Advice for Not Sleeping, Scared of Bed and Procrastinating Everything in Grief

[CallToAction]

In a bad way with bereavement and grief. I know probably most people here are in a similar situation. It's still early for me but not that early, not the very raw state.

I am still not sleeping and worse going to be bed until very late because I am scared of lying there thinking alone in the dark and fearing the future. When I say late I mean sometimes not trying to sleep until 6.30am. I stay up reading, doom scrolling on the internet anything to distract my mind.

I know this is bad but its almost compulsive. I want to go to bed earlier but can't seem to force myself.

This then makes me feel terrible the next day. It's as bad as having a hang over.

so then I don't do any of the many many many things I need to be doing relating to the death. Its easy to put them off because I am so tired because I don't want to do them.

I am very alone with no social network and no social support which doesnt help.

Any wise words to buck me out of this pit? I just can't seem to make myself go to bed early but I know I need to.

It's so bad - I think this is how it must feel if you have an addiction like alcholism or bing eating or something. That you know you mustn't drink, every day starting thinking 'today is the day I don't drink', have good intentions and then it all goes wrong and you don't manage it. Replace it with 'i know i must not stay up till dawn' and that is me.

I can't keep doing this because I feel terrible all the time but I can't seem to stop.

Please help me if you have been here.

Have a relaxing bath to wind down so you know bedtime is close.

Don’t have any screen time but listen to some relaxation videos on YouTube. I used them when I couldn’t switch my mind off enough to let me sleep.

Getting into bed and having something to listen to might help. You don't have to actively listen but it might just be enough of a distraction to help you fall asleep. An audio book or a podcast? some audio book voices are relaxing to listen to.

Sorry you are going through this it sounds awful and I know you know but a bit more sleep will probably really help you.

thanks . you are right when you say 'you know I know'.

it's now approaching midnight and I'm hanging round here rather than go to bed... urgh.

My DSis was widowed a few years back and struggled to sleep for months after her DH died. She still sleeps with the TV on a very low volume as she finds the sound of voices and music and even adverts soothing, makes her feel less alone. Hope you manage to find your way through this, try and get some sleep soon if you can.

You've got a huge amount of nervous energy. Exercise will help. Walk, cycle, swim, whatever. Movement will help you to process the grief. It also helps with sleep.

@Haroldwilson yes I know exercise would help but no. 1. I can barely get out of bed in the morning/when I wake up as I want to stay in bed under the duvet and pretend none of this is happening and no.2 when I do get up I am exhausted and feel yuk and no.3 I have no motivation to do anything at all. Just activating myself to leave the house to get the death certificate was a mountainous task as an example.

I know all of these are "just excusese" but I suppose that's why I'm here at midnight posting. Is it just about waiting for time to pass until I feel slowly better as it eases? Am I doomed to metaphorically wander the halls at night like some distressed spectre?
@TFthatsover - your post about 'months' sounds like this might be the case.

I wish I could just make myself go to bed right now but I can't face it. I know I will just lie there heart racing and listening to some sleepy podcast that is just not working and worrying about all the things I have to do and havent done and how I dont want to live without them and round and round it goes.

so the easiest thing its to stay up until I'm so exhausted I have to go to bed which is too late.

it's a circle of hell.

I’m sitting here putting off going to bed and I am not bereaved or have any reason at all, I’m just crap. I’m so sorry you are struggling.

One thing that has helped me a little is a microwaveable hot water bottle. It sounds silly but it gives me motivation is get to bed while it’s still warm and I have the comfort.

How about a pact - I am going up in 5 minutes. You too?

@minipie your "I'm just crap " made me smile. I'm just crap too.

I'd like to join your pact but feel I'm not going to uphold my end of the bargain.

I've been like this this evening. I've spent an inordinate amount of time on here and put off going to bed. Sometimes I have the odd night when I scroll literally all night long. It's awful, I know.

What about gentle rain sounds on YouTube on your phone. I often find them helpful.

Hope you get some decent sleep at a reasonable hour and have a better day tomorrow.

You’re not crap, you’re dealing with something really horrible x

I am going to bed after this post so you have helped me even if I haven’t helped you - sorry. Big hug for you and I hope you get some sleep.

@minipie - well helping you is the only thing I've achieved today or yesterday if you are technical about midnight! that's a good thing.

@fixingmylife rain doesn't really work for me - I prefer talking but if I am in a very heart pounding mode it just doesn't work. I can feel my mind not engaging.

Maybe I will go to bed now - @minipie is inspiring me. even by 1am would be a big improvement.

Yes - It’s important to think “every little helps” rather than “well tonight’s a write off anyway”.

Now I really am going to bed…
x

After my stepdad passed my mum was the same. She would go through the motions badly. I think she got some huge pillows at first to comfort her, and routinely said goodnight to my stepdad. I bet exercise would help massively, swimming definately. I also pray. I know that seems bizarre, I pray every night to my stepdad and loved ones who’s passed, it’s like I’m talking to them. I bought my mum a grief journal from Amazon or Etsy too. That helped. Also the box set me before you, I thought it would help her get her emotions out, I hope this helps.

Gentle audiobook, preferably something you’ve read before so no surprises?
This is how I get to sleep generally.

@minipie it was 2am for me so not great but not terrible.

@Cakeandcoffee93 why do you say swimming definitely? cold and wet!

what is before you about? don't want to google in case it's death related!

I found tv (the same series) helpful to sleep after dd died. Hope you get some sleep tonight.