My Grandad is dying and I'm stressing about what to say to DS...

[suzi2]

I feel so awful for worrying about this while my grandad is still with us. But we know he's dying and know it's likely to be fairly soon. And I can't help worry about what I say to DS (2.9) about it all. He's picked up that his G Grandad is ill I think. But no more than that.

He visits him fairly regularly and talks about him a lot. So I'm going to have to say something.

oh I am sorry. When my mum diies I just toild dd who was 2.10 at the time. I told her my mum had died and was with Jesus in heaven. Not ure that she got it. There are some books on death for children

I find this really effective, Twiglett has another one which is equally brilliant.

Waterbugs and Dragonflies

Down below the surface of a quiet pond lived a little colony of water bugs. They were a happy colony, living far away from the sun. For many months they were very busy, scurrying over the soft mud on the bottom of the pond. They did notice that every once in a while one of their colony seemed to lose interest in going about with its friends. Clinging to the stem of a lily, it gradually moved out of sight and was seen no more.

'Look!' said one of the water bugs to another, 'One of our colony is climbing up the lily stalk. Where do you suppose she is going?' Up, up, up it went slowly. Even as they watched, the water bug disappeared from sight. Its friends waited and waited but it didn't return. 'That's funny!' said one water bug to another. 'Wasn't she happy here?' asked a second water bug. 'Were do you suppose she went?' wondered a third. No one had an answer. They were greatly puzzled.

Finally one of the water bugs, the leader of the colony, gathered its friends together. 'I have an idea. The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk must promise to come back and tell us where she went and why.' 'We promise', they said solemnly.

One spring day, not long after, the very water bug who had suggested the plan found himself climbing up the lily stalk. Up, up, up he went. Before he knew what was happening, he had broken through the surface of the water, and had fallen onto the broad, green lily pad above.

When he awoke, he looked about with surprise. He couldn't believe what he saw. A startling change had come to his old body. His movement revealed four silver wings and a long tail. Even as he struggled, he felt an impulse to move his wings. The warmth of the sun soon dried the moisture from the new body. He moved his wings again and suddenly found himself up above the water. He had become a dragonfly.

Swooping and dipping in great curves, he flew through the air. He felt exhilarated in the new atmosphere. By and by, the new dragonfly lighted happily on a lily pad to rest. Then it was that he chanced to look below to the bottom of the pond. Why, he was right above his old friends, the water bugs!. There they were, scurrying about, just as he had been doing some time before. Then the dragonfly remembered his promise: 'The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk will come back and tell where he or she went and why'.

Without thinking, the dragonfly darted down. Suddenly he hit the surface of the water and bounced away. Now that he was a dragonfly he could no longer go into the water. 'I can't return!' he said in dismay. 'At least I tried, but I can't keep my promise. Even if I could go back, not one of the water bugs would know me in my new body. I guess I'll just have to wait until they become dragonflies too. Then they'll understand what happened to me, and where I went'.

And the dragonfly winged off happily into its wonderful new world of sun and air.

Sorry you're going through this

This is the way I approached it (excuse the copy and paste)

By Twiglett on Fri 21-Jul-06 20:48:17
I put a hand in a glove (well in a sock cos I couldn't find a glove)

I said to DS .. "this is you .. the glove is your body" (wiggling fingers all around), "but the hand is the bit that is really you and some people call that your soul or your spirit" (keep on wiggling)

"when you die your spirit goes on" (gently take hand out of glove and make it keep wiggling and swooping around .. tickling him works too as you gently lay the glove down on the ground)

keeping his attention on the hand swooping I said "when you die you don't need your body any more so your spirit leaves it behind" .. spirit hand keeps swooping and talk descends into tickling

Thanks for the ideas. I suppose that it's something that everyone has to tackle at some point with children but it looks like it'll be sooner than I hoped.

Anyway, today DS just happened to be looking at a family photo and was telling me who everyone was. My late Gran was in the picture, she died a couple of years before DS was born. He asked who she was and I told him it was his Big Grandma (we use big rather than great for him lol) and that she used to live with his Big Grandad. I decided to explain a little further and told him that she became very old so had to go and live in a different place. We couldn't see her, but she could see us and we all think about each other a lot. I said that we all missed seeing her and sometimes that made us a little bit sad. But we're all really happy that she lives in a really nice place.

He was perfectly satisfied with the conversation. And is now convinced she lives in a playpark

Good for you. I would advise that you maybe move it on in stages, you know what your child can cope and how you want him to approach the subject

however I would profer some gentle advice in that talking of dead people as having 'gone to live somewhere else' can be problematic should somebody closer to the child die. It could feel like a lie because if they're living somewhere else why aren't they coming back?

I'd just advise that you took care over your terminology and try to ensure there is some kind of 'end of this' part