see him after death but worried I’m going to find it harder to grieve if I don’t have that final closure. I think, for me, it’s awful to see his body as it is now and if I’m honest I’m a bit repulsed by it because it’s not my lovely Dad. Thanks for reading.

I am sorry you are facing this. In similar circumstances with my grandfather I found it a relief to see his body at rest - he had looked so unhealthy and in so much pain that the peacefulness of death without rasping breaths or further discomfort was almost comforting. However, everyone is different so whatever feels right to you at the time will hopefully help you come to terms with the ending as tragic as it is.

Immediately after my dad died I could tell his body was "empty". He died at home and me and one of my sisters felt the same and wanted his body taken away as soon as possible. My other sister wasn't ready and would've liked to have kept him at home for a lot longer. What I'm trying to say is you don't know how you will feel til the time comes so try not to worry about it now. Just do what feels right for yourself when it happens.

I've been a nurse and have seen numerous dead people but with my grandparents I didn't want my last memory to be of them dead. It's very individual there's absolutely no right or wrong

I had the choice of seeing my dad in hospital after he collapsed and died in the street. I chose not to see him so my husband identified him - he had resuscitation tubes/equipment etc so I would have found it very upsetting. I don’t t believe it affected my grieving in any way.
I was with my elderly Mum when she died after an illness and my grieving was similar to my Dads - I felt closure with both of them.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I saw all of my close losses after death. It was not always the right thing to do. If it's immediate, it's different. Visiting a funeral home, a while later, not so much. I regretted seeing my mum. She died at home and was peaceful and had a small smile on her face. Funeral home was another matter altogether. On that basis I declined to go and see my younger brother after his sudden death, particularly as there had been a post mortem.

You don't have to do anything you don't want to. I imagine your lovely Dad won't look very much different at death to how he does now. You can absolutely say goodbye while he is at end of life. He won't want you to be upset by this

There is no benefit to anyone to go and see your father after death unless you want to. I can't say I was pressurised into seeing my mum after she died but there was a certain "you'll regret if it you don't" and also a very subtle 'you would if you cared' vibe.

I just really, really really wish I hadn't. Not horrible, but not good either, wish I hadn't

I didn’t see my mum after she died. Nor did my siblings. I didn’t want my memories of her to include that. No regrets.

I'm sorry your facing this OP. Its totally your decision as to whether you want to see him and this should be respected.
I watched my Dad die from cancer, albeit quickly. He lots so much weight in such a short space of time and looked horrific in the days before he died.
I did choose to see him at the funeral home and he looked so much better. I don't really know how but he just looked less ill and had more of a normal sort of colour. It was a strange experience though and first time I'd ever seen someone. But overall glad I did. However in my case, my mum and my siblings saw him first and assured me that he looked better

I hear you. That is why I was firm when I was asked if I wanted to see my brother. His death was sudden and unfortunately my last sight of him was in ITU on life support but I couldn't bring myself to see him after that. I'd made that mistake before. You did the right thing for you

Thank you everyone for sharing your experience.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I was torn with my mum, I'd been there when she died and it wasn't too bad for an hour or so after.

I kept changing my mind to go to the funeral directors but ultimately decided I didn't want to regret not seeing her one last time, I walked in the room and turned and walked straight back out. I don't regret going as now I won't have any regrets but she didn't look like her. My stepmum I was the same. However, my mother in law passed away two months ago and whilst my DH decided not to go, my fil and sil went twice and said she looked really peaceful and still like her.

when my mum died 2 years ago I thought I wanted to see her body. When it came to it I couldn't, so just my sister went. She showed me photos, but honestly I just wanted to remember her as she was in full health and not the shadow of the person she finally came to be.

And I did get closure without seeing her, same as with my dad

I completely understand, and I'm so sorry you're losing your lovely Dad. I was in your position this time last year and my heart goes out to you. I did choose to see him after he passed, my sibling chose not to. There is no right or wrong to this. You do what feels comforting for you at the time and please don't beat yourself up over either choice. Wishing your Dad a peaceful time ahead and love to you. You will be ok. It's the hardest thing I've experienced but it will be ok.

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP.

Although it is a very personal decision, it may give you some comfort. I recently lost someone very close to me and I had watched them deteriorate in hospital over a 4 week period. They were skeletal, unable to move and could only manage a few words. It was hell.

When I saw them in their coffin, they looked so peaceful - just like their old self. It was lovely to see them that way for their final send off.

Whatever you decide, I'm sending you lots of love