Strange Moments since Losing Second Parent

[ChicLilacSeal]

Hi, I lost my second parent a few months ago, after a long illness. My first parent died a few years ago, also after a long illness.

With both, I've found that things got harder at the 4-month mark. Does anyone else find that?

I'm relatively young to have lost both parents, as most of my friends still have both. A few have lost one parent.

I keep having strange moments where I feel deeply the loss of my parents, my parental home, and the world my parents and I had together. I don't really have anyone else. My husband left me and I do have a sibling, but they are very busy with their own family and wanted it to be just them over the holidays. It was fine, because I just wanted to be by myself and heal, but I am missing an entire life and culture and home with my parents. I wish so much I could go back to the house and have a meal with them.

I'm also having intrusive thoughts sometimes about my dad's illness, which was a nightmare. He suffered very badly, and I keep remembering some really creepy stuff he said when death was near, and the times when he was so, so ill and distressed. Really bad memories. He had quite a long active-dying phase.

Everyone else has a real life, with a spouse they've been with for years and with whom they travel and everything. My husband was abusive and let me down. I looked after my second parent - there was no one else, and I was happy to do it - but he was a difficult patient sometimes. I've now been left with nothing - no spouse, no kids, no parents, and a sibling who doesn't want me. We do get on, but she's mostly interested in her own family and life.

I've tried so hard to carve a life out for myself; I moved to the States many years ago for my marriage; I changed career; I've made friends here...but now, at this juncture, I just don't have much of a life. Considering all the big changes I made to try to have a great life, I seem to have ended up with not much.

I never really wanted children, but on the other hand, I was never on a position to have them because my husband had such dire MH issues.

So now I'm alone. It's peaceful, and mostly I'm OK, but I'm really starting to have some bad moments.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Bless you. You sound lovely. I'm sorry you're having such a tough time, but really it's no wonder. All the best.

You sound like a lovely person and you've expressed yourself so well here which makes me think you are a great communicator and an emotionally sensitive person. These qualities stand you in great stead for future enjoyment of life. I think you are feeling this way, understandably, right now but this won't be forever. You have life to live yet and love to give and receive. When you feel stronger and maybe in spring, if you put yourself out there a bit with groups, classes, political interests or hobbies I bet you will meet some new friends and start some new chapters of your life. Do you have any pets? If not adopting a cat or dog could bring some comfort and actual joy round the house too.
You have everything to play for. Take care.

I've lost both parents, both in 2022, six months apart, and I agree the 4 month mark was tricky for me too.

I also had intrusive thoughts after, and was later diagnosed with CPTSD. I have spent the past couple of years rebuilding a new life for myself. I'm lucky I have a decent DH and DS, but had put everything before my own happiness for too long. I found exercise to be a great healer, as well as promoting new friendships.

Don't rush the process, seek counselling if you feel it will help, I spent 10weeks saying all the stuff I didn't want to hold in anymore and felt like a weight has been lifted after.

I am starting to feel like my old self most days now, so hang on in there.