sensitive situation, bereaved neighbour, your thoughts

[DoloresODonovan]

My lovely soft compassionate Mum has asked me to speak to her neighbour but I don’t feel its my place, I met him only once a few years ago.
His wife has died, suddenly, October, while Mum was away and has
not seen him to speak to since.

She told me she hears the most awful noises, a cross between a groan
and a bellow, she wasn’t exaggerating when describing this, the only noise from
next door she can hear, now I can hear it too, earlier it sounded like a roar, through the adjoining wall of the sitting rooms, over the music we were playing.
But its upsetting Mum and I can see (hear) why, its alarming, she wonders about his wellbeing, mental health.
His daugnter visits Sundays, perhaps Mum could speak to her. Neighbour is animated when daughter visits then howling when she has left.
I will not hear this as I too will be on my way home.
I understand why Mum may feel awkward about speaking to her neighbour directly
but feel she should. Poor man,

I asked Mum was this a grief sound, well of course it is.
She said, before the wife died she only ever heard them laughing, talking
and singing.
Mum was only ever on Hello terms with them, not close.

I would definitely suggest she looks out for the daughter and has a word. Poor man.

Just a thought but does your mum live in a small town with one doctor's surgery? I know they obviously can't discuss the neighbour with her, but there's nothing stopping her mentioning the situation to them, saying she's very worried about his mental health (more difficult in a town with more than one surgery as she won't know where he's a patient)

@endsnewyearsday Yes she does and we thought of this - Mum said she would write a letter and take it into the surgery after work - then, she said, she will feel as though she has made an effort on his behalf. Its heartbreaking really, poor man,
he sounds totally bereft.
Also speak to the daughter, asking how he is. Thank you for your kind reply.

My GP had, until recently, a policy of ringing every one who had had a spouse die, just as a kind of checking in thing after a couple of months. But they're too stretched now to do it

A good idea, there should be some sort of pastoral care attached to gp surgeries. I thougnt of Cruse or similar, Mum is going to suggest it to the daughter who she has never even met only seen parking her car.

We lost DH's step mum last year (2024) and were at the house when the GP called FIL the 1st time. FIL took the call, but couldn't speak after a few minutes before breaking down- so we spoke to the GP. I think his GP has called several times since, but not sure how often. This does seem to be a thing though- maybe different in different areas/practices though.

I would approach the daughter and ask if the father is having an emotional support, counselling etc and if not- he clearly needs some. Poor man. It must be awful and scary for your mum too.

I mean this kindly as a widow, living alone but, can your Mum not just knock on her neighbour's door, and say hello and how sorry she was to hear about his wife.

They don't have to be bosom buddies.

My neighbours, most of whom I only ever had polite, passing words with, were all very kind when my husband died.

All said "if there's anything I can do........"

Some sent a card - 1 brought a bunch of flowers.

I have no children and no family living locally.

It was/is very reassuring to know there are folk round about who acknowledge my situation and would, I feel, be of assistance in an emergency.

No wonder the poor man is howling at the moon.

This is such a sad story. Gosh I feel so bad for the man who sounds like he is living a nightmare. Makes me think of my lovely Dad who has been living without his wife my lovely Mum for many years now. Your poor Mum too must be awful for her to hear and not really be able to help as she would want to.

I would definitely speak to the daughter, ask how he is doing etc. and see how she responds.

My dad died suddenly in difficult circumstances. I was overwhelmed with grief. I couldn’t talk to people but I really appreciated getting cards, or flowers left on the doorstep.
GPS can barely cope as it is, I don’t think it would be helpful writing to the GP. Better to do something practical yourself/your mum.

Why won't your mum speak to the poor man? My neighbour was widowed before he moved next door (so I never knew his wife), and I heard him making those awful noises in the early hours. I went round in my dressing gown - it was 2am and my husband and I had to get up for work at 7. He was very apologetic, embarrassed and lonely. He ended up coming to ours for dinner once a fortnight, and we swapped numbers so that he could ring or text when he needed a chat.

There may be Bereavement Cafes in the area that you could perhaps signpost.

Could you and Mum take him out for tea and cake (and chance for him to chat).

In the same situation I would have appreciated someone silently and discreetly just taking out my wheelie bins and bringing in, practical things were so difficult.

(I remember well just uncontrolled wailing into the roof space in a similar manner)

If he has a former military connection there would be help organisations there too.

As someone whose wife died 4 years ago, I really appreciated neighbours who gave me their condolences. But everyone grieves in their own way; there isn't one rule for all. If it was me, next time I saw him out I would just stop and say how sorry I was to hear his news and see if a conversation develops

@Wingedharpy - Mum put a card and note through his doorof course she did, her neighbour had family or friends staying at the time, a couple of months ago now and she has not heard from him since, only the despairing.
These houses are configured so that Mums front door is not next to her neighbours,
nowhere near actually, so she doesn’t see him or anyone coming or going, sees the daughter parking. They are joined at the sitting room, one house faces one way, one the other, a sort of sprawling T shape.
Mum is fast asleep whilst Im on here now discussing her sad neighbour, who is
quiet now, worn himself out poor man.

We have decided, Mum will speak to the daughter tomorrow, we thought it kinder
and more tactful.

Thank you all for your thoughtful and considered replies here.

Well done for trying to do something to help this poor man. I think the letter to the GP surgery is a good idea, GP could always say he/she is just checking in on him and wondering how he is managing. Hopefully he will be honest with them. So sad. It’s good that good people like your mum exist.

This.
Taking over the odd meal on a plate is very welcomed too, and an excuse to knock.
My Dad received many lovely visits due to people dropping off a meal or cake. He took at least a year to be chatty and seem like himself.
Your mother might also like to ask if he'd like to drop in for a cup of tea when he's going past some time. My Dad liked to talk about my Mum and her attributes to everyone.

To hear the cries of a man who feels so alone is gut wrenching.

Grief can make you feel as if you are going crazy it's so intense and huge. When my partner died I struggled to find anywhere big or far away from people enough to let it out. I started sea swimming cos in the sea I could let it out and scream and roar and sob out of ear shot. It's horrendous. Poor man.

When I lost my boyfriend I was like this at night when I was on my own. It's grief pure and simple. He needs to express his pain. Of course offer support but it will take time and the noises may go on for a while.